bitten by the love bug (again), and *ouch*

pohly pocket poh sent me this mv even though my one hell of a jj-lin fan sister bought it from the crazy cornetto royale promotion. and yes, watching the video makes me want to fall in love (again) - again, not as in i have fallen in love and want to fall in love again but rather i have the desire to fall in love again. okay, balderdash. i still remembered vividly my classmate's msn nickname during our j2 valentine's day - " Love is in the air... But it sucks when you're not one of the pair"

how very apt. lol, nvm i believe my 晴晴 is out there waiting for me. stop seeking high and low, give me a call okay? i'll meet you straight away. no qualms.

sowing seeds.

i'm so glad i'm blogging on a monday morning because this means that i've survived yet another extremely hectic week. rushing from one locality to another like a headless chicken, not having enough time for meals and stealing some snooze on the bus whenever i can. but i must say, i'm feeling rather fufilled this time.

we had our facilitators' workshop yesterday at nyc, scape. initially planned for 25 facilitators, but only around 15 turned up. but well, if you ask me, the numbers are not indicative of anything at this stage yet. to be frank, they were quite "coagulated" in their cliques and all. however after we had a sharing with Mr. Martin Tan, everyone started to open up and the slab of ice turned into a melting pot.

if you havent already know, i like reading self-help books because contrary to common belief, self-help books arent just quick fixes to problems you face... they explain the workings behind human relationships and delves deeper into what is not readily apparent to many of us. and in my usual fashion, i'll share something that i've read. there can be two ways of deriving happiness - working towards attaining a goal and helping others derive their happiness. i.e. it's the pursuit of happiness and assisting people in their pursuit that can make you happy.

with my own readings and martin's questioning during his inspirational speech, i have suddenly found a direction ahead. ask me about it and i'll tell you :) and as it is, i'm extremely excited with the propsect of growth (not in the physical sense, dudes.) in our project. i've had a girl who joined our project because she said she wanted to be a more sociable person and that she want to walk out of her shell. and i was assuring her that there will be tremendously many opportunities for her to walk out of her comfort zone.

now, i've realised there's indeed nothing more empowering and fufilling than to witness self growth and helping others grow.

leftover shotgun shells.

of late, i made some rather rash and tactless decisions even though with no genuine malice intended, i was misconstrued... tension rose, relationships sour and i realise that i really need to recollect myself since i tend to become easily unsettled at times. someone told me the fact that we are already young adults and we need to understand that our actions have considerable consequences. how fearfully true. approaching quarter life crisis and i'm glad i was jolted out of my guileless playground, though in a way that brought about reprisals and much ill sentiment. what hefty tuition fees i paid to my tutor - Life.

that being said, i realised that it really takes more than compromise and accomodation for team dynamics to work out. of course being in a millitary context as conscripts, we all come in with different mindsets and live our short-lived stint with different objectives. hence, it's almost impossible to align our values and actions i.e. there are definitely more differences that exist between us than commonalities. all in all, maybe i've just grown more acquiescent and jaded. now, i just look forward to cambodia yep to find myself again and my aus vacation to pick myself up for my life ahead.

and from now till then, maybe i'll continue to look for my first love ha...

trapped in a washing machine.

i'm feeling highly emotional now. and it's times of this in the month when emo monster creeps up to me, gives me a tap on my shoulder and release the floodgate for a deluge of emotions - both good and bad feeling ones. so get ready to be drowned in my monthly (though sometimes being more frequent than usual) verbal diarrhoea now.

this two weeks has been a rather mundane period of time without any significant high or low points to speak about. except the fact that i shuttled between my house and A&e twice because of tear-jerking abdominal pains. the first visit i was thankfully accompanied with my elder sis at 5+ am in the morning while the second one, i went alone not wanting to wake anyone up at the same wee hours in the morning.

and as the usual introspective albeit reticent person i am, i always treasured personal space as one of my perennial innnermost needs. i'd rather plug in my mp3 and listen to emo songs like when you're gone - avril or on the side of me - corrine may and just observe and think than find someone to accompany me wherever i go just for the sake of companionship. but the bad thing is it doesnt help when i get easily affected, emotionally... by my observations.

