a-k-e-e-l-a-h

finally the three gruelling days of range is gone. missed my marksman and 200 bucks bleah.

day shoot - 8/16
night shoot 10/12

4 short!

anyway, i watched akeelah and the bee on wednesday. really liked that show alot for it's really inspiring and it makes you learn.

taken from the movie,


"Our Deepest Fear" by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate -
our deepest fear is that
we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be
brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'

Actually, who are you not to be?

of tears with a bitter aftertaste

my first aunt passed away last week and just yesterday i was at the columbarium at guang ming shan with my family and immediate relatives. in fact, i was also there to be part of the chantings for the dead on saturday night. to be frank, i am not very closed to this first aunt of mine. but this incident made me realised my usual rather fragmented extended family (meaning my aunts, uncles and cousins) arent that distant afterall. i didnt really cry and my elder sister always say i can always maintain my composure or put it in a crude way - i'm callous. but that aside, i witness the softer side of my relatives that attended the wake.

i guess my grandma was the most affected one. imagining sending your own daughter off or rather what the chinese say "bai fa ren song hei fa ren" it's not frequent that you see one's eyes red swollen and teary but it kinda hurts my heart to see such a scene too. fortunately my grandpa who's in an old folks' home isnt informed as he's suffering from mild dementia. maybe it proves the adage - ignore is bliss, is true afterall.

when the floodgates break open, tears just keep pouring.

People Rest I Do Extra

i was shaken by my sergeant's answer to my question, "why do you want to apply for SOF" - "because there's no pride here" it made me questioned myself, is pride accorded by the environment one is in or manifested in your own actions and beliefs. gradually, i believed the latter is just a self-fufilling prophecy because i'm losing much of what's in question - pride, afterall.

=/

will you love me in the morning?
forever and ever.

insensitive me.

i just committed something very insensitive, though it wasnt on purpose. today's bookout day on usual and i was on my way back home to bishan. an army friend that lives in bishan too was feeling hungry like me. so we went to macdonalds and had our meal as per normal.

then i popped a question (in chinese), "how come you eat out, no one's cooking at home" he replied " who's there to cook for me". i said "your mum? she's working ah?" he told me "she's already in heaven, how to cook" then i sort of changed the topic. in the midst of eating, i sneaked a peek at him and saw his eyes were red and watery. i realised i just released the floodgates to his memories. sometimes insensitivity can really hurt, and i realised im guilty of that this time.

when i went home expecting home cooked dinner by mum, i realised she's working. fridays are normal off days but because of her annual golf sales, she's not taking any off days as a sales supervisor. no off days for the whole of a month and she's practically working 5 1/2 days. i feel it's so absurd to do so but she's plain stubborn. it's like she's reaching her threshold but she just doesnt relent.

i read a movie review on the movie "click" a few days ago. the lesson they reviewer said viewers ought to take home should be not to take things around you for granted.

how true is that... for negligence can only result in pain.

doodles.

i just watched tokyo drift with quek and ys at tpy and it bears resemblance to initial d lah. but nevertheless, it's those kinda movies you get a kick from the action and that adrenaline rush from the dolby surround sound systems hahaha. after that, we went to eat mango ice and chit chat. and yet after that, we went to lorong 8 to have supper. apparently, i know two of ys's church friends. one was my jc classmate and another is my army senior, it's freaky how intertwined our lives can be... but gladly in a positive way!

this week passed seemingly peacefully or rather, i'd say it's yet another week in the army. except that i picked lots and unforunately became a toolbox i/c. what luck hor. also, the ICTs came in for their reservice and my friend and i were like teaching/refreshing them on our daily checks. and my flight oc was talking to me and my friends over lunch. he's quite a nice and warm superior considering his background - a scholar who got his bachelors at edinburgh and masters at yales in econs. in fact, he was asking if we were interested in going on an overseas exercise in thailand for the whole of january next year. a remuneration of 750 bucks but at the same time, the whole of cny will be burnt lah. moreover, i reckon i'm not the outfield kinda guy.

