trapped in a washing machine.

i'm feeling highly emotional now. and it's times of this in the month when emo monster creeps up to me, gives me a tap on my shoulder and release the floodgate for a deluge of emotions - both good and bad feeling ones. so get ready to be drowned in my monthly (though sometimes being more frequent than usual) verbal diarrhoea now.

this two weeks has been a rather mundane period of time without any significant high or low points to speak about. except the fact that i shuttled between my house and A&e twice because of tear-jerking abdominal pains. the first visit i was thankfully accompanied with my elder sis at 5+ am in the morning while the second one, i went alone not wanting to wake anyone up at the same wee hours in the morning.

and as the usual introspective albeit reticent person i am, i always treasured personal space as one of my perennial innnermost needs. i'd rather plug in my mp3 and listen to emo songs like when you're gone - avril or on the side of me - corrine may and just observe and think than find someone to accompany me wherever i go just for the sake of companionship. but the bad thing is it doesnt help when i get easily affected, emotionally... by my observations.

in fact, i was having a long talk with my project friend in CH. after listening to his experiences and description of his relations with the others in the team made me realise how distant i've become with so many of my other friends. it made feel how surface i've become in terms of relationships, favouring width instead of breadth when it comes to the pursuits in life and feeling so... detached. and i begin to question myself - are my ambitious pursuits and desire to feel happy so mutually exclusive? must i really forsake one for the other? beats me.

people around me think well (or at least what they claim) of me because of my tight schedules and ceaseless commitments. but i cant help but put up a meek and forceful front when i know the mr.-networker in the making-social worker-aspiring entrepreneur to them is just an alter ego of myself. please tell me it's the real me when the subdued one comes to life in person when you see him yah.

and you will ask me why so angsty one my blog. why arh. i also dont know leh. sometimes i rather people dont read my blog because they'll think, 'aiyo, dont read already. his emo-ism is so contagious and it makes me feel sad also' and this could be the reason why i need to put on some celebrity look alike pictures to balance the overall mood out and not that i hanker after the minute of fame! ha, lame excuse. *punches myself*

and this entry is really disorganised. so i thank you if you do bother to read till this point because i really am not in the mental state for any order whatsoever. though in less than 5 hours time, i'll be travelling back to camp for the last guard duty of my life. =)

maybe till after that, i'll be in a more conscious state of mind to realign, reaffirm and react.

nitey,
my friends.

too bored.

when i've got nothing constructive enough to work on... (cool, i look like song dao cai cai zi on the 2nd one)