bye bye.

responsibility is...

the willingness and ability to assume full source and cause for all efforts and counter-efforts in all dynamics.

relieved!

i've finally completed MAS-ESS essay comp with a grand word total of 2988, just 12 words shy from the 3k max. though the deadline's supposedly 31 may and i submitted on 1jun 1.12am, i don't care hah. one of the more slipshod works! in fact, i've been procrastinating for damn long a time. so much so in the morning, i told myself just give up on it and go with Dad and Sis for lunch. but then my Dad told me not to eat and finish it someway somehow. so here i am, at least i'm relieved i didn't chuck it like what i did for budget 08.

time's been wheezing by. had TCC and now embarking on MCW. having mixed feelings - apprehension, doubt yet with that doggedness that i will work things out somehow. time will be the best witness, so lo and behold.

saw myself on tv and looking fat. that's bad so it's high time to train up since i've registered for ippt with poh and gang.

loving and living life to the fullest. way north we go!

清风著...

当一个人没有了未来，他要如何去为未来奋斗呢?

let it be.

too many entries,

pondered, scribed, proof read but never published.

too many ideals,

crafted, manifested, exhilarated but never realised.

please, help me to... reconcile.
(prays dearly)

i'm cracked and incomplete...

Read something motivational at sgforums that i thought was worth the sharing.

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the House, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of it's own imperfection. And miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path,but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw. So I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house?

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got
to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape. Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life.

and i remembered, i read an article by corrinne may about celebrating diversity.

therefore i shall continually tell myself,

"down with homogeneity and conformity, it's now i do what i want and have to"

let's start from here.

solace, release or escape?

having downed about 5 mugs of beer and completed a seemingly unending application for the spring scholarship, it's a wonder i can still be here blogging.

before i go into this posting proper, i have to routinely recap on my life lest age catches up with while memory falls far back behind me. nothing really major took place this week except an interview with tnp on mon and YAH recruitment @ RP on wed and thur. recruitment was much more pleasant and bearable with the nerdy and chirpy girl a.k.a. Felicia. had a great time yakking with her over a plethora of topics at the "booth" and over lunch. but a slip of the tongue made me reveal some of my unglam past lah! (sshhh)

and to the posting proper. today was another day of work as a sales rep. i really relish the flexibility and opportunity to meet business owners and to pitch to them. but i believe the greatest takeaway is being fed with so many insights and advice from them about their entrepreneurial challenges in their respective industries. only and (perhaps, the biggest) drawback - many of my prospects haven't been 'closed' because they are unsure of the efficacy of the advertising platform i'm promoting since it hasn't been launched, as yet. * bummer *

in the evening, i met up with my secondary school scouting buddies - seng and ey. walter and nick was supposed to join us at timbre only later then, but i left early. given the fact that i haven't seen them since j1 years, it was somewhat a warm get-together nonetheless, reminiscing about the good ol' times we had in scouting.

after a simple zi char dinner, we stepped into a pub called 'Club Instinct' along purvis street. not that it had appealed to our senses or instincts, but we went there largely because of the cheap drinks as my friend was a regular there. none of the fanciful or over-the-board decor or music, instead the background music alternated between chinese and canto pop in a simplified setting.

and so we dropped our physical burdens i.e. bags and what not (but probably still laden with emotional ones) and got ourselves started with a jug of tiger. as i was savouring the bitter malt with its crisp aftertaste, i glanced around. a few guys sat in front of the bar with their only companion - alcohol.

i then returned to conversation with seng and ey. we caught up on each others' lives and occasionally seng went out for a puff or two. and ey told me seng is always the happy-go-lucky big brother that will be all ears for everyone else's problems but doesn't ever impose on or let others into his untold difficulties. perhaps with the exception of nicotine and alcohol, that are privy to or rather acquainted with his inner world.

i did attempt to "deftly" pry open the can of worms thinking that the onslaught of alcohol would come in handy, but seng just laughed it off when questioned. in the end, i succumbed to the resigned realization that maybe ignorance is bliss after all. looking at the many wearied souls around me once again, i wondered what kind of place does alcohol has in their lives and mine.

and somewhat in a contrived manner these few sentences insidiously came to my mind,

plagued with differing struggles,
congregated yet with a common resolve,
hence typifying a solace, release or escape?

then again, it could really be the tiger at work.

good night.