had our usual flight run which was around 3-4km but i thought i could have lasted further at the pace. am feeling so motivated to run and pump! let's hope this motivation that's brewing isnt a fleeting one! :)

pedals up! gobble down!

put it simply - today's a rewarding day, both physically and emotionally.

i went dragonboating with the reach mentors and mentees today. it was whoppee great fun dragonboating and i think i prefer dragonboating to kayakking because the former really brings out the competitive streak in us. i must say i do have an innate fear i.e - public speaking. it doesnt happen when it's like for a small group of people but when everytime i'm made to say something to a large crowd, my face will get flushed and butterflies start popping out of the cocoons in my stomach. it ends up with me giving an abrupt and disorganised delivery of what i've to say. in fact, i've read a book by adam khoo recently. it's the kind of motivational books and gives you advice and tips on how to maximise your potential blah blah blah. as a matter of fact, many people are skeptical of such theories in the first place and i happen to be one of them too. however, i'll learn to overcome this fear through the old and tested formula - practice!

putting that small worry of mine aside, i'm uber glad i've got a new mentee under my care. well fortunately, i think we hit if off quite well lah. he's a nt student still in secondary school taking n levels. after chatting with him, i'm glad (yes again, sorry for my lack of vocabulary) that he's kinda driven and motivated lah. he told me that he aims to get into infocomm tech in ite then to temasek poly after getting an average of 70 in year one of ite. i had him to promise me that he'll call me whenever he needs help in his academics and i'll be tutoring him every weekend as much as possible. suddenly, i realised it's comforting to know that your little actions can touch the lives of others but in a positive way of course.

after that, i met up with the my old gang mates again. nominal roll: bunny, chris, boss, victor and hongzhou. gy's stucked in ndp with saikang and we did expressed that we missed his crap nowadays lol. ironic huh. i guess the best part of our get together was during our way to and during our steamboat dinner. i think marina bay really holds some special meaning to this group of us. our post prelims class outing, numerous gang outings and not forgetting the dare which i made to the gang to go to marina bay for steamboat after our GP BRIDGE session. and yes, everytime on the way there we'll meet the 'zhenfa huo hai xian' aunty who tries to promote her free transport cum free drink deal. and today, i acted as a sichuan tourist from china lol and hop on the van anyway. end up we didnt patronise zhenfa coz i think it's too crowded and the food so so only.

it's times like this where we get to blabber about anything and everything in our lives - past, present and future. the topics never run dry and in fact, fond memories just gushes out as if from a floodgate. laughing at the silly things we did in the past and bitching about our lives.

it's times like this when i realised im in bliss.

it's a real small world.

has anyone mention that this world is real small? so much so that it sometimes leave me wondering whether there really exist something as fate or even if that life is but a play orchestrated by i-dont-know-who. who knows one of these days, i might meet my long lost neighbour and fall head over heels for her. hahaha.

anyway, remember i had previously mentioned two of my primary schoolmates are now my bunkmates. just a few nights ago, we chatted late into night about our old primary school days. from recollecting the days when our stern yet fatherly form teacher holded us in class during recess time to updating each other on the lives of our other classmates. catching up on old times brings back fond memories especially when it's a dig at you. for e.g. something my friend, darren said. "ben loh you arh, last time always walk around like a fat boss because you were so very happy that your exam results won ben sim" however, anyway, that is really so untrue of me. then came a barrage of digs and sarcasm at each other.

but all in the name of friendship :)

sasha bears!

hey people!

okay i'll go straight to the point. im currently planning a project titled 'to "bear a cause" take a look at sashabear (collectible teddy bears!). i happened to know some people on the forum online and apparently someone has the contact to the representatives of sasha bear.

so we are coming up with a project as titled "bear a cause" now we are still in the process of forming the committee. in this project, we'll find volunteers to join us in a workshop conducted by sashabear reps then handmake our own bears with own designs and such. then we'll sell or auction them to the public and donate the earnings to some homes or organisations.

