hodgepodge of muses.

today wasn't a real pleasant one for me. i got wronged for something i shouldn't be faulted for and i had to take the rap lest there would have been worse repurcussions. fortunately or rightfully, i didnt received any punishments in form of extras or anything. but i believe it's alright, tomorrow shall be a better day :) shall always take heed of what i learnt from qianhua jie jie i.e. to face the worse with the best feelings.

that aside, my life has gotten a tad more fufilling. jap classes started last sunday and i'm glad i had started all over from elementary 1 because my 1.5 year of jap basics barely allowed me to get through the first lesson. seemingly, my class profile is also rather cosmopolitan in the sense that we have malaysians, indonesians and singaporeans studying jap. apparently, my bunkmates have said that i'm hardworking and really into the process of self enrichment and they seem inspired too. good thing eh, i'm a positive externality!

speaking about economics, i borrowed two books yesterday. one's freakonomics while another is about hard hitter selling. i believe these two genres in general are really intriguing and appealing to me. freakonomics has been a good book so far as the author, steve levitt, deciphers certain myths from an economic point of view and using economics as a social science to investigate certain conventional wisdom. and did you actually realise that 'the apprentice' season premiere commenced on sunday night too. impressive credentials (harvard biz sch, young entrepreneurs, attorney and what not) were but ubiquitous in the show. but what really wowed me was that they were vocal, confident and had this air of professionalism and 'zai-ness' around them, especially when they were hawking memberships as part of the first round competition to consumers. sales and retails, remain as one of the field i'm passionate in. i believe it's a challenging one as you have to take into account many factors e.g. product knowledge, body language, communication competency etc. so that your consumers will be bought into buying your product! and my second book does shed some light on it. haha, but i hope it wont be yet another leisure read and may i pick up another thing or two.

something that left me thinking occured yesterday while i was leaving from my grandma's house after visiting her. an old folk was pushing his cycle while the front basket was filled by items like screwdrivers, pot and a saw. he gave me a meek smile while i tried to give way to him along the narrow path. he then tried to mount on the bike but lost his balance in the process and fell sideways. fortunately, it wasn't really a bad fall. but it dawned upon me that as one gets older, one becomes more vulnerable and precarious to accidents. what if this old folk (touch wood) had a bad fall into the drain and no one noticed? i shudder at that thought and the very sight. in fact, all the while i always have this sort of emotional attachment towards the elderly. be it during dramas or in reality, they always display this sort of vulnerability and the desire to be taken care by someone but it doesn't really happen. and when it really doesn't happen and something bad happens to them, there's always this feeling of 'xin suan' or rather your heart feels for this old folk and that you feel you should do a little something for him or her. yet all the more, i (we) often negelect my(our) own folks and take their presence for granted.

轻轻的亲亲
紧紧闭著眼睛
是你不是你说不定
还不一定.

stalled life no more.

it's been some time since i last updated my blog. of late, blogging or rather writing in general has taken a toll on me. in camp, i'm inundated with tons of documentation to be re-written and re-forged. and it doesnt just ends there. everytime changes are made, my friends and i have to repeat the whole process again. just hope to get things done and over with.

yesterday, i went to delfi orchard to sign up for my elementary 1 japanese course. i'm so motivated to master japanese and attain my qualifications. also, i was informed by joe from ReachFSC that the dates for the ocip has been finalised. it's from the 4/12 to 14/12 at philipines, cebu! i have no idea what will be in store for me over at cebu, but i'll be certain i'll go there with an open heart to look, learn and empathise. afterall, what can beat being there and understanding the situation in first hand? not the excerpts from those that went before nor the documentaries on television. more importantly, i hope to gain a new direction in life, to be more aware of what i want and what i have.

a-k-e-e-l-a-h

finally the three gruelling days of range is gone. missed my marksman and 200 bucks bleah.

day shoot - 8/16
night shoot 10/12

4 short!

anyway, i watched akeelah and the bee on wednesday. really liked that show alot for it's really inspiring and it makes you learn.

taken from the movie,


"Our Deepest Fear" by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate -
our deepest fear is that
we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be
brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'

Actually, who are you not to be?

of tears with a bitter aftertaste

my first aunt passed away last week and just yesterday i was at the columbarium at guang ming shan with my family and immediate relatives. in fact, i was also there to be part of the chantings for the dead on saturday night. to be frank, i am not very closed to this first aunt of mine. but this incident made me realised my usual rather fragmented extended family (meaning my aunts, uncles and cousins) arent that distant afterall. i didnt really cry and my elder sister always say i can always maintain my composure or put it in a crude way - i'm callous. but that aside, i witness the softer side of my relatives that attended the wake.

i guess my grandma was the most affected one. imagining sending your own daughter off or rather what the chinese say "bai fa ren song hei fa ren" it's not frequent that you see one's eyes red swollen and teary but it kinda hurts my heart to see such a scene too. fortunately my grandpa who's in an old folks' home isnt informed as he's suffering from mild dementia. maybe it proves the adage - ignore is bliss, is true afterall.

when the floodgates break open, tears just keep pouring.