in fact, i was having a long talk with my project friend in CH. after listening to his experiences and description of his relations with the others in the team made me realise how distant i've become with so many of my other friends. it made feel how surface i've become in terms of relationships, favouring width instead of breadth when it comes to the pursuits in life and feeling so... detached. and i begin to question myself - are my ambitious pursuits and desire to feel happy so mutually exclusive? must i really forsake one for the other? beats me.

people around me think well (or at least what they claim) of me because of my tight schedules and ceaseless commitments. but i cant help but put up a meek and forceful front when i know the mr.-networker in the making-social worker-aspiring entrepreneur to them is just an alter ego of myself. please tell me it's the real me when the subdued one comes to life in person when you see him yah.

and you will ask me why so angsty one my blog. why arh. i also dont know leh. sometimes i rather people dont read my blog because they'll think, 'aiyo, dont read already. his emo-ism is so contagious and it makes me feel sad also' and this could be the reason why i need to put on some celebrity look alike pictures to balance the overall mood out and not that i hanker after the minute of fame! ha, lame excuse. *punches myself*

and this entry is really disorganised. so i thank you if you do bother to read till this point because i really am not in the mental state for any order whatsoever. though in less than 5 hours time, i'll be travelling back to camp for the last guard duty of my life. =)

maybe till after that, i'll be in a more conscious state of mind to realign, reaffirm and react.

nitey,
my friends.

too bored.

when i've got nothing constructive enough to work on... (cool, i look like song dao cai cai zi on the 2nd one)

if you have asked.

ever since i entered the service, i realised that there's no better sanctuary than home. sure there's the saucy gossiping, pseudo-jitters about earning the holy bullet and cracking lewd jokes (or rather witnessing lewd antics in full play) every now and then in my "second home" aka lck camp 2, but nothing beats the goodness of being at home - the hot water, the occasional late supper at prata stall and the sleeping in without the 6.30 am reveilles.

actually i've no idea why i am blogging lately. when asked by my camp mates, i was lost for words. is it because i have no one to turn to when i am down with a bad emotional verbal diarrhoea or i just dont have the desire to "verbalise" my thoughts. and if you realise or maybe i'm assuming, i'm more inept at speaking than writing. maybe that's because i have grown so used to the veil that i retract under when i'm facing nothing but my monitor. none of the awkward pauses, the eye contact, the body language and what not. and to this, i have grown so helpless too.

awfully so.

but as i'm blogging this angsty (if you realised, most of my entries are likewise) entry, i'm really in one of those emotionally jumbled moments. read weishan's blog and she was blogging about her inability to win the rag championship for her hall because of her perceived "incapability and lack of talent and confidence and hope" and it haunts her badly enough. the inability to match up to expectations, the rung which you can't touch no matter how hard and far you reach out for and the invisible ceiling that runs across even though you thought it only applies for the career women.

and girl... if you are reading this (but i doubt you are. we've drifted so much since jc times sadly), you're not alone in this nightmare. i'm sure we'll find our own answers one day.

i'm still reading neil humphrey's notes on singapore and although i agree with rj's thought that neil dramatises his content, i still find myself laughing and questioning and reflecting as i plod through the pages of the book. and in his illustration of singaporeans, he wrote about the obsession of the quantifiables in life.

and his writing did find his way to me again. and if people do read my blog and come to know me in reality, they'll realise what a stark difference there exists in my virtual and actual persona. my friends often ask me to live for the moment and leave the questions to tomorrow.

but the fact is i often do the reverse.
and that's perhaps the reason why i'm always squatting by the road of life while others cruise away?

friday nights - sabbaticals of another sort.

here i am, blogging after a long day of well... fun and work i must say (sentosa -> kbox -> CH meeting) reaching home at timings close to midnight are slowly becoming a routine of mine as i religiously pledge my commitment to Project Creative Home. haha, i'm sounding so cult-ish and random. but as my title puts it aptly, friday nights are sabbaticals of another sort, to a ever-so-uncontented me.

