following my heart.

just had a long msn convo with mich. she shared with me two anecdotes that were vastly different in terms of origin and time yet amazing similar in meaning. glad and thankful that she has shed some warmth on my soul that turns jaded and numbed during such emotionally trying times.

Michael Jackson - Heal The World

will let this video do the talking.
will let my heart do the guiding.

every farewell, a new beginning.

I've just returned from the Footprinters' farewell dinner at Darren's house. It was a simple affair, no fuss and nothing really "emotionally heavy" took place. But as I recall my entire day, it seems that as if the divine beings (up above) has something to tell me.

So perhaps I should rewind the narration to the start of my day's programme when I brought my grandma to visit my grandpa. For the uninitiated, my grandpa's been residing in a home in Pasir Ris because of his slight dementia and inability to control his bowels. My grandma on the other hand, decides to move out to live alone at Toa Payoh. And her justifications - she isn't contributing in the household and is afraid that she'll be the cause of intra family tension. And it seems that I'll never be able to accept her "ramifications" as rightful justifications... maybe until I live until as old as her. If i do.

Anyway, bringing my grandma from Toa Payoh to Pasir Ris even by cab, is by no means a simple affair. I've to buy my grandpa's favourite hainanese chicken rice (duhh... it originated from us people) and a can of sarsi - now you know not only young kiddos have that occasional cravings. Then my sister and I have to cautiously help her to the main road and into a cab, while watching she does not hit her head while entering the cab. When we finally arrive at the home, we will be in the guest room awaiting the missy to push our grandpa in on a wheelchair. Watching him savour the mouthfuls of his favourite cuisine while seeing my grandma hold his wrinkled and weathered hands with her conspicuous teary eyes, it's more often than not heart wrenching. But staging this reunion (albeit short lived) is more than worth the effort.

Imagine a couple married for close to 70 years with 5 children and 8 grandchildren. Imagine the hardships they have went through when they lugged their baggage and were chucked in a dinghy from China to Singapore, like those in 雾锁南洋. Imagine the times of draconian oppression during occupation, like in 和平的代价. Okay.. that's enough, i think it's drama overkill now.

And then I walked around the home, looking at the elderly folks all around. They were mostly watching the television, fiddling with toy blocks or just gazing endlessly and aimlessly. And my heart really goes out to them because sometimes when old age diseases strike, what choice do they have but to age idly (gracefully). It's as if when we age, our bodily functions deteriorate and our energy level dwindles; we can do nothing but to just wait for the life invigilator to utter, "Time's Up". If that's aging for me, I'd rather opt to hand in my scripts when I'm well and happy with what I've done in the examination of life.

Just some time back, I was watching a youtube video of this older friend of mine speaking to his group of volunteers before they went to Philippines for ocip, a prep talk kind. And what he said left a deep inkling in my mind since then.

"Let time be your witness. Do you want time to wash away your history or let history attest for your time?"

Life's too short for us to just while it away. Likewise, we've got to make hay while the shines bright and warm. In about a week to go, my good ol' primary school buddy will fly all the way Down Under to further his studies. And I'm sure he will do himself, his family and friends, proud over there. This farewell for him will represent a new beginning - an exciting chapter in his life where he'll blaze new trails ahead. Myself, I'll be flying to India for my virgin youth conference cum exchange. What lies ahead I have little idea. But I guess that's immaterial compared to what lies inside myself - my ideals and ambitions although tinged with unbridled rashness at times (as described in my previous entry).

Most importantly, I have made a pact with history so that when the inevitable "Time's Up" is uttered, my alibi will be there by my side, testifying in my favour.

Have you?



Beyond - 海阔天空

reddish brown... white.

I shouldn't be blogging right now in the office after a hearty lunch, but what the heck. I need to pump some blood to my brain lest i get drowsy with the downflow of blood to digest all the (sinful) food.

And you maybe thinking, what the hell is the title about. I have little inkling as to that, maybe my creative juices are not that plentiful as before. But as you can see, this is the first time I'm actually putting some effort into punctuation. Not that I'm feeling abnormal but rather, I'm feeling kind of perky today. Read on and you'll know why.