' teach me how to let it go'
- a random picture taken at *scape -

*hugs*

this was what was screened during the workshop i attended yesterday. a simple gesture that's so uniting given the fact that we are growing physically distant when we are becoming increasingly connected.

so when was the last time i've met up and had a good chat with you?

overwhelmed in a day.

it's been quite some time since i last blogged. took a short hiatus from blogging perhaps my life hasn't seen much of a breakthrough or major change lately. fortunately i won first runner up for 'green wall' and waiting earnestly for my n73 though japan airlines (jal) scholarship was a bummer ): but i'm hoping makiko san can be my coach for a japanese speech competition that i'm intending to join! dai jyo bu yo. sou ka.

and today i've started my sales job officially. it's been an enjoyable and challenging experience for me. went to central on a shop to shop basis, asked for contacts or pitched directly when the decision makers were around. pitched 3 times on my first day, am satisfied. hope it'll be a close, while i wait to follow up. *fingers crossed*

was really one hectic and exciting day too, to speak of. after sales for say slightly more than half of the day, went to halogen to settle accounts with junn again. in fact, i dread going to halogen for the purpose of creative home accounts. but knowing and learning from junn is an experience altogether. from stammering on the phone while speaking to her initially to periodical meetings with her to update the accounts to knowing her on a deeper level and being invited to her wedding. really learnt a lot about accounting from her, at least in the practical sense.

after that, i met this middle-aged guy who interestingly started talking with me at the B2 of some old shopping centre. his conversation went,

him: "do you work here"
me: "no, i don't. i happen to have a meeting around the area. hah, why do you ask?"
him: "my wife said this area has quite a lot of gays and one tried to hit on me."
me: *tried my best not to be skeptical about this and to suppress my raised eyebrows*

and then we parted. then i went to mac to chill out and consolidate my leads. then this guy came and i smiled. so we ended up talking for the next 20mins or so. and i got to learn that he's actually the district director of alexandra aia. then his friend came and he talked with him. and ended up i talked with his friend for another 15mins and he was sharing with me opportunities to be part of a MNC that does the sales & marketing campaigns for various industries.

and to wrap up the day, i headed to smu with kenneth (oh) for a workshop by eric feng again on 'how to become a people magnet, building a personal network you can count on' hah, it's hard to find like-minded people of my age that are interested and willing to invest money and time in themselves. and im glad he shared this lobang. thanks bro.

i wouldn't say it's totally content packed. certain things taught are readily apparently but not readily practised on a daily basis. learnt about networking, improving inter personal relations, business networking and even how to create a name for yourself in whatever line you intend to embark on. was definitely worth the price i would say.

and we ended with a "free hugs" activity, was a v sweet parting gesture. and i met so many cool people. 3 people from Walton which I happen to know of the land bank investment opportunities from Edgeworth. 1 wealth management consultant, software engineers, bank sales consultant, fengshui consultant, telemarketer and what not. also, this lady who looks amazingly young to be a lecturer for culture & comms at RP. hah, have touched base with her and hopefully will catch up next week at RP for YAH recruitment :)

most interestingly, i met this lady who's also into volunteering and social enterprise! well i've been always been passionate about the prospect of setting up a social enterprise and micro credit facility in a 3rd world country. and when she told me she and her friend are intending to set up a micro enterprise facility in myanmar, my face lit up! and it brightened up a few more watts when she was looking for partners too. hopefully, one of my dreams will take off soon.

till then, let me immerse in the excitement and dynamism of this stage of my life.

~ Carpe Diem.


* so sorry for being so narcissistic >.<"
i didn't mean to be a killer, at least not a narcissistic one to start with.

it has, once again

this song has once again, found it's way to my heart.



and when silence can be deafening too.

why my own?

freedom.

fly by.

wells, i just returned from the night safari. it's a place i haven't been to since primary school i reckon? but i went there with jing to catch up with sharika, vimala mum and mr. kamal. just yesterday, i dropped by river view hotel to catch up with mr. mishra because he had to fly back earlier to settle other commonwealth matters.

and it's all good catching up with them! and it seemed as if it was just yesterday when we were sitting together, 3 long tables joined together with numerous indian cuisines - BUTTER CHICKEN, BUTTER NAAN!?! and just a while ago, we are back at a round table again (eating) and reminiscing about the times in delhi, a month ago.