People Rest I Do Extra

i was shaken by my sergeant's answer to my question, "why do you want to apply for SOF" - "because there's no pride here" it made me questioned myself, is pride accorded by the environment one is in or manifested in your own actions and beliefs. gradually, i believed the latter is just a self-fufilling prophecy because i'm losing much of what's in question - pride, afterall.

=/

will you love me in the morning?
forever and ever.

insensitive me.

i just committed something very insensitive, though it wasnt on purpose. today's bookout day on usual and i was on my way back home to bishan. an army friend that lives in bishan too was feeling hungry like me. so we went to macdonalds and had our meal as per normal.

then i popped a question (in chinese), "how come you eat out, no one's cooking at home" he replied " who's there to cook for me". i said "your mum? she's working ah?" he told me "she's already in heaven, how to cook" then i sort of changed the topic. in the midst of eating, i sneaked a peek at him and saw his eyes were red and watery. i realised i just released the floodgates to his memories. sometimes insensitivity can really hurt, and i realised im guilty of that this time.

when i went home expecting home cooked dinner by mum, i realised she's working. fridays are normal off days but because of her annual golf sales, she's not taking any off days as a sales supervisor. no off days for the whole of a month and she's practically working 5 1/2 days. i feel it's so absurd to do so but she's plain stubborn. it's like she's reaching her threshold but she just doesnt relent.

i read a movie review on the movie "click" a few days ago. the lesson they reviewer said viewers ought to take home should be not to take things around you for granted.

how true is that... for negligence can only result in pain.

doodles.

i just watched tokyo drift with quek and ys at tpy and it bears resemblance to initial d lah. but nevertheless, it's those kinda movies you get a kick from the action and that adrenaline rush from the dolby surround sound systems hahaha. after that, we went to eat mango ice and chit chat. and yet after that, we went to lorong 8 to have supper. apparently, i know two of ys's church friends. one was my jc classmate and another is my army senior, it's freaky how intertwined our lives can be... but gladly in a positive way!

this week passed seemingly peacefully or rather, i'd say it's yet another week in the army. except that i picked lots and unforunately became a toolbox i/c. what luck hor. also, the ICTs came in for their reservice and my friend and i were like teaching/refreshing them on our daily checks. and my flight oc was talking to me and my friends over lunch. he's quite a nice and warm superior considering his background - a scholar who got his bachelors at edinburgh and masters at yales in econs. in fact, he was asking if we were interested in going on an overseas exercise in thailand for the whole of january next year. a remuneration of 750 bucks but at the same time, the whole of cny will be burnt lah. moreover, i reckon i'm not the outfield kinda guy.

had our usual flight run which was around 3-4km but i thought i could have lasted further at the pace. am feeling so motivated to run and pump! let's hope this motivation that's brewing isnt a fleeting one! :)

pedals up! gobble down!

put it simply - today's a rewarding day, both physically and emotionally.

i went dragonboating with the reach mentors and mentees today. it was whoppee great fun dragonboating and i think i prefer dragonboating to kayakking because the former really brings out the competitive streak in us. i must say i do have an innate fear i.e - public speaking. it doesnt happen when it's like for a small group of people but when everytime i'm made to say something to a large crowd, my face will get flushed and butterflies start popping out of the cocoons in my stomach. it ends up with me giving an abrupt and disorganised delivery of what i've to say. in fact, i've read a book by adam khoo recently. it's the kind of motivational books and gives you advice and tips on how to maximise your potential blah blah blah. as a matter of fact, many people are skeptical of such theories in the first place and i happen to be one of them too. however, i'll learn to overcome this fear through the old and tested formula - practice!

putting that small worry of mine aside, i'm uber glad i've got a new mentee under my care. well fortunately, i think we hit if off quite well lah. he's a nt student still in secondary school taking n levels. after chatting with him, i'm glad (yes again, sorry for my lack of vocabulary) that he's kinda driven and motivated lah. he told me that he aims to get into infocomm tech in ite then to temasek poly after getting an average of 70 in year one of ite. i had him to promise me that he'll call me whenever he needs help in his academics and i'll be tutoring him every weekend as much as possible. suddenly, i realised it's comforting to know that your little actions can touch the lives of others but in a positive way of course.