and if you can pardon me for littering the phrase "project creative home" so conveniently in my previous entries, let me do a little bit of introduction but with lots of brevity (lest i fall asleep typing this entry of mine hah :p)

i'm currently in the project as a project director in charge of the accounts. basically, this project promises a tangible change to the society as we encourage youth expression through arts. and what better way to make their expression ubiquitous then to paint dustbins with social messages that they strongly want to convey to the rest of the public. from inspirational talks and technical workshops to the actual painting process to the grand finale of concert and prize presentation in a span of 5 months, we seek to involve youths in having a stake and say in the larger society. after which, 88 bins will be placed permanently along orchard road and the esplanade!

sounds succint enough? ha. tried my best to be non verbose even though i've always been in speech and writing.

and! a writeup of mine has been recently put up on the youth.sg website. do take a look here!

and perhaps why you want to ask me why involvement in CH will be a sabbatical of another sort. as i was sitting on the train along the north-south line with my project mates (miak and crispin), it's really refreshing to talk to them considering that one of them is a ntu comm studies undergrad while the other is entering the same faculty in years to come. so to speak, most of my friends i have are from science streams. and while i dont trust stereotypes that much, my "sciency" friends are those that tend to be more analytical and no-fuss whilst my project mates being "artsy" people have a natural appreciation for the philosophical side of life and tend to be more introspective and pensive.

and so we talked about arts appreciation (though, i really know nuts about it), raved about good books for long travelling on public transports like those from neil humphreys and shared about the misconception most people have about emo-ism - in particular their culture and way of life. and through my speech with them, i feel so inadequate again though in a postive sense. i realised that's so much more to life that what i think of life. and this is what makes life exciting - the vibrancy that diversity brings.

ha, i feel alive once again.
do you?

drunken on moonlight.

just yesterday, i was at miss clarity's cafe for a late dinner with some of new project mates. quite like the ambience - partly because of decor and the music that was accompanying in the background. it's a great place to dine and just chill without feeling any obtrusiveness or inhibitions. but i guess most importantly, it was the company of the new friends i have made through Creative Home that made me feel this way. and as we concluded, we are a quite a "rojak" team given the diverse backgrounds and work we are involved in. but i guess we'll all work steadily towards every phase of our project for the good of the beneficary. the buildup to the finale is always tumultuous and painstaking as for everything in life. so keep holding on yah.

and then we all enjoyed the signature desert unequivocally. mud ooze as it was named - a generous scoop of vanilla ice cream with swirls of chocolate syrup that lined the mountain of white randomly. beneath it was warm and moist chocolate shortcake that was filling to the edges of the cup. wielding your spoon into the frosty mountain then into the hot melting lava and there you have it - an uber sinful... sinfully irresistable treat that is bound to bring some much sought-after warmth when you need it in low and unhappy and emotionally needful times. or so we call it, comfort food.

and it's times like this,
when i just want to be drunken on moonlight with a pint of melancholy.

everything else... on hold.

my oh my... it's just feel so darn good to be doing nothing on a sunday night. if it was as per normal, i would be packing my booking in stuff, trying to load my clothes and study materials into my bag. have a quick dinner with my family and off i'm back to lim chu kang camp II for yet another week of montonous work routine. gladly, i'm on off tomorrow. a much awaited and celebrated sabbatical (considering i haven't been on one since a month ago).

seriously, 5 days work week sucks and it sucks big time. being at the lowest hierachy, we are relegated to the task of guard duties. and somehow although it's supposed to be a volunteered task which isnt part of our vocation, there are bound to be unplesantries in the course of our duty. like having other NSFs who think that their rank bestows upon them a greater status of existence and hence their blatant misuse of their powers. but oh wells, i could flaunt my army lingo but basically it all sums up to one phrase - suck it up!

and a peep at ns.sg, to my revelation =)):

Your estimated Service Balance is 152*. Your projected ORD date is 08-Dec-2007*. This record is updated on 09-Jul-2007.

so liberation is approaching after all. it wouldnt be soon before i yell 'ORD LOH' as i walk out of the shit hole.

dating backk... on friday the 13th, i was doing guard duty at my camp. i witnessed a vehicle colliding onto a dog just outside my camp gate, just right in front of my eyes. although i dont have any pets, i really felt for this little dog. you see, this dog happens to be related to another in my camp but it was just outside my camp and barking to its mate inside. albeit irritating at times, my heart somehow softened in a melancholic manner when i observed the wistful look in its eyes. i opened the gate in a bid to let him in but it just didnt budge. after the accident, i quickly got the spca number from laine mei and was directed to a 1800 hotline - most prob an organisation that handles such cases.