this week was yet another week whereby i spent almost every night out.

mon: evening was spent with this emo boy. had dinner, walked from lau pa sat back to city hall mrt in the rain and then realising the times in cambodia was hell of a fun with the three troublemakers. now that one has settled down in australia, the other two just feel that the equation is incomplete.

tues: went to smu to do my "green wall" presentation. was quite a refreshing experience - apprentice boardroom style with 3 profs and 1 nokia personnel i think. three year 3, one year 1 and one year 0. *fingers crossed* i'm desperate for the phone as i need dough for taiwan BADLY. owing ah kok money for travelling and rita san for my japanese lessons fees.

wed: simple evening to catch up with my grandma :)


外面风大雨大 - 真想找个停泊的港口，一个只有我和你的避风港。

你...却在哪儿呢?

transfixed.

stop and stare (and breathe)?

(caution! this is gonna be a long post)

i've watched Step Up 2 today and i was just blown away. it was waaaaaaaaaayyyy coool and plain neat. oh man, i'm like "sot" by the female lead - briana evigan. i so like her feisty and devil-may-care attitude. and her smile is like etched in my mind. and there's a part she said that i particularly like -

"it's not what you've got, but what you make out of what you've got"

before i go all besotted and ga-ga with her, i'm so glad i've rushed out one of my much over-due "writing pursuits" the title sounds corny but what the heck? i'd like to think that the higher beings are rather fair (so to speak) as I've told mich. since i'm not blessed athletically, artistically, musically (or perhaps even aesthetically), i just have to capitalize on my ability to write lotsa bull. well, briana taught me that, didnt she?

and here's it, if you may be interested in reading, i managed to cap it to 300 words exactly (phew)!

I have named the Green Wall as “Breathing Drapes of Nature” mainly because it somehow represents a gentle awakening and cognizance that amidst the hustle and bustle of school life, we students do need to find time to “breathe” like how the ‘creeping vines’ are.

From a functional point of view, these vines can be likened to drapes that provide the buildings with screening shade. Together with the complementing backdrop of garden courts and roof gardens, it is indeed “a signature for SMU’s ‘Campus in the Park’”

However, I like to believe the ‘hanging creepers’ exists for reasons more significant (though subtler) than that. The fact that the ‘hanging creepers’ line the normally cold and unfeeling skyscrapers in the SMU campus in harmony, goes to show that our environment and the urbanized landscape need not be mutually exclusive.

On the contrary, it instead reminds us that we are not only stakeholders in the modernized landscape but as well as in the environmental realm. And that the ‘creeping vines’ are shading us from the sun yet enveloping the warmth from within reiterates the dependency we have, on Mother Nature. Therefore, environmental awareness should indeed be a common shared concern and not be detached from us in our rat race. If not, we may literally be “burnt out” by the sun first before the heat from the competition even gets to us.

Last but not least, it’s back to the point of ‘needing to find time to breathe’. Caught in our constant pursuits to attain and then maintain impressive GPAs, seize the coveted places for exchanges and scholarships and what not, I thought that many of us (perhaps, including myself) sadly have not much of a life or time for ourselves.

We could have forgotten how to stop and stare and breathe.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and like OMG, ed shared with me another youtube video for me to bask in the mood of love. guys and girls, you are in treat. it's like so damn sweeeeet can?

i'll finally find...

this song somehow keeps tugging at my emotional chords, of late. from that saturday night i listened to ling & owie (?) at National Museum with the other 163B folks and then it has been playing almost everyday on 98.7 when im at work. guess the radio provides me with the best solace after all.

and it's all the more interesting to go to youtube and read the comments from other users on the music video, especially since this was part of the ost for the movie - serendipity.

ryry16123 (1 month ago):

The first time I heard this song, I was with a girl i liked and everytime i hear this, i think of her. If i would ask for her hand in marriage, i would play this for her. This song makes me want to cry, in a good way.

then i realised it's HIGH time i catch a movie and vicariously bask myself, in love. hahhaha, sorry.

feeeling random lah.

sabbatical... where and when are you?