after that, i met up with the my old gang mates again. nominal roll: bunny, chris, boss, victor and hongzhou. gy's stucked in ndp with saikang and we did expressed that we missed his crap nowadays lol. ironic huh. i guess the best part of our get together was during our way to and during our steamboat dinner. i think marina bay really holds some special meaning to this group of us. our post prelims class outing, numerous gang outings and not forgetting the dare which i made to the gang to go to marina bay for steamboat after our GP BRIDGE session. and yes, everytime on the way there we'll meet the 'zhenfa huo hai xian' aunty who tries to promote her free transport cum free drink deal. and today, i acted as a sichuan tourist from china lol and hop on the van anyway. end up we didnt patronise zhenfa coz i think it's too crowded and the food so so only.

it's times like this where we get to blabber about anything and everything in our lives - past, present and future. the topics never run dry and in fact, fond memories just gushes out as if from a floodgate. laughing at the silly things we did in the past and bitching about our lives.

it's times like this when i realised im in bliss.

it's a real small world.

has anyone mention that this world is real small? so much so that it sometimes leave me wondering whether there really exist something as fate or even if that life is but a play orchestrated by i-dont-know-who. who knows one of these days, i might meet my long lost neighbour and fall head over heels for her. hahaha.

anyway, remember i had previously mentioned two of my primary schoolmates are now my bunkmates. just a few nights ago, we chatted late into night about our old primary school days. from recollecting the days when our stern yet fatherly form teacher holded us in class during recess time to updating each other on the lives of our other classmates. catching up on old times brings back fond memories especially when it's a dig at you. for e.g. something my friend, darren said. "ben loh you arh, last time always walk around like a fat boss because you were so very happy that your exam results won ben sim" however, anyway, that is really so untrue of me. then came a barrage of digs and sarcasm at each other.

but all in the name of friendship :)

sasha bears!

hey people!

okay i'll go straight to the point. im currently planning a project titled 'to "bear a cause" take a look at sashabear (collectible teddy bears!). i happened to know some people on the forum online and apparently someone has the contact to the representatives of sasha bear.

so we are coming up with a project as titled "bear a cause" now we are still in the process of forming the committee. in this project, we'll find volunteers to join us in a workshop conducted by sashabear reps then handmake our own bears with own designs and such. then we'll sell or auction them to the public and donate the earnings to some homes or organisations.

interested? if you are, drop me a sms or tag at my tagboard!

saturday

urgh.. back from late night movie with quek and ys. shagged and sun kissed (burnt) are written on my face. watched RV with them! haha it's one great movie i'll personally recommend for laughs. no movie spoilers this time. but to think of it, living on a caravan/RV vehicle can be darn cool too. like in the show, the family went to RV parks and made new accquaintances and leaving footprints and etching indelible memories of the different places they visited. definitely something i will want to experience! *gotta bring your kids to road 66!*

today, i went kayakking with reach mentors and mentees. during lunch, it was interesting to listen to two senior mentors, one 26 and another 29, share about their love lives and their take on relationships and marriage etc. lol, it's rather tickling to know that a table of guys with varied profiles (from age 13 to 29) talk about bgr and such. intriguing stuff =)

and... i found a video which captures glimpses of my life hahaha.

gas

this week is post pass out week. well, it's definitely a whole new ball game when im no more a trainee! haha.. moved to our seniors bunks and it's well-equipped, shant post it here lest i get flamed.

well today, my 3 days Basical Biological Chemical Defence Training (BBCDT) culminated with our gas chamber test at a facility near sispec. so we had to donned the whole set of equipment including the coveralls, slacks, mask and inner/outer gloves. prior to stepping into the chamber, i had this morbid feeling or rather emotional connection. i somehow could feel what the victims of the holocaust experienced. in the chamber, we did some exercises that were meant to "stretch" our gear and well... test whether our gas mask was working well. we then carried out our canister changing drill while holding our breath and keeping our eyes shut (gasp)

fortunately, i completed the drill without any hiccups. the bad thing was sweating like a piggg under the sweltering heat because of the layers of clothes. the worse thing was i breathe in a few breaths of the CS gas. the worst thing was being in the chamber actually creates a claustrophic environment. now i could really empathise.