interested? if you are, drop me a sms or tag at my tagboard!

saturday

urgh.. back from late night movie with quek and ys. shagged and sun kissed (burnt) are written on my face. watched RV with them! haha it's one great movie i'll personally recommend for laughs. no movie spoilers this time. but to think of it, living on a caravan/RV vehicle can be darn cool too. like in the show, the family went to RV parks and made new accquaintances and leaving footprints and etching indelible memories of the different places they visited. definitely something i will want to experience! *gotta bring your kids to road 66!*

today, i went kayakking with reach mentors and mentees. during lunch, it was interesting to listen to two senior mentors, one 26 and another 29, share about their love lives and their take on relationships and marriage etc. lol, it's rather tickling to know that a table of guys with varied profiles (from age 13 to 29) talk about bgr and such. intriguing stuff =)

and... i found a video which captures glimpses of my life hahaha.

gas

this week is post pass out week. well, it's definitely a whole new ball game when im no more a trainee! haha.. moved to our seniors bunks and it's well-equipped, shant post it here lest i get flamed.

well today, my 3 days Basical Biological Chemical Defence Training (BBCDT) culminated with our gas chamber test at a facility near sispec. so we had to donned the whole set of equipment including the coveralls, slacks, mask and inner/outer gloves. prior to stepping into the chamber, i had this morbid feeling or rather emotional connection. i somehow could feel what the victims of the holocaust experienced. in the chamber, we did some exercises that were meant to "stretch" our gear and well... test whether our gas mask was working well. we then carried out our canister changing drill while holding our breath and keeping our eyes shut (gasp)

fortunately, i completed the drill without any hiccups. the bad thing was sweating like a piggg under the sweltering heat because of the layers of clothes. the worse thing was i breathe in a few breaths of the CS gas. the worst thing was being in the chamber actually creates a claustrophic environment. now i could really empathise.

the test ended with me taking out my mask and reading aloud my nric, rank and name to my instructor with my eyes opened. then i staggered my way through. wahhh the stinging feeling is damn intense! as if dipping your face into mala huo guo (steamboat) filled with chili padi and getting sprinkled with pepper powder. the instructors said my facial expressions were very classic and told me not to make monkey faces if not they will take a photo of me -___-

nevertheless, this is one hell of an experience in my 2 years stint before i yell 'ORD LO'

passed out

goodness gracious, i've passed out from my 3 month course today. not much noteworthy lately so i've not been blogging... oh i mean crapping lately... hor, doctor! last sunday, i went to the cc to learn more about how i could help out at the cc as well as watch a performance by smu's samba masala, their drum ensemble. quite a crowd that night, go youtube them and you'll be impressed. in fact, i was told i can plan a performance myself too, how cool. next week, im gg for a kayakking session with reach mentors and mentees. hope my kayak dont capsize and my skin wont peel.

many a time, im torn between passion driven aspirations and the need for plain realism. but more than not, my self deprecation somehow always gets the upperhand. so dont blame me for the past few angsty entries eh. im generally an easily satisfied person, so to speak.

and my appreciation for the chinese language got re-ignited when my course sgt was having difficulty reading some chinese poems on zaobao and he asked around for help, but not from me. haha, i not from cheena high so cheena not as good as them mah haha. that aside, i came across something interesting from another blog...