Anyway, I was walking towards Hong Lim Complex having heard of the famous Char Kway Teow which people will die to satisfy their palates with. And as I was crossing the road, I saw an old man whose back was facing me. The first thing that caught my eyes was that his long black pants was below the waist and exposing his underpants (or those traditional type of boxers old people wear). To make things worse, the second thing I saw was his hands were as if held together at his crotch from the back and jerking (damn, no pun intended). I was like thinking "What the hell?!?" And so I tried to pull off an ingenious subterfuge to know what this elderly man was actually doing along the road outside Hong Lim Park. I took a 180 degree turn to pretend to "beo" at the young lady who was just some distance down the road, behind him.

I saw his hands this time... not at his crotch as I thought, but rather his trembling hands were struggling to fasten his belt and pants that were falling. I walked a few more steps, hesistated for a while, then I walked back to ask if he needed help. Not that I'm medically informed, but I guess it should have been Parkinsons or some old age related ailments that were causing the deterioration of his movements. In any case, I pulled up his pants on both side so he could fasten his belt. Subsequently, I hailed a taxi for him and helped him in. And throughout the whole process, he was drooling uncontrollably. So much so that the taxi driver was kinda pissed. And so much so that I could feel the vulnerability and helplessness emanating from his aged and frail physique. Then I left for Hong Lim Complex for the raved rice noodle, feeling a tad heartened with my act.

And during lunch, I somehow ended up in small talk with the sugar cane aunty who was telling me about her difficulties in running a stall at Hong Lim Complex despite her sugarcane drink being famed as the most "xiang" and "tian". And then as I was polishing off the remaining bits of noodle on the plate, we ending our conversation with her advising me to be a filial son and that no one can be closer to you than your own mother. Wise words of wisdom indeed.

Also, I realised that Hong Lim/Chinatown area is actually a landscape typified by the aged. For example, I saw old uncles and aunties cycling precariously with stacks of cardboard to a central collection point for some dough. Then with every few steps I take, I see people with natural white hair. And it dawned upon me that white is a sign of fraility, acquiescence and a kind of poignance that draws me towards it so insidiously.

Then what does reddish brown signify? Compassion, idealism and ambition but with unbridled brashness at times?

You tell me then.

i'd never let you go, would i?

a special friendship.

when you're going to start a new internship term for the very first time in your life in 5 hours time and yet you realised you have just spent the past few hours drinking and clubbing, you will kinda be hesitant as to whether you should actually go to sleep now lest the 'snooze' function on your phone becomes your next best friend. but that's surely not the special friendship i'm talking about.

a self-confessed mild conservative (but no where near a prude), i was and never am a party animal. but i'm pretty open to drinking and partying as a form of winding out, though sometimes i seek it as a form of liberation. anyway, that's besides the whole point.

at this point of time, i really feel very glad to have my first best female platonic friend - qh. and i think our friendship has really transcended beyond that of normal friends, be it of the same or different gender. so much so that we have grown to take care and be there for one another when the need arises. she has become my image consultant, which requires not much deliberation since it was never top on my agenda list. while i've become her listening ear and nanny, to keep her in check especially when she drinks. little would i have imagine our friendship will have developed to such a stage whereby we can be reiminiscent of our past, conscious of the present and hopeful of the future. and that she would dig out my unglam track record by telling others i tried to ask her out to donate blood for a first date (quit laughing).

and this would be the kind of friendship i believe will stand the test of time and distance, especially so as she'll be travelling to the states for studies. as much as i would like to have this special friend with me in sillypore, i believe the world is really our oyster and that we should seize the opportunity when it comes or so i thought - carpe diem.

to my special friend: hope we both can learn to be more aware and accquainted with our true selves and that we can find fulfilment and happiness in whatever we undertake. indeed, our friendship will last beyond mere ocips and for the many years to come! treasure the few months ahead to catch up before we won't be seeing each other for quite some time ha.

take care and avoid feeling spaced out, every so often.

parenting - a process to nurture or a slippery slope.

having touched down at 10pm on new year's eve, i wouldn't really expect myself to be blogging now and about such a weighty, i mean burdensome, issue. (i've learnt my lessons on puns after realising that there are ppl like moonkey that will take note of the finer nuances even if they come unintended)

well, this issue came to me in fact after sitting in a discussion of my cousins with my family. apparently, my cousins somehow are all residing in rather "incomplete" and "unwholesome" families, so to speak. and that apparently, we've became worried as to how and what kind of individuals they'll grow up into. that is not to say my family is an ideal and conducive one. in true fact, i do have much gripes about how i was brought up. but maybe, i like to look for solutions more than solely (thanks anonymous for your finesse in spotting my typos =p) deliberating on the cause and effect cycle in itself.

