if you have asked.

ever since i entered the service, i realised that there's no better sanctuary than home. sure there's the saucy gossiping, pseudo-jitters about earning the holy bullet and cracking lewd jokes (or rather witnessing lewd antics in full play) every now and then in my "second home" aka lck camp 2, but nothing beats the goodness of being at home - the hot water, the occasional late supper at prata stall and the sleeping in without the 6.30 am reveilles.

actually i've no idea why i am blogging lately. when asked by my camp mates, i was lost for words. is it because i have no one to turn to when i am down with a bad emotional verbal diarrhoea or i just dont have the desire to "verbalise" my thoughts. and if you realise or maybe i'm assuming, i'm more inept at speaking than writing. maybe that's because i have grown so used to the veil that i retract under when i'm facing nothing but my monitor. none of the awkward pauses, the eye contact, the body language and what not. and to this, i have grown so helpless too.

awfully so.

but as i'm blogging this angsty (if you realised, most of my entries are likewise) entry, i'm really in one of those emotionally jumbled moments. read weishan's blog and she was blogging about her inability to win the rag championship for her hall because of her perceived "incapability and lack of talent and confidence and hope" and it haunts her badly enough. the inability to match up to expectations, the rung which you can't touch no matter how hard and far you reach out for and the invisible ceiling that runs across even though you thought it only applies for the career women.

and girl... if you are reading this (but i doubt you are. we've drifted so much since jc times sadly), you're not alone in this nightmare. i'm sure we'll find our own answers one day.

i'm still reading neil humphrey's notes on singapore and although i agree with rj's thought that neil dramatises his content, i still find myself laughing and questioning and reflecting as i plod through the pages of the book. and in his illustration of singaporeans, he wrote about the obsession of the quantifiables in life.

and his writing did find his way to me again. and if people do read my blog and come to know me in reality, they'll realise what a stark difference there exists in my virtual and actual persona. my friends often ask me to live for the moment and leave the questions to tomorrow.

but the fact is i often do the reverse.
and that's perhaps the reason why i'm always squatting by the road of life while others cruise away?

friday nights - sabbaticals of another sort.

here i am, blogging after a long day of well... fun and work i must say (sentosa -> kbox -> CH meeting) reaching home at timings close to midnight are slowly becoming a routine of mine as i religiously pledge my commitment to Project Creative Home. haha, i'm sounding so cult-ish and random. but as my title puts it aptly, friday nights are sabbaticals of another sort, to a ever-so-uncontented me.

and if you can pardon me for littering the phrase "project creative home" so conveniently in my previous entries, let me do a little bit of introduction but with lots of brevity (lest i fall asleep typing this entry of mine hah :p)

i'm currently in the project as a project director in charge of the accounts. basically, this project promises a tangible change to the society as we encourage youth expression through arts. and what better way to make their expression ubiquitous then to paint dustbins with social messages that they strongly want to convey to the rest of the public. from inspirational talks and technical workshops to the actual painting process to the grand finale of concert and prize presentation in a span of 5 months, we seek to involve youths in having a stake and say in the larger society. after which, 88 bins will be placed permanently along orchard road and the esplanade!

sounds succint enough? ha. tried my best to be non verbose even though i've always been in speech and writing.

and! a writeup of mine has been recently put up on the youth.sg website. do take a look here!

and perhaps why you want to ask me why involvement in CH will be a sabbatical of another sort. as i was sitting on the train along the north-south line with my project mates (miak and crispin), it's really refreshing to talk to them considering that one of them is a ntu comm studies undergrad while the other is entering the same faculty in years to come. so to speak, most of my friends i have are from science streams. and while i dont trust stereotypes that much, my "sciency" friends are those that tend to be more analytical and no-fuss whilst my project mates being "artsy" people have a natural appreciation for the philosophical side of life and tend to be more introspective and pensive.

and so we talked about arts appreciation (though, i really know nuts about it), raved about good books for long travelling on public transports like those from neil humphreys and shared about the misconception most people have about emo-ism - in particular their culture and way of life. and through my speech with them, i feel so inadequate again though in a postive sense. i realised that's so much more to life that what i think of life. and this is what makes life exciting - the vibrancy that diversity brings.

ha, i feel alive once again.
do you?

drunken on moonlight.

just yesterday, i was at miss clarity's cafe for a late dinner with some of new project mates. quite like the ambience - partly because of decor and the music that was accompanying in the background. it's a great place to dine and just chill without feeling any obtrusiveness or inhibitions. but i guess most importantly, it was the company of the new friends i have made through Creative Home that made me feel this way. and as we concluded, we are a quite a "rojak" team given the diverse backgrounds and work we are involved in. but i guess we'll all work steadily towards every phase of our project for the good of the beneficary. the buildup to the finale is always tumultuous and painstaking as for everything in life. so keep holding on yah.

and then we all enjoyed the signature desert unequivocally. mud ooze as it was named - a generous scoop of vanilla ice cream with swirls of chocolate syrup that lined the mountain of white randomly. beneath it was warm and moist chocolate shortcake that was filling to the edges of the cup. wielding your spoon into the frosty mountain then into the hot melting lava and there you have it - an uber sinful... sinfully irresistable treat that is bound to bring some much sought-after warmth when you need it in low and unhappy and emotionally needful times. or so we call it, comfort food.

and it's times like this,
when i just want to be drunken on moonlight with a pint of melancholy.