烟花

等了很久
烟花 还是没看到

有人说
烟花 是要他人放给你看的

他也说
我一直没等到 因为我是放烟花的人

我不要
我不要

我只要看 烟花
我不要放

可以不可以 放一场
让我享受一下
让我沉浸一下

可能 太期待
烟花 就美不起来

或许 烟花的绮丽
只在于等待

haha, are beautiful things made shortlived? maybe.

not convinced? ask my hips then.

why? coz my hips don't lie.

it's over

finally, summary exercise a.k.a summex is over! and by next week, i would have passed out from my course! (whooopppeee) glad to bid goodbye to those horrible tasting combat rations (which they have the audacity to mention that the palatability will be preserved by date... is there even any to start with!), the painful stinging heat rashes and my soaked and wrinkled feet. in retrospect, the summex wasnt that bad afterall it was quite bearable in fact lest the heat rashes that brought waves of pain coz of the extreme weather changes.

i also learnt a new lesson. that inter personal relations is a very delicate issue to grapple with. some of my fellow coursemates and i have came to a common consensus that our superiors do indeed favour some people i.e. bias. not that im green about that or that some of them do pander or not towards superiors, i feel that when it comes to inter personal relations, i still have much to learn. as of now, im not the type of surbodinate (in army) that superiors will especially take note of. in fact upon entering the army, i have toned down very much. kinda drawn further into my comfort zone which is unhealthy i admit. i'll have to learn to open up one way or another.

but at the end of the day, i certainly aint a sucker for companionship. period.

thoughts.

this week passed by rather fine, as usual... not with any major hiccups or surprises. finally, next field is my first and final outfield deployment exercise for my course. gonna last around 4 days 3 nites. not that i've never stepped outfield before, but having "nua-ed" in camp for the past 10 weeks will require myself some adjustment to for the upcoming week in the jungle feeding mosquitoes.

i finally read "Tuesdays with Morrie". it was a very nice and light read like five people and it's written in the similar way with interchanges of the past and present. but it's more thought provoking. so much so that i kinda lost sleep yesterday night. after reading the book, i was somehow compelled to question myself if i am going to end up living like mitch - a high paying journalist then with a fat paycheck that came with sleepless nights at his office desk, drowning himself with caffeine. materially fufilled and complete albeit disillusioned and driven by wealth as dictated by the existent socio-culutral mores.

it's very much like what the book shared about the difficulty in striking the balance - "the tension of the opposites". it's as if a mental struggle... the rational and practical me is telling me i have to get a degree, a job, financial independence and so on. besides, living in my self enclosed ivory tower of idealism does not equate to survival in a pragmatic society. the idealistic me tells me i should attempt things i never dared to and always wanted to. what that encompasses, im still on my way in my journey of discovery called "life". when i have consolidated that checklist, perhaps i might just dump everything aside and pursue them. meanwhile, i can only grapple with what life throws me and tackle every ordeal that comes my way a step at a time. giant leaps i may not be apt at but i'll thrive with every baby step i take.

come next week, i'll be meeting wenqian for farewell lunch. this buddy of mine i've made since my scouting days is going to uk's imperial college to study chemical engineering. how cool. it'll certainly be long before i'll meet him again.

goodbye to you my trusted friend. take care.

over the hedge

rj! hammy! verne!

realised it's so much easier to bring out that smile when i was younger.

happening

today was a happening day indeed. just got home from bishan cc and i'll be off to meet quek and tys for midnight activities lol. so it seems that this world is really a small one or that the people i meet are often accquainted with me in one way or another. take my current course for example, 2 of them were my long lost primary school classmates for 2 years then. imagine meeting them 6 years later and becoming buddies again. and just now one of the other winner is actually hao ge's junior from bp now at hc - alison. hahaha, i find it weird also. cck people join bishan east cc competition then come all the way here lol.

in the early morning, i went to an interview for volunteering. turned out the programme is actually quite an interesting one. besides the usual volunteering which involves youth conselling, mentoring and tutoring, the volunteers get to learn some new skills like kayakking and there's even an overseas cip trip at the end of the year. im kinda interested and if i successfully complete the course i can clear several components for my nyaa gold. hmm but only thing im afraid is i cant commit because of duties after i pass out. guess i can only think about that when it really comes.

