yup, i haven't been adding new content to this personal virtual diary of mine for the past few months. and i am uber glad that there's an auto save function for blogspot right now. it's like the panacea to my cranky ie that crashes ever so often. anyway, that's besides the point.
if you haven't already know, i just returned from a mountain climbing trip to mount belumut. like any typical reach activitity, there's bound to be lotsa takeaway for me - both tangible and intangible. maybe that's precisely the reason i'm still volunteering actively in this organisation. on the whole, this expedition really made me realise that there's always a fragile moment in everyone. i witnessed guys and gals that still slip and off along the track and there came my helping hand! ha. and i thought human beings arent that infallible anymore. we are made to be dependent in some way or another. if not, it only nullifies the existence of friends and families that form the core of your support network.
we washed up under the rapids at the waterfall. i tell you... the feeling of the fresh water gushing down on you that threatens to wash your shorts and underpants away while you cling on precariously onto a vine was one one of those feelings that made me feel alive, really alive. in the process of the trip, i was talking to this good friend of mine about the deeper nuances in life. like how we so conveniently numb ourselves with our work or school routine that we forgot the presence of mother nature. anyway, we concluded that any getaway from our routine makes good times ha. conquering mount belumut, the following day we shopped at jusco and ended our trip with a go-kart racing. another mind blowing experience when i experienced the nerve wrecking process of "drifting" albeit with a 80cc kart only lah.
but i guessed the highlight of the trip was a late night sharing at the mount belumut campsite. only 5 of us were gathered at a campfire while the others were snoozing away in their tentages. we talked about everything under the sun from religion to the meaning of life to sexuality etc. then there was this girl i had a fancy for since the philippines trip last year who was within the 5 of us at the campfire.
in front of the other 2 girls and a guy, she asked me "ben, did you like me in philippines since last year?" i was like gosh. shouldn't i be doing the questioning instead. and the rest of the conversation was history as i realised we were not meant to be after all. after the trip, i thought to myself what a failure i am. a girl who's 2 years younger than me, can be so frank and forthcoming about her feelings and all. me? in the past, i had a crush on my classmate in jc but i only had the courage to talked to her through the net and over the phone. when she was with her clique, i darent even talked to her let alone know how i felt about her. this time, i made seemingly abit of a progress. during our trip last year, i spent some personal moments with her at the mountains taking in the scenery there. but eventually when i had planned to make known my feelings to her at the airport, i chickened out. i threw in the tower. i waved the flag to surrender... in cowardice.
and so i thought, when can i ever face up honestly to my feelings. sometimes, it just feel so bad to let everything get pent up inside. i can pour out my emotions and thoughts to my close friends and aunt agonies but eventually i'm still just stucked within this shell... for long. but i'm glad she took the initiative to clear the air, if not i'll be clinging on unrelentlessly and hopefully. i'll pick myself up and get my priorities (SATs, JLPT, NYAA etc.) right... once again. believe me.
来不及了
长长的简讯对象
已经不会是我
* please ignore my ranting because i just have to *
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