just on sunday, i went to laine mei's 21st. caught up miss angel doc and mun mei after having not seen them for like at least a year plus. glad to know they're still looking and doing good hah! anw... was talking to mun mei, then we were comparing work life and school life. and i told her candidly, "you know, i actually have an urge to start school like immediately" then she told me that it's very natural for me to think so and then when i'm in school, i will then look forward to work life.

so ironic, isn't it? i'm just the kind of person that will contend with status quo unless status quo can really keep me satisfied and moving. but so far, i haven't found that source to ignite the volcano with me. so till then, i'm still pretty... dormant? so to speak.

actually, i'm feeling quite sian diao. despite the completion of CH, we still have accounts unsettled and most importantly, no liquid cash to settle payments. and there's this lazy prick that suggests "helpful" solutions and even is more "helpful" by shuffing spreadsheets for me to churn the data out for him by lifting his heavy fingers to do some clicking and typing. like what the feng right? lol, the amusing thing was that i was still quite impressed by him, in fact. the way he presented himself and his ideas, the contacts he had and his extensive involvements etc. but it didn't take too long for me to realise it's nothing more than a farce. duhh... of course when my plate is getting fuller without me leaving my buffet table.

lesson learnt: don't pass premature judgements, good or bad, no matter how telling the appearances can be at first sight. time is the most telling, isn't it.

naive benjamin, is finally growing up.

settle and henceforth...

i haven't been here for quite a while and but i'm pleasantly surprised by the new tags on the tag board. thanks for them =)

well, life recently has been hectic that's as usual (i realised i use this adjective ever so often)... but it seems that i'm really flushed and inundated with emotions, desires and adrenaline. having two keynote commitments off my shoulder and soon to be a third one (my intern which i have already tendered for), i really have much to settle and recollect, in a retrospective and introspective manner.

and what logical ways to continue my entry than by sharing the two commitments that were polished off my plate. yesterday (07 March 2008) marked the culmination of my involvement in Project Creative Home after 8 grueling months since July'07! Looking back, there were indeed many highs and lows. as to which were more frequent than which, I can't really put my finger down on either as yet. numerous meetings, bunking in at my event site @ scape's red bus, interacting with my fellow comm members and volunteers and participants, the numerous accounts spreadsheets i've generated, letters drafted for sponsorships and adoptions and many others - all will stay dearly close to me and my hard disk. my 'creative home' folder is a whooping 293mb.

and during yesterday night's grand finale, it was really a relief for us in the comm. finally it puts an end to receiving 20-30+ email from our creative home email daily (during the peak periods) and event management. but for me, i'm still down with 4 reports to do and only when i'm over and done with them can I put a nice big fat black full stop to Creative Home. but in the interim, i'm contented that the events proper have all been concluded. we've indeed moved a long way since conceptualisation and it's amazing how Creative Home has become some sort of a family for me and many others.

undoubtedly, i would really cherish the creative home experience even though i gong gong took up a lot of extra saikang. this is because creative home was my springboard towards my current involvement and really opened my doors. it landed me in YAH and my CYAPL and then my current position. in terms of personal development, i've really learnt much and gained some finesse in micro managing people especially working with my volunteers to meet tight deadlines. that's definitely something which i have NOT learnt in NS. moving forward, i will continue to scale up and progress to managing on a macro level, steering teams and pushing for and with well-intended initiatives. after all, i've been living with that inertia for 20 years too many already. too many, at least by my definitions.

another commitment that swallowed a HUGE chunk of my "time pie" was a recent entrepreneurship program i attended. i would say the takeaway from this 3 full day programs is also likewise immense. but with a Japanese tesuto tomorrow morning, i'll just cut to chase though you would have realised i haven't really done so, if you are reading to this paragraph thus far.

in a nutshell, i've acquired some hard skills and polished my soft skills and the ideal training grounds for me to hone them. so what lies ahead is to just leap before looking. a leap of courage, a leap of faith and a leap of change.

and also i'm very fortunate in my team - Go-Getters. this team of mine is real diverse, from existing entrepreneurs with their own startups [richard, siva] (having turnovers of 15mil pa) to a 2nd gen engineer [bryan] in a family business to a financial services consultant [bernice] to a teacher [mavis] and to one of my better friends, an accountant [eva] whom i'm always chatting with on msn.