after that, i went to donate blood. had an interesting talk with the staff over there coz now they give out the 'squeezing ball' based on seasons. she told me during cny period, the 'squeezing ball' was a mandarin orange. and i got one soccer ball because the world cup fever has apparently strucked the bloodbank too hahaha. as i was leaving the place, got one old indian woman that donated blood suddenly fainted lah. then the situation was so hectic, lucky the doctor propped up her a stretcher and i think she should be doing fine. went to marina sq to walk walk then eat carl's jr. damn ex. but damn full also. first time a junk foodie like me will surrender when facing fast food. then visited my grandma after that.

evening was the ceremony at the cc with the mass parent's day held in tandem. so the event was kinda senior citizen oriented lah because alot of elderly people took part. but it was fairly entertaining i must say. got song performance, dance performance and even fashion show. most imptly got to know the others that joined the comp too and the organising comm. people. and i talked much with this senior frm ntu lah. she's already a 3rd yr civil engineering student and she was sharing with me how much a struggle it was for her in ntu. all because she hates physics and she didnt make it to biz then. haha a fellow anti physics comrade. actually im anti science. talked from ntu env to hall life to a lvl econs to overseas exchange. it'll definitely be an exciting life after ord!

and a meaningful one before ord. i hope. =)

high arh!

whew, another week has passed. this week's especially noteworthy for me, how was it for you anyway? actually i was "arrowed" to be the course i/c for this week. this week's supposed to be the deployment week and it's meant to be a hectic one but because the equipments required werent available, it ended out to be quite a light one heh.

first talk about my experience of being i/c in my new camp. i think being i/c in bmt was still much slacker though i had to take care of 50 ppl instead of only 20 now. over here at lim chu kang camp the worst thing i experienced takes place in the morning. generally all of my coursemates are light sleepers but there are 4 heavenly kings that really can sleep. even when i switch on all the lights, they'll still shut themsleves out of reality under their blankets and pillow. so i've to like give them a gentle tap and remind them in a gentle tone 'sir, it's time to wake up for our morning run and breakfast' yeah seems like i have the makings of a servant, a very dedicated one so to speak.

i received a call from family on monday that i actually won the first prize of an essay competition. f.y.i this was actually a competition i joined out of fun last december on 'how to improve your CC so that more youth can be attracted to it' apparently, the notification date for the winners was in march. so i waited and waited and sent them 2 letters to enquire about the progress. for once, i thought it's like the scholarships applications i've sent despite my mediocre results - 'yi qu bu hui tou' hey hey, then came the results out of the blue. tmr's the prize presentation ceremony followed by a dinner with mr. wong kan seng, org. comm and other winners. and they described it as an excellent socialising platform, bleahs a brain-dead nsf does need some socialising. besides, what i get to use is lush greenery, greenery lush, lush lush, greenery greenery. also scheduled tmr is an interview i gotta attend for being a volunteer tutor at some family and youth centre. it'll be a hectic day tmr.

then comes mid week on wednesday where we had our night's out. so i went to lot1 with my fellow coursmates and did the usual things like makan, shop around, play arcade. then i broke off from the main group of arnd 10 to join another 3 friends. lol suddenly one of them said he felt like drinking beer. so the four of us bought a can of heneiken each and drank outside lot1 7-11. the beer was cold and bitter and we stood outside and talked crap for around 15mins. the feeling's something i've never experienced before. it's one of the times that i really felt so light and freed of any baggage. and we actually carried out a stupid mission hahha... maybe cause of the drink, we were kinda high while walking on the long stretch of road under the gentle moonlight. we even started acting as if we were drunk in front of the other guys. this is really what i call chilling out!

last but not least, i've learnt some lit from my commanders. here it goes...

where art thou...
here i am you fat cow. (then follows some hokkien language that i couldnt catch hahah)

youtube

a touching mv. (might take a while to load though, best let it load once through then play again if not jerky. )

fufilment

hahaha... no lah, im not trying to play you out! im trying to restore my reputation which has been tainted lor. my reputation of a studious and obliging college student. besides that occasional pranks i committed like sergeant muthu that scared the wits out of boss or impersonating muikoon to lure love besotted chris. yeah just to name a few. yesterday morning when i woke up, it was funny to hear ming han (bunny's bro) say "claps" as a form of retort. EHS! i should start claiming royalty for my taglines lor.