i waited an hour and a half for them to come to my damned camp (they promised to come by half hour) although it was supposed to be my rest time. then the dog got ran over yet another time. this time i witnessed the final struggle of the little dog. he flinched a little and his limbs shuddered for a few times before it finally laid down on the side of the road motionless. a pool of dark red blood was visible on the middle of the road even from someone inside the camp and it trailed all the way to the carcass.

and they eventually called me to tell me the dog has been cleared at around 9am the following day, i thanked them. and like what i msged laine mei, i dont know what to say, how to react or how should i feel.

maybe... i've been left feeling so vulnerable and jaded, from realising the sheer fragility of life.

an ultimatum

haha... i've been issued with an ultimatum just today. and the consequences arent terribly pleasing to a National Service Fulltime whose freedom hinges on what little days of freedom and blithe he already has. sometimes, it make me wonder if all these threats and the final whammy - the ultimatum, is hardly necessary? i thought if we could perform our nation defending duties well and good, we should have a relatively "enjoyable" and "peaceful" time? but it seems, the title of my blog - "as if, my life has stalled..." still has its relevance after all. *pats myself on my shoulders* ha.

but on the other hand, maybe things arent that bleak as i construe it to be. one thing for sure, the jadedness in me is dragging me down lol. i'm just a paradox and freak of nature. like i dont really understand myself at all. maybe no one does still.

i read my friend's blog just some time ago.

she asked, "what makes you happy?" it's somewhat rather rhetorical from the banal "getting your A's after your months of slogging" to the ambitious "landing yourself in an i-banking job" to the rather random "gratification from having sex"

you tell me. ha. while i try to unravel what the word "happiness" entails.

=)

silly quelf.

geez! i'm back from a 22/04 class gathering. today was a long and hectic day for me and everything prior to the gathering really drained me. and with the less than pleasing turnout from the guys (bunny overseas hol, chris route march, boss pungseh, hao ge and kelvin mia) i thought the gathering wasn't going to be a fantastic one. however, it was one of the better class gatherings we had.

let's see. i booked out from tekong like 10am. rushed to j8 and bought myself a pants, boots and socks by 11.30pm. was supposed to meet billy lee at singapore cricket club by 12.30pm. well i really have to thank my mum for getting me this contact. he introduced me to the rotary club (raffles city) when i went there, it's really like an exclusively "rich men club" over lunch, i was introduced to the director of the rotaract club (meaning rotary club for the younger adults below age 30) and several other renowned rotarians or so they call themselves. it was certainly very intriguing listening to these people share about their projects and experiences. more so with the fact that they are professionals in their respective vocations - lawyers, dentists, consultants, ceos and what not. billy lee told me he's semi-retired, but he's on the board of the director of 7 public listed companies. he also used to be the ceo of sembawang corp. -_- like omg.

but one thing that i felt was especially poignant to me was the advice he told me "it's not about what you know but about who you know" i realised i dont belong to the scholar calibre, neither will i content to be a farmer for the rest of my life. therefore, i really need to network and differentiate myself.

after that, i met up with my ex college mates. some of them changed so drastically that i couldnt even recognise them lah. like huiyi, i thought hey who's this girl? new classmate arhs lol. we have girls becoming more feminine, more demure and more attractive lol. but guys arh, still same pattern i think. we played several board games within our group of 10 (3 guys, 7 gals) like truth or dare jenga, quelf and saboteur. but half of the time, my mind was shut off because i only got like 3-4h of sleep during duty. lol. but nevertheless, it was damn hilarious to look at us do our silly forfeits like "one-eyed mimes", "playing invisible piano" and the infamous "omg, shit is coming, quick run!"

all in all, it's good times teasing my friends, linking them up with their dream half lol. it's amazing that for some of these people, i never really talked to them during college times. it's only when we meet up once in a blue moon, that we reminisce the good old days. :)

本来

yup, i haven't been adding new content to this personal virtual diary of mine for the past few months. and i am uber glad that there's an auto save function for blogspot right now. it's like the panacea to my cranky ie that crashes ever so often. anyway, that's besides the point.