and as the debate progressed, i was interestingly changing my sides between my parents and siblings. my parents being conservative and bred by the old school kind of parenting, like to impose their old lifestyle and habits on us. on the other hand, my siblings are fond of making comparisons with their peers and fixing the apparent flaws of my family from the standards of their peers yet again. for me, i realised long ago if it's broken, fix it. but if it's broken beyond repair, it's timely to shop for a new one. seriously, what's the whole point of brooding over the past when the wisest thing to do is to pave a future that is laid with the foundation from the mistakes made in the past. and hence with my belief, it was interesting to see how the debate becomes heated and the dichotomy between the two camps.

notwithstanding, i think parenting is really a journey of life in itself. one which you start to mould and nurture a new life, one that is prone to making wrong turns at the crossroads, one that may be potentially rewarding or regretful. just looking at the news itself - the divorce rates, latchkey children, youth at risks, unwed mums and what not. and it seems to me not everyone is aware of the heavy responsibility one will undertake in bringing a new life to this world. not that i've fully grasped. but as i grow to be more aware, i've also grown to be more apprehensive of life 10, 20, 30 years down the road especially when i will take on more functions in life. will i falter in my functions or take heart that i've laid the tiny stepping stones that lead in the right direction.

or maybe, i'm thinking far too far ahead.
oyasuminasai.

a fresh awakening

here i am... 0830h sydney time, 0430h singapore time. back from a morning run around my aunt's neighbourhood. i guess it's the first time i WILLINGLY woke up so early for weeks, not taking into account days for my Cambodia expedition where reveille timing of 0700 were the norm. these few days that i've spent at australia were really carefree... and cash free too (nothing beats holidays that are hosted by your relatives =))

for the large part of my time in Australia (sounds kinda long but it's only been a week ha) so far, the pace of life has really gone a notch down, vis-a-vis that of mine in Singapore. and it's summer and daylight saving here so i can indulge in literally, "daydreaming" or euphemistically speaking, "pondering over weighty life issues" or yet in a very common lingo for my Cambodia expedition - "emo-ing"=p


and when you talk about the state of "emo-ing", somehow this time for my trip in Australia, it took an interesting turn for me. previously in Cambodia I was the "emo-er", now over at Australia, one of my cousin took over the title and somehow i've become like Darren (oops, luckily he won't read this) - sort of flamboyant, boisterous and pesky =p. and it's interesting to really look at this "mirror" (although i wasn't really emo to that kinda extent) and realise how distant and withdrawn i was at times. not that it was by circumstances but rather, it was by choice that i chose to have more "me-time" and then what came to my mind was what a guy from Samaritan's Purse, David Fisher said about having multiple functions in life i.e. he was a consultant to help the needy at Cambodia, father in the UK and etc. you get the drift. so i thought i should learn to be more flexible at times and not be restricted to my narrow mental confines.

continuing from where i left off from... i'm back from sydney opera house and shopping at paddy's market. now enjoying a bottle of carlton cold beer and surfing the net. life's great when you're not lugging any baggage of any sort...

shouldn't it always be so?

khymer rouge transiting at sillypore, then to down under.

i deliberately used such a long title so as to avoid the hassle of blogging multiple times. looking back on the past few weeks, especially after ORD, my life has been real hectic. like clearing and delegating everything under my portfolio for creative home then zipping to REACH for cambodia trip and catching up with friends and all... and now, i'm back at home - feeling really liberated and light (pun unintended because i definitely gained much pounds from the trip!).

and unlike my blog entry for the previous philippines trip, this entry of mine shall describe more of my self discovery and revelations rather than depicting the day to day experiences. in a nutshell, i much enjoyed this expedition. team dyanmics was much better because there was more bonding and greater diversity with less "cliquishness" and of course, there were my two buds - jc and darren on the trip. we made hell lotsa noise during the expedition and cracking our own insider jokes like "gei jia tang"

on the downside, i was supposedly one of the few that were expected to rise up and lead the team. but, i was kinda subdued and cooped up in my own mental dimension most of the times. so much so that during the appreciation night, i earned the title of Mr. Senti-Emo. act i was like telling joanne and jc... my habitual tendency to dramatise my emotions and then sink in a melancholic and melodramatic emotional rut. it's like my second nature! ironically, for people that have worked with me on an adhoc basis like Creative Home, they don't see the "emo" side of me rather the professional and deliberately blur side of me. and then i rationalise, justifiy and gather that i am the person that needs lots of "me time" the lack thereof - i'll just "drift" away. but i'm glad i got to see and know myself better. i need to and will change for i won't be contented with taking the back seat for the rest of my life, especially after 20 years of doing so. it's high time i take the reins and grasp the steering wheel, it's now or never.