the test ended with me taking out my mask and reading aloud my nric, rank and name to my instructor with my eyes opened. then i staggered my way through. wahhh the stinging feeling is damn intense! as if dipping your face into mala huo guo (steamboat) filled with chili padi and getting sprinkled with pepper powder. the instructors said my facial expressions were very classic and told me not to make monkey faces if not they will take a photo of me -___-

nevertheless, this is one hell of an experience in my 2 years stint before i yell 'ORD LO'

passed out

goodness gracious, i've passed out from my 3 month course today. not much noteworthy lately so i've not been blogging... oh i mean crapping lately... hor, doctor! last sunday, i went to the cc to learn more about how i could help out at the cc as well as watch a performance by smu's samba masala, their drum ensemble. quite a crowd that night, go youtube them and you'll be impressed. in fact, i was told i can plan a performance myself too, how cool. next week, im gg for a kayakking session with reach mentors and mentees. hope my kayak dont capsize and my skin wont peel.

many a time, im torn between passion driven aspirations and the need for plain realism. but more than not, my self deprecation somehow always gets the upperhand. so dont blame me for the past few angsty entries eh. im generally an easily satisfied person, so to speak.

and my appreciation for the chinese language got re-ignited when my course sgt was having difficulty reading some chinese poems on zaobao and he asked around for help, but not from me. haha, i not from cheena high so cheena not as good as them mah haha. that aside, i came across something interesting from another blog...

烟花

等了很久
烟花 还是没看到

有人说
烟花 是要他人放给你看的

他也说
我一直没等到 因为我是放烟花的人

我不要
我不要

我只要看 烟花
我不要放

可以不可以 放一场
让我享受一下
让我沉浸一下

可能 太期待
烟花 就美不起来

或许 烟花的绮丽
只在于等待

haha, are beautiful things made shortlived? maybe.

not convinced? ask my hips then.

why? coz my hips don't lie.

it's over

finally, summary exercise a.k.a summex is over! and by next week, i would have passed out from my course! (whooopppeee) glad to bid goodbye to those horrible tasting combat rations (which they have the audacity to mention that the palatability will be preserved by date... is there even any to start with!), the painful stinging heat rashes and my soaked and wrinkled feet. in retrospect, the summex wasnt that bad afterall it was quite bearable in fact lest the heat rashes that brought waves of pain coz of the extreme weather changes.

i also learnt a new lesson. that inter personal relations is a very delicate issue to grapple with. some of my fellow coursemates and i have came to a common consensus that our superiors do indeed favour some people i.e. bias. not that im green about that or that some of them do pander or not towards superiors, i feel that when it comes to inter personal relations, i still have much to learn. as of now, im not the type of surbodinate (in army) that superiors will especially take note of. in fact upon entering the army, i have toned down very much. kinda drawn further into my comfort zone which is unhealthy i admit. i'll have to learn to open up one way or another.

but at the end of the day, i certainly aint a sucker for companionship. period.

thoughts.

this week passed by rather fine, as usual... not with any major hiccups or surprises. finally, next field is my first and final outfield deployment exercise for my course. gonna last around 4 days 3 nites. not that i've never stepped outfield before, but having "nua-ed" in camp for the past 10 weeks will require myself some adjustment to for the upcoming week in the jungle feeding mosquitoes.

i finally read "Tuesdays with Morrie". it was a very nice and light read like five people and it's written in the similar way with interchanges of the past and present. but it's more thought provoking. so much so that i kinda lost sleep yesterday night. after reading the book, i was somehow compelled to question myself if i am going to end up living like mitch - a high paying journalist then with a fat paycheck that came with sleepless nights at his office desk, drowning himself with caffeine. materially fufilled and complete albeit disillusioned and driven by wealth as dictated by the existent socio-culutral mores.

it's very much like what the book shared about the difficulty in striking the balance - "the tension of the opposites". it's as if a mental struggle... the rational and practical me is telling me i have to get a degree, a job, financial independence and so on. besides, living in my self enclosed ivory tower of idealism does not equate to survival in a pragmatic society. the idealistic me tells me i should attempt things i never dared to and always wanted to. what that encompasses, im still on my way in my journey of discovery called "life". when i have consolidated that checklist, perhaps i might just dump everything aside and pursue them. meanwhile, i can only grapple with what life throws me and tackle every ordeal that comes my way a step at a time. giant leaps i may not be apt at but i'll thrive with every baby step i take.

come next week, i'll be meeting wenqian for farewell lunch. this buddy of mine i've made since my scouting days is going to uk's imperial college to study chemical engineering. how cool. it'll certainly be long before i'll meet him again.

goodbye to you my trusted friend. take care.

over the hedge

rj! hammy! verne!

realised it's so much easier to bring out that smile when i was younger.