if you haven't already know, i just returned from a mountain climbing trip to mount belumut. like any typical reach activitity, there's bound to be lotsa takeaway for me - both tangible and intangible. maybe that's precisely the reason i'm still volunteering actively in this organisation. on the whole, this expedition really made me realise that there's always a fragile moment in everyone. i witnessed guys and gals that still slip and off along the track and there came my helping hand! ha. and i thought human beings arent that infallible anymore. we are made to be dependent in some way or another. if not, it only nullifies the existence of friends and families that form the core of your support network.

we washed up under the rapids at the waterfall. i tell you... the feeling of the fresh water gushing down on you that threatens to wash your shorts and underpants away while you cling on precariously onto a vine was one one of those feelings that made me feel alive, really alive. in the process of the trip, i was talking to this good friend of mine about the deeper nuances in life. like how we so conveniently numb ourselves with our work or school routine that we forgot the presence of mother nature. anyway, we concluded that any getaway from our routine makes good times ha. conquering mount belumut, the following day we shopped at jusco and ended our trip with a go-kart racing. another mind blowing experience when i experienced the nerve wrecking process of "drifting" albeit with a 80cc kart only lah.

but i guessed the highlight of the trip was a late night sharing at the mount belumut campsite. only 5 of us were gathered at a campfire while the others were snoozing away in their tentages. we talked about everything under the sun from religion to the meaning of life to sexuality etc. then there was this girl i had a fancy for since the philippines trip last year who was within the 5 of us at the campfire.

in front of the other 2 girls and a guy, she asked me "ben, did you like me in philippines since last year?" i was like gosh. shouldn't i be doing the questioning instead. and the rest of the conversation was history as i realised we were not meant to be after all. after the trip, i thought to myself what a failure i am. a girl who's 2 years younger than me, can be so frank and forthcoming about her feelings and all. me? in the past, i had a crush on my classmate in jc but i only had the courage to talked to her through the net and over the phone. when she was with her clique, i darent even talked to her let alone know how i felt about her. this time, i made seemingly abit of a progress. during our trip last year, i spent some personal moments with her at the mountains taking in the scenery there. but eventually when i had planned to make known my feelings to her at the airport, i chickened out. i threw in the tower. i waved the flag to surrender... in cowardice.

and so i thought, when can i ever face up honestly to my feelings. sometimes, it just feel so bad to let everything get pent up inside. i can pour out my emotions and thoughts to my close friends and aunt agonies but eventually i'm still just stucked within this shell... for long. but i'm glad she took the initiative to clear the air, if not i'll be clinging on unrelentlessly and hopefully. i'll pick myself up and get my priorities (SATs, JLPT, NYAA etc.) right... once again. believe me.

来不及了
长长的简讯对象
已经不会是我

* please ignore my ranting because i just have to *

love is but an expensive and effortful affair

blogging in camp when i will be stucked in lim chu kang camp II for the whole week since i'm not on tekong duty. ever since my last post on april's fool day with a picture that struck a deep chord within me, i havent really had anything significant to blog about. but i guess, there's always a need to maintain a channel to release my pensive thoughts.

anyway yesterday, i was out with coco tan and old quek. actually it wasnt exactly a meetup since we only went for a brief lunch and was engaged in a love mission. you see... coco tan was celebrating his one month anniversary with his new found lover (half). and so he was showing us a hand made collage of their "memories" but the not so pleasant revelation was that his photos in his collage were falling off. and so after having our very brief lunch, we proceeded to popular to get some glue and scotch tape for some emergency tasking - to ensure that the collage was repaired in time for coco's meeting with her significant half to movies and a date at the night safari. and so in my usual jest, i was suanning him all the way e.g. " i want to go to night safari, but no one wants to go with me :(" and etc. you know it. old quek was even more hilarious, he blewn 2.5k in soccer betting because it seemed all too tempting to just up the ante when you don't see the cold hard cash in transaction. seems like his officer's salary has been put to pretty "good" use =X

back tracking to another day before... on saturday. we had a vertical marathon at tpy but although it was organised by me, my role seems to be downplayed :( not that i'm a power hungry individual but i guess recognition is one tangible motivation. but it's alright, i believe the opportunities ahead are plentiful. after that, i attended a "BREAKOUT! BE A TOP ACHIEVER" seminar at suntec. in retrospect, i felt that the $190 spent on the workshop was more inspirational than informative lest the first portion on memory tips like pegging. the other segments of the seminar entailed building meaningful relationships and conquering your destiny. i realised that i'm a confrontational person when it comes to managing conflicts. shan't elaborate about that.

most meaningful take away from the seminar was definitely from the last segment... because i have learnt to...