fortunately on the upside yet again, i've really got to improve my relationships with several people. one of which is qianhua. we've came a long way back since philippines last year. from me harbouring a crush on her to revelation night at mt belumut and then to our catching up for the recent camodian expedition. and we concurred, the fact that nothing can work out between both of us in a platonic setting all the more will make us treasure this friendship of ours. though initially it was annoying when people were talking behind our backs but then we started to laugh it away at their attempts to complicate matters that were crystal clear and simple!

also, i will really reminisce the times we (darren, jc, me and lil ben), the project heads, had our late night meetings with aunty joanne at lucky star hotel. during those nights when we crack lame cold jokes to make fun of each other and the daidee sessions... the nights never were lonely with them ha. not forgetting mich, corinna, staff joe and doctor joe... they were the few that i could really connect to and confide in. the conversations that we shared, the advice that they dispensed with and the common experiences we all went through together. i believe they'll come surging back to me in time to come.

i've really learnt and enjoyed myself at Cambodia. let me catch up on some work (japanese test tmr, applications for youth grps and other commitments) on my transit at Singapore, en route to Down Under. then i'll return - rejuvenated with fresh perspectives, settled and upbeat emotions and a greater than ever thirst for success for my many ambitious pursuits in 2008.

c'est la vie - carpe diem!

bye bye MSC, bye bye bravo flt, bye bye 163, bye bye NS.

ytd was the last day for me to be donned in all green. as it always is, time passes by so fast that you dont even realise that you have been through it already. ytd held many significant "last times" for me. though i know before long, i'll be stepping back again into lim chu kang camp 2 for reservice. but till then, i'm very much a civilian. no more of doing ridiculous things at unearthly timing e.g. no-duff activations, playing push up dai dee and watching old mediacorp dramas. aww...

i wonder if it's human nature to always detest being in the process and to so look forward to culmination. then on culmination, you realise things weren't that bad afterall in looking back. in fact, you begin to reminisce about those "awful" times you've spent together and wish you have a chance to replay the entire the process (maybe snipping off those truly nasty times). and then i realise, isn't it so much so for life, in general? hahaa... random musings, while i take a break from work at scape.

anw back to our ord celebration dinner at MSC yesterday. it was real heartwarming to see those the familiar faces once again. some you wished you had took the hpi cranking handle and then wield it towards their head - okay, im kidding. don't really have one i hate to that extent. others you know crap talk follows promptly on meeting. e.g. cpt chua.

and as msn nick speaks - it's an emotional imperative to appreciate and be appreciated. isn't that how life should be and the premise by which, it should operate with? we had good food and sharing during dinner. then shortly after, encik jaswant asked us to share the experiences we had in bravo flt, dispense advices and then comment on the management. i only touched on the first two and none of the last, perhaps i'm resigned to the way things are operated in bravo. talked about "choosing the right partners during guard duty" (- gwee, really want to see your reaction to this, but you were overseas), "being gam with the others in bravo flt" and "treasuring the friendships forged during our short stint"

now that i have ended my NS stint, what holds for me in the near future. the completion of creative home?

end it... not. :(

staying out days

these few days have been real madness. even like now, i'm blogging at REACH FSC. i feel so detached (ha, how apt from my blogger nick) from my family lah. but i think after this period, i'll be completely liberated from creative home, albeit only for the time when i will be off to Cambodia and Down Under.

creative home has been a real growing experience for me... working with nice people like uncle kiong and chin who really go all out to support us in our project makes me realise that at times when i become unnecessarily edgy, it's just not worth the effort. and of course, you get to work with no so nice people. and then you learn how to take things in stride. yesterday's midnight at scape was hilarious. kumaran and i were like laughing at each other while the other 4 were discussing matters. it all happened because there's a guy called "bang" from homeclub and they were like using it interchangeably with my name. and then, it sounded freaking obscene.