but they have been really supportive and affirmative of me. as a team, we have bagged the winners for best presentation, sales, flyer and 2nd best booth for a biz opp. fair that we've ran today. of which, i played the main role for clinching the first 3 assignments (: and the cool thing was we played with real cash - $200 to $300 sgd as the game loot. and we were so wee bit close to clinching the top prize for the last assignment as the 1st runner-up, so close to winning 7.2k as a team. still, i'm more than heartened.

more importantly, i've really forged strong friendships with these bunch of people which I normally wouldn't have the opportunity to. of course initially, it would be expected for others to size (not literally) you up. but in scaling the steep curve to change their perceived value of you for the better has allowed me to grow. thanks really... for fetching me home, the white wine and the robert kiyosaki cds and materials.

now with so many takeaways, i'll take a short sabbatical to really recollect. henceforth, it's north bound at full speed!

がんばりましょう!

living on the fringes.

when we get too accustomed to an environment and our learning curves plateau. the only recourse - to depart from it and bash through new grounds. well, many people may have many different opinions of my tendering of resignation for my internship. but i will still remain steadfast to these convictions of mine for i will no longer contend with stagnation. and it does make me feel heartened that my boss is supportive of my decision and told me where my strengths lie and that he was impressed by me when he first met me.

well in a nutshell, i just want to live my life feeling fired up and driven.

even if it warrants me to live on the fringes.

because only there and then, i'm really... living.

An inDELlible DELhi experience

This entry came late but I'll still try to keep it a short one nonetheless because time (and age)'s catching up on me! Back from the exotic India for three days and the unimaginable times we had there is still lingering. And it doesn't help that I had to report back to work on the following day. Well, seems like you can't have the cake and eat it.

Anyway back to my workshop proper, if you guys haven't already know, it's the regional training workshop for the Commonwealth Youth Ambassadors for Positive Living (CYAPL) - haha, I hear booos and jeering. And like I mentioned in my valedictory speech, I wasn't exactly feeling completely upbeat but rather it's more of ambivalence. Was looking forward to it because it would be my first exchange but at the same time, I didn't know my Singapore counterpart (Jingyi) before the trip. And it doesn't help that from my Cambodia experience, it was a personal revelation for the fact I thought I was the kinda person that needed lots of personal time. Barring that, I'll retract into my recluse and start emo-ing.

But it turned out all the mumbo jumbo bull was nothing more than a demoralising self-fulfilling prophecy. I had so much fun with my new found friends (and wife! =X). That I'll talk about just in a while.

Back to the workshop proper, it was really an overwhelmingly fruitful and inspiring experience. We had country presentations, discussions, debates, field trips, excursions and what not. More importantly, I saw the passion burning in the eyes of the many other representatives from the 6 other Commonwealth countries (India, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, Maldives, Malaysia, Brunei). Learnt much about the technical aspects of HIV/AIDS, the implications, stigma & discrimination and advocacy methodologies. Really hope I would be able to put what I've learnt into practice.

Lots of them are working with the ministries and NGOs in their own capacities. But nonetheless, towards a common goal. And somehow it made me think of the local volunteering scene. Perhaps, our standard of living does not warrant people like them to really work their arses for our people at the ground level. And I did feel very minute when I listened to their sharing and experiences. But perhaps because of this, I'm like fueled once again in my volunteering pursuits.

Visiting a local NGO where they were seeking to contain the spread of HIV/AIDS in the local community where there are Intravenous Drug Users (IDU). The scene of some addicts injecting themselves with drugs was just chilling and heart wrenching. It was as if I wanted to go forward to stop them yet for all I know, I could be stabbed with the needles. It's like they're mired in this downward spiral and the odds are so against them for recovery. This thought of mine was all the more reinforced when a resource person from WHO proposed that drugs should be administered to the IDU coupled with proper education as a solution. True enough, but how long and much can we help them? And it made me realised that egalitarianism has no place in the few third world countries I've been in recent years.

One moment I see Audis and Hondas cruising past me in the taxi with Indians reading the papers idyllically. Then in the next, a frail looking young boy carrying a baby was knocking on my door for money. But of course, if these poor people do not have the access to those fundamental needs, how can they possibly uplift themselves from the pit. And yet again - the rich gets richer while the poor gets poorer. Passe perhaps.

Last but not least, I've made several new friends from a strategic regional alliance between Singapore, Brunei and Maldives. These people are a bundle of joy to be with and we all thought the experience wouldn't complete less any of us.