if you have asked.

ever since i entered the service, i realised that there's no better sanctuary than home. sure there's the saucy gossiping, pseudo-jitters about earning the holy bullet and cracking lewd jokes (or rather witnessing lewd antics in full play) every now and then in my "second home" aka lck camp 2, but nothing beats the goodness of being at home - the hot water, the occasional late supper at prata stall and the sleeping in without the 6.30 am reveilles.

actually i've no idea why i am blogging lately. when asked by my camp mates, i was lost for words. is it because i have no one to turn to when i am down with a bad emotional verbal diarrhoea or i just dont have the desire to "verbalise" my thoughts. and if you realise or maybe i'm assuming, i'm more inept at speaking than writing. maybe that's because i have grown so used to the veil that i retract under when i'm facing nothing but my monitor. none of the awkward pauses, the eye contact, the body language and what not. and to this, i have grown so helpless too.

awfully so.

but as i'm blogging this angsty (if you realised, most of my entries are likewise) entry, i'm really in one of those emotionally jumbled moments. read weishan's blog and she was blogging about her inability to win the rag championship for her hall because of her perceived "incapability and lack of talent and confidence and hope" and it haunts her badly enough. the inability to match up to expectations, the rung which you can't touch no matter how hard and far you reach out for and the invisible ceiling that runs across even though you thought it only applies for the career women.

and girl... if you are reading this (but i doubt you are. we've drifted so much since jc times sadly), you're not alone in this nightmare. i'm sure we'll find our own answers one day.

i'm still reading neil humphrey's notes on singapore and although i agree with rj's thought that neil dramatises his content, i still find myself laughing and questioning and reflecting as i plod through the pages of the book. and in his illustration of singaporeans, he wrote about the obsession of the quantifiables in life.

and his writing did find his way to me again. and if people do read my blog and come to know me in reality, they'll realise what a stark difference there exists in my virtual and actual persona. my friends often ask me to live for the moment and leave the questions to tomorrow.

but the fact is i often do the reverse.
and that's perhaps the reason why i'm always squatting by the road of life while others cruise away?