to be frank, i'm kinda like numbed to the fatigue already. sleeping for 3 hours for the past two days, freezing in the red bus yesterday and then tonight i won't be able to sleep for much (like again). hopefully, the creative people dont get me to stay over for monday night too.

today's jlpt was really wonky too, like i told my friends. section 1 (vocab) - half of the questions were okay, another half was russian roulette. section 2 (listening) - i dozed off. section 3 (grammar) - apparently, the section i felt most confident of. i'm mentally prepared for the worst, but if can scrap through a pass, it's a bonus after all.

and in fact during the jlpt, i was like smiling at myself. maybe because at my helplessness and partly at my attempt to script an interesting msn nick that somehow was reflective of my emotions for these few days. haa, i know i have grown out of that phase, yah but sometimes you just have the urge to drown yourself in a melancholic mood.

cause it takes more than being straight for me to straighten out my thoughts.

a thankful evening.

i'm so heartened at the way things have turned out this evening.

1) to jonathan especially for helping out with the attendance. my, i can't thank you more man. without you, i guess the whole attendance taking will be a disaster. thanks for your photographic memory in recognising the guests e.g. those from paragon. thanks for working throughout without dinner. thanks for holding the fort when i was absent.

2) to all bravo dudes that came and my ajc fac buddies. i'm so sorry if i'm a poor host but as much as i wished i could split myself, i couldn't. thanks for coming anyhow. despite promising you hot chicks and great booze - of which, neither materialised, i hope you enjoyed the performances that we've planned for the evening. sorry for the bland coke, haha next time open my own club, i'll ensure QC okay.

and maybe i'll do a run-through of my schedule too, as per usual. went with smu earlier in the day for a NS men jamboree. i think the whole jamboree is a farce man at least before the breakout session for our school talks. like girls wearing mini skirts, female dancers gyrating and what not. i do understand it's a sausage party but yah, we can do with less of the visual "distractions" or maybe as i've said, i'm like desensitised to such sights already.

at the smu talk, i had the great opportunity to talk with a 4th year smu student who was previously from 163sqn as an officer. talked with him about the challenges of even qualifying for an investment banking intern and then subsequently doing more than what was expected of an intern. frankly, he really demystify the preconceptions i had about investment banking and all. the imminent fate of landing at most in middle office, m&a, p&l, trading and derivates and all. i'd really like to be in thick of the moment. and it was wonderful that he got me started to think how i should pave my way ahead.

then at the pre launch, it was plain hectic. luckily, i stole time to ta bao some dinner with the "淑女". and not forgetting the suggestive eye signals aunt shanz was making at me when i met the gang along the way. it was nonetheless interesting talking with "淑女" about her change and all, since jc times. which leads me to wonder - why didnt i realise i needed to step out of my shell and change, like so much earlier? then i also caught up with jingwen (from sph) for like 20mins or so. imo, she's one of the nicest sponsors i've met. we chatted from zouk to journalism slants to the nuances in whole chain of pr/mar comm/a & p to even concluding that we have a common penchant for watching movies alone. she even kindly offered to help me if i had difficulties for my pr intern next year.

all in all, the creative home journey in itself has been taxing but nonetheless - rewarding (tangibly, intangibly, psychologically and emotionally). =)

late night *burp* supper

oh my. it's been a long time since i committed such an evil and sinful act - supper at prata house near my house. and if you're expecting a sequel to my previous entry. I'm very sorry, nope. No harry potter theme song and no guest appearances and definitely no freak encounters with god forbid * volder_ _ *

i met coco tan, my good old buddy for prata at arnd 10.30. we ate some oily loads of prata (actually only 2 x gosong) and downed them with teh tarik. we then walked to the playground and just sat on the swing and talked. it's really gratifying to catch up with your friends after such a long period of absence. yup, absence makes the heart grow fonder and perhaps emptier. ha. and so the topic started with him being in Sunshine Empire (SE). as much as the natural skepticism was acting up in me, i listened to him intentfully as he rationalise his presence in SE. all in all, in a capacity of a friend, i'll still reserve my trust in him as a trusted friend and a mature adult - i'll be truly glad for him if he does make it big and money roll in (maybe some to my pocket) and also lend him my help if things do go awry.

and then with the stars and moon smiling at us, we deviated to our future plans in life. then as we were speaking about our grandiose plans and all; the feeling that we have grown and mature so much, was just so liberating and all the more, poignant. it was as if yesterday that we were at the same old playground vexing about mundane misunderstandings, complex boy girl relationships (though they still pretty much are to me) and pretty much holding a astigmatic view of matters in life. yes yes, you may break out in a cynical laughter and in a condescending manner, say "ow wow... our benjamin here is starting to be flighty and disillusioned already"

my reply to you (barring copyrights from ac),
- the best is yet to be.