happening

today was a happening day indeed. just got home from bishan cc and i'll be off to meet quek and tys for midnight activities lol. so it seems that this world is really a small one or that the people i meet are often accquainted with me in one way or another. take my current course for example, 2 of them were my long lost primary school classmates for 2 years then. imagine meeting them 6 years later and becoming buddies again. and just now one of the other winner is actually hao ge's junior from bp now at hc - alison. hahaha, i find it weird also. cck people join bishan east cc competition then come all the way here lol.

in the early morning, i went to an interview for volunteering. turned out the programme is actually quite an interesting one. besides the usual volunteering which involves youth conselling, mentoring and tutoring, the volunteers get to learn some new skills like kayakking and there's even an overseas cip trip at the end of the year. im kinda interested and if i successfully complete the course i can clear several components for my nyaa gold. hmm but only thing im afraid is i cant commit because of duties after i pass out. guess i can only think about that when it really comes.

after that, i went to donate blood. had an interesting talk with the staff over there coz now they give out the 'squeezing ball' based on seasons. she told me during cny period, the 'squeezing ball' was a mandarin orange. and i got one soccer ball because the world cup fever has apparently strucked the bloodbank too hahaha. as i was leaving the place, got one old indian woman that donated blood suddenly fainted lah. then the situation was so hectic, lucky the doctor propped up her a stretcher and i think she should be doing fine. went to marina sq to walk walk then eat carl's jr. damn ex. but damn full also. first time a junk foodie like me will surrender when facing fast food. then visited my grandma after that.

evening was the ceremony at the cc with the mass parent's day held in tandem. so the event was kinda senior citizen oriented lah because alot of elderly people took part. but it was fairly entertaining i must say. got song performance, dance performance and even fashion show. most imptly got to know the others that joined the comp too and the organising comm. people. and i talked much with this senior frm ntu lah. she's already a 3rd yr civil engineering student and she was sharing with me how much a struggle it was for her in ntu. all because she hates physics and she didnt make it to biz then. haha a fellow anti physics comrade. actually im anti science. talked from ntu env to hall life to a lvl econs to overseas exchange. it'll definitely be an exciting life after ord!

and a meaningful one before ord. i hope. =)

high arh!

whew, another week has passed. this week's especially noteworthy for me, how was it for you anyway? actually i was "arrowed" to be the course i/c for this week. this week's supposed to be the deployment week and it's meant to be a hectic one but because the equipments required werent available, it ended out to be quite a light one heh.

first talk about my experience of being i/c in my new camp. i think being i/c in bmt was still much slacker though i had to take care of 50 ppl instead of only 20 now. over here at lim chu kang camp the worst thing i experienced takes place in the morning. generally all of my coursemates are light sleepers but there are 4 heavenly kings that really can sleep. even when i switch on all the lights, they'll still shut themsleves out of reality under their blankets and pillow. so i've to like give them a gentle tap and remind them in a gentle tone 'sir, it's time to wake up for our morning run and breakfast' yeah seems like i have the makings of a servant, a very dedicated one so to speak.

i received a call from family on monday that i actually won the first prize of an essay competition. f.y.i this was actually a competition i joined out of fun last december on 'how to improve your CC so that more youth can be attracted to it' apparently, the notification date for the winners was in march. so i waited and waited and sent them 2 letters to enquire about the progress. for once, i thought it's like the scholarships applications i've sent despite my mediocre results - 'yi qu bu hui tou' hey hey, then came the results out of the blue. tmr's the prize presentation ceremony followed by a dinner with mr. wong kan seng, org. comm and other winners. and they described it as an excellent socialising platform, bleahs a brain-dead nsf does need some socialising. besides, what i get to use is lush greenery, greenery lush, lush lush, greenery greenery. also scheduled tmr is an interview i gotta attend for being a volunteer tutor at some family and youth centre. it'll be a hectic day tmr.

then comes mid week on wednesday where we had our night's out. so i went to lot1 with my fellow coursmates and did the usual things like makan, shop around, play arcade. then i broke off from the main group of arnd 10 to join another 3 friends. lol suddenly one of them said he felt like drinking beer. so the four of us bought a can of heneiken each and drank outside lot1 7-11. the beer was cold and bitter and we stood outside and talked crap for around 15mins. the feeling's something i've never experienced before. it's one of the times that i really felt so light and freed of any baggage. and we actually carried out a stupid mission hahha... maybe cause of the drink, we were kinda high while walking on the long stretch of road under the gentle moonlight. we even started acting as if we were drunk in front of the other guys. this is really what i call chilling out!

last but not least, i've learnt some lit from my commanders. here it goes...

where art thou...
here i am you fat cow. (then follows some hokkien language that i couldnt catch hahah)

youtube

a touching mv. (might take a while to load though, best let it load once through then play again if not jerky. )