- celebrate what's right in the world and to truly believe in it so i will be able to see it materialising eventually.

up ahead, i guess there's many more challenges coming my way like my fundraising issues. i'm thorned between implementing one effective and impactful fundraising affair. just hoping everything will come clear to me as time goes by!

but no, it has to!

more awaits me ahead.

it's been a long time since i've updated. lately after the makeover "debacle", i've been juggling more and more tasks on my side. talking about the makeover, i realise they are really putting in much effort in publicising this makeover affair. now i really wonder how i got myself into such a fix.

anyway, as i was saying... i'm piling up a lot more responsibilities on my shoulder. firstly, i'm taking up the role as the adventure team leader and i'm leading a team to mt ophir in june. like 'huh', you will ask. since when have i become the adventurous person and leading a team? haha i really don't know anyway too. but i guess the only constant is change. ha.. what a cliche.

besides that, i'm travelling to vietnam at the end of this year for another overseas community service trip. this time, i'll be a sales executive for the fund raising effort. a rather novel opportunity to take on tasks that i'd like to envision myself taking up in the future. just last saturday, i went to farmart in lim chu kang for a short introduction course. basically, this farmart place is a huge entity that houses the many community development (CD) concepts that can be applied to aid the needy in the 3rd world countries. we were introduced to ideas like the faith (food always in the home) garden, self reliant house and vip latrine - all of which will increase the self reliance of the users and ensure sustainability in the long term so that we are actually teaching them to fish instead of just giving them a fish to last a day. the former perception was what i had actually harboured for our previous expedition. as much as we did achieve our objectives like construction of toilets and water pumps etc., alot of the work was done by the local carpenters. there were little if not no technology and knowledge transfer. so this time, i believe after equipping ourselves with the CD concepts we learnt from farmart, our experience and presence in vietnam will be a more meaningful, fufilling and lasting one.

yesterday, during jap class our sensei taught us origami. haha, she was still saying some guys can be good at origami eh. (otokono hito wa origami ga tokuyi desune) - ya i'm shure lah. at least, she's not referring to me. i only know how to fold straw stars but other than that, i'm just too clumsy when it comes to artwork lol. i'm glad my japanese school takes effort to add some spice to our curriculum so learning japanese wouldn't be just learning the grammar and vocabulary all the time.

last but not least! my pen pal has replied to me. ha if you have read my post about my trip to philippines last year, you would have remember that i made a penpal from garing national high school. so as i was waiting and waiting, finally i received the reply from kimberly. well well, she told me that the boy we helped to deliver the drawing and letter over to his mum in singapore wanted to thank us all for what we did. i guess the biggest consolation of it all is that such gratitude is what really motivates and keeps me on to volunteer when the passion and interest is waning. it is all the more heartening when you know you have become more than a volunteer to the needy but as a friend and an aide that they can confide with.

i'm more than contented! =)

made over, though not thoroughly lol.

okay, today was the actual madeover session. okay lah, actually i dont feel exactly made over. mainly coz i couldnt dye my hair but only cut it short! stef, the female contestant dyed then permed her hair. made her look like some princess lah. okay not that i will look like a prince if i could play about with my hair but i believe i will certainly look different with longer and coloured hair. haha. did my hair at chapter 2, marina sq. and coincidentally, junhan and jun jiat was at there shopping also.

did the photoshoot at *scape, opp ceneleisure. was quite a good experience lah, just that i'm not one that's used to photo whoring. so some photos were nice, others not so lol. nevertheless, it was great fun lah. abit surreal like on tv but not as extreme only. hope the photos will turn out fine! dont know what's the voting thingy about but if got prize to win maybe i go ask everyone to vote for me. hahahaha. if not, i hush hush... coz so paiseh lah.