=)

How are YAH

i'm feeling kinda drowsy as i'm typing right now. must be the local anasthesia the missy administered on me, prior to donating blood hahahah.

anyway, i started the day with an interview with two pretty nice staff from the HPB because i wanted to join the YAH (youth advolution for health) exco. the session went on pretty fine and it lasted about an hour. will hear from them soon, i think. just hope that what i'm seeking will concur with what they need and will provide. but the entire exco team is like all from smu lah huh -.-

then shortly after the interview, i decided to donate blood at the bloodbank since i was alr in the area. went in there - all good. registration and screening was prompt, got attended to by missy in a jiffy and talked to her about my internship and apparently... her daughter -.-. dont how how she link also. then *plays harry potter background theme song* came lord volderMO. haaaha, what a place to meet him. previously, i met him at SAFRA yishun while signing up for a course. now at bloodbank.

where's next? Prata House?

lingering behind my wonderwall.

as i am typing this entry, i'm like half intoxicated and half wasted - eyes heavy, disoriented and somewhat conked out. what started out initially as a innocuous dinner for 8 163 SQN BRAVO personnels end up to be a chillout session at PATIO with rum coke, vodka red bull and vodka orange. like i've said, it's the "time of the month" for me when i just wallow in my emo state of mind. the blues are allllll i see mann.

LOL.

pardON MY CAPS, I CAN'T realLY SEe thE cAPS CLEARYL righT Now. anyway, it was great just chilling out with live music. maybe it's there to fill the void that's there eh. and so the BRAVO dudes went up to sing WONDERWALL and thaT YOU'RE GONNA BE THE ONE THAT SAVES ME.

AND DO YOU HAVE TO, do you HAVE TO, do yOU hAVE TO LET IT LiNGeR . . .

when 04th nov is a special day for more than one.

today was a long and hectic day for me. but to sum it in one sentence: it was worth all the while. and it so started with our ch meeting on friday, as blogged about days ago. and so i thought i did something special to make someone's day. especially since the last time i did such a thing was like in jc2? yes, yes, suggestive or not. i reserve my comments (pardon my somewhat limited lexicon) . like what i told my friend, i'm a poor manager of my emtions and actions. sometimes to the extent of acting irrationally and rashly. but i think i did something positive this time.

anyway this was what i did. ytd night, i wrote some simple greetings on a card and placed an envelope in the card. then this morning i went to my friend's house and left it in her mailbox personally. and then i wrote a mysterious weblink for her, of which i created the night before. all in all, i'm glad she was overjoyed though it was after all a contrived attempt at a vicarious experience.

later on in the day, i was at the julia gabriel's festival at orchard forum to present my essay for a contest. glad that i earned some much sought after dough and vouchers. and my recent enthusiasm towards the toastmasters which was amplified by rj during the absd survey was somehow evidently much warranted for when i saw the many young children present their essays. they were like so natural public speakers and they somehow crave and enjoy the attention on stage. but i'll work towards that, i've grown from being apprehensive to speaking with minimal kinks now. let the final step be speaking to connect, educate and inspire.

also, there were several insignificant incidents that failed to be fodder for this entry. but i'll still mention them briefly with pictures...

both are just personal ego boosters or rather placeboes, for that matter. for the latter - right, i know it's a downright scam to cheat celeb-wanna-be of their hard earned money for some makeover package. but it's just plain gratifying to sometimes lie to yourself that you dont need "baby ass smooth skin or model hot bod" to be approached by some conmen.

and i'll end my entry soon if you already impatiently awaiting the end of this long tunnel.
jc asked me some intriguing and thought provoking questions.

1) why is it that people born on the same day can have so different character?
my answer: because we are different.

2) why has the batch of us (crewmen) drifted so far apart especially when we have ord or about to ord?
my answer: because we are just too different.

birthday @ creative home.

today's creative home meeting was kinda different. sheila had this new hairstyle that looked made her look like a japanese doll (nin gyo, iirc). oh, and we celebrated her birthday since it was around the corner. then she carried a sesame street oscar doll and took a photo. like a doll holding a doll -.-

anyway... as far as i remember, birthday celebrations wasn't really much of a culture in boys' school (or maybe for my circle of friends lah). my days of schooling in 10 year's of boys school was brash, lackadaiscal and plain... brainless. like smearing chilli sauce on your shoe soles and leaving your victorious imprint on someone else's uniform. messing up someone's nicely gelled up "kali pok" hairstyle into mee goreng. tactically and strategically "bio-ing" at "bio-able" female teachers. ha, some of these acts have followed me on in the later parts of my life while others have been relegated to days of yore. as to which is what, i leave it to your imagination. right, now someone is acting coy.

and back to sheila's birthday celebration. me, her and crispin were like waiting for a cab opp. funan. then we were poking fun at cris in his "pursuit of happyness" (an internal joke) then somehow the topic fell on me and i was asked by sheila whether i have found the right one. maybe, she should ask whether 晴晴 has found the right one instead. lol, i was stunned like for a moment. then while she said "the most ideal kinda lover is the kinda that you were qing mei chu ma with and will marry eventually"

and then i replied, "yup, i'm also looking for her"

bitten by the love bug (again), and *ouch*

pohly pocket poh sent me this mv even though my one hell of a jj-lin fan sister bought it from the crazy cornetto royale promotion. and yes, watching the video makes me want to fall in love (again) - again, not as in i have fallen in love and want to fall in love again but rather i have the desire to fall in love again. okay, balderdash. i still remembered vividly my classmate's msn nickname during our j2 valentine's day - " Love is in the air... But it sucks when you're not one of the pair"

how very apt. lol, nvm i believe my 晴晴 is out there waiting for me. stop seeking high and low, give me a call okay? i'll meet you straight away. no qualms.

sowing seeds.

i'm so glad i'm blogging on a monday morning because this means that i've survived yet another extremely hectic week. rushing from one locality to another like a headless chicken, not having enough time for meals and stealing some snooze on the bus whenever i can. but i must say, i'm feeling rather fufilled this time.

we had our facilitators' workshop yesterday at nyc, scape. initially planned for 25 facilitators, but only around 15 turned up. but well, if you ask me, the numbers are not indicative of anything at this stage yet. to be frank, they were quite "coagulated" in their cliques and all. however after we had a sharing with Mr. Martin Tan, everyone started to open up and the slab of ice turned into a melting pot.

if you havent already know, i like reading self-help books because contrary to common belief, self-help books arent just quick fixes to problems you face... they explain the workings behind human relationships and delves deeper into what is not readily apparent to many of us. and in my usual fashion, i'll share something that i've read. there can be two ways of deriving happiness - working towards attaining a goal and helping others derive their happiness. i.e. it's the pursuit of happiness and assisting people in their pursuit that can make you happy.

with my own readings and martin's questioning during his inspirational speech, i have suddenly found a direction ahead. ask me about it and i'll tell you :) and as it is, i'm extremely excited with the propsect of growth (not in the physical sense, dudes.) in our project. i've had a girl who joined our project because she said she wanted to be a more sociable person and that she want to walk out of her shell. and i was assuring her that there will be tremendously many opportunities for her to walk out of her comfort zone.

now, i've realised there's indeed nothing more empowering and fufilling than to witness self growth and helping others grow.

leftover shotgun shells.

of late, i made some rather rash and tactless decisions even though with no genuine malice intended, i was misconstrued... tension rose, relationships sour and i realise that i really need to recollect myself since i tend to become easily unsettled at times. someone told me the fact that we are already young adults and we need to understand that our actions have considerable consequences. how fearfully true. approaching quarter life crisis and i'm glad i was jolted out of my guileless playground, though in a way that brought about reprisals and much ill sentiment. what hefty tuition fees i paid to my tutor - Life.

that being said, i realised that it really takes more than compromise and accomodation for team dynamics to work out. of course being in a millitary context as conscripts, we all come in with different mindsets and live our short-lived stint with different objectives. hence, it's almost impossible to align our values and actions i.e. there are definitely more differences that exist between us than commonalities. all in all, maybe i've just grown more acquiescent and jaded. now, i just look forward to cambodia yep to find myself again and my aus vacation to pick myself up for my life ahead.

and from now till then, maybe i'll continue to look for my first love ha...