omg -_-.

shoots. of late, my rather mundane life has taken a quirky twist. one day as i was randomly surfing around on the net, i chanced upon a new event www.youth.sg was organising. so it says "A free make-over from Youth.sg" Since i had nothing else better to do, i sent in a haphazardly taken picture and a short writeup of why i needed a make-over.

shucks. and guess what? i was promptly notified that i was among the 3 male contestants selected for the make-over. so today, i went shopping for 2 set of clothes with the organisers and daphne khoo, the sg idol yah... she was there as some critic lol. i thought if this was a simple one-off makeover session, well and good. i get a free haircut and some fashion know-how. clothes i think they are only loaned for the photo shoot. not a bad trade off.

but my worst nightmare had to come true. im going to get featured on the youth.sg site as one of the contestants and get voted for the favourite makeover contestant. like what so favourite not favourite lah. omg, this is so embarassing.

a personalised souvenir!

teen no more!

well, bidding farewell to 2006 and ushering in 2007. can't help but feel insecure at times especially after what i realised during my short stay at footprinters' chalet just now. it's 0620h now and i just came back from the footprinters' chalet at downtown east.

i can't help but feel that joining REACH has made me learn and mature. i was talking to edmond, joe and joyce. apparently being the most senior youth mentors there, we were talking about our dreams and aspirations though it's rather usual cliche stuff yah. it's been long or rather i've never really had the oppoprtunity or rather the right conversational partners to talk about such topics. maybe my life had been rather banal before 2006. so we chatted all the way till joe fetched me to tpy and joyce to nus back. as i was talking with joyce just now, she told me she said we really age very fast, now we're 20 already. for a moment, i thought i was still 19 ... till i realised it's 2007 AD already. aghast, shocked, apprehensive or ambivalent? so many feelings lah. quarter-life crisis really sucks. to make things worse, joe and edmond were asking us what we want to do in the future and if we were to look back at what we are doing now when we are at 40... will we be happy? i guess i'll really relish this experience and the friends i made at reach thus far.

for those that don't know me well (not many do anyway), i guessed ns made me changed a whole lot. now, i no longer contend living the day as it is. somehow i'm starting to tweak my psyche to that of achievement and goal oriented and focusing on the end at the beginning of every new endeavour i undertake. nyaa gold's almost done, planning to take my jlpt 3 at the end of the year, volunteering at reach again in 2007 and joining a business startup competition. i don't know if it's healthy but what really keeps me going these days are such tangibles. admittedly, sometimes i do have an agenda for doing something. but during the days at cebu, cip hours and testimonials were definitely the last thing on my mind. afterall, that's a firm personal conviction of mine.

have i grown more jaded or angsty? i seriously hope not.

maybe... it's because, i've aged.

end of pensive mood

my "pensive-ness" is somehow drained because of the frustrations caused by the lag. there were instances when i tried to blog an entire post then i click post, an error page shown then i click back, everything's gone. anyway, footprints expedition'06 will definitely hold a significant place in my heart.

read an interesting poem on the forums... hhmm

The greatest irony of love

Loving the right person at the wrong time,
Having the wrong person when the time is right,
And finding out you love someone right after
That person walks out of your life.

And sometimes, you think you're already over a person,
Until you see them smile at you again,
You'll suddenly realize that you're really not.

For some, they think that letting go is one way
Of expressing how much you love the person,
By sacrificing your happiness for theirs,
Without realizing that the other person's
Doing the same thing for them.

Most relationships tend to fail
Not because of the absence of love;
Love is always present,
It's just that one is being loved too much
And the other was being loved too little.

We always fall in love with the person we think we love,
Only to discover that what we loved about them fades.
Bad experiences are always remembered,
But it's the wonderful memories that are captured
To remind us that there are brighter days ahead
And that happiness exists.

You need to learn to let go when you're hurting too much,
Realize that sometimes love just isn't enough
And accept the fact that things aren't always gonna be the same.

There is someone out there who will love you more.
It's all the thought you put into your decisions
That impairs your judgement
When your heart already knows what you need to do.

Listen to your heart. Even though it's on the left side, it's always right.