to backtrack abit, somehow i have something to share about 22/04/06. it was aj family day then and coincidentally, 2204 class birthday if anyone does remember it anyway. met laine mei on the way to mrt and we exchanged a few sms-es. haha i still rmb a year ago, we were gathered at the canteen for pizzas and that gy's little antic of koping the last slice of pizza irked so many of our class ppl lah. now, the girls are working and guys are slogging, so distant we are now. and bunny and i was talking to mr. chan on that day. in fact, we were very glad to realise that he's not only just yet another pd tutor per se but is still very much concerned about our class ppl too. so we talked outside the general office for quite some time about our future plans, how our class people are doing etc. oh yah, mr. chan said he wanted to give me a box because i got a "c" for physics lol. i dont know how i managed to do that anyway. last but not least, he said we can visit him come x'mas or cny for a gathering to catch up. well, i'll definitely be looking forward to it if it's organised.

speaking of my future plans. im accepted into ntu (acc) and nus (biz wif acc spec) but smu appln is still pending. i think most prob they have rejected me coz i wasnt very convincing during the interview when i was questioned on why i chose accountancy. frankly, im more inclined towards choosing smu becoz firstly i dont really wanna live away from family. it will be so for ntu/nus as i'll be living in hostels. secondly, i'd prefer a more spontaneous learning setting i.e. no more lectures please. but now, im thrown with yet another choice. my parents asked me to research on the cost of overseas education. as usual, i retorted and questioned if they have enough money. they told me that if they dont have enough money, i just have to study full time and work part time. they said i should venture abroad when im young and that so many youngsters have done it, there's no reason why i cant. for once, i thought my dreams of an overseas education was dashed once i received my lack lustre results from mr.chan. but now, it has re-surfaced as a viable option. as always, i'll really look forward to the exposure and experience of living and working alone, especially in another country (kinda contradicting ehs). moreover, i believe the three or four years of my life elsewhere will definitely be worth my time and effort there.

bleahs, so i really need to give some serious thought to this now.

meanwhile, i'm kinda gluing my direction in life to a word - self-fufilment. watching bunny spend his 19th birthday and age, i realise that soon i will be nineteen too and yet a little longer i will be a teen no more. life is incredibly short and time really fleets like i always say. there's so many things i want to do and achieve, if i dont do it now or soon, i'll be facing my mid-life crisis in no time. it's now or never. hence, i will really have to live my life feeling fufilled and enriched.

and i hope you will too.

late night entry

apparently i typed an entry yesterday night (friday), but my computer suddenly sot and died on me. okay so now im blogging not at my own home but at someone else's. and it's none other than... bunny chan yan han. and i found evidence of his crime lah, in his msn login records. so he is the mastermind behind chanyukchuen@hotmail.com! ... becoz of this gay, i dunno for what reason became the prime suspect of the creator of this spam mail account. just because i played many pranks like muikoon@hotmail.com or impersonating sergeant muthu to scare the wits of our beloved boss, that doesnt mean i should be the black sheep of all crimes right.

EVIDENCE (MUAHAHHAHA)

dots, thanks hor. but nevertheless happy 19th birthday babe if you happen to read this. may your blessed one pop around in your life at the right time soon! =D

so... im glad miss witch and bunny are the new visitors of my blog haha. im kinda surprised actually. =)

today's morning was spent rather productively. in the morning, i was almost late for a talk on financial tips for the young at ntuc income centre. almost lost my way there and i started running when i saw the time on my phone. and as expected, it's a talk on investment linked plans. although it's yet another promotional talk, i learnt abit about equities and bonds. equities having higher returns but coupled with higher risk while bonds are the converse. also realised that there are a couple "layers" of fees that you actually pay i.e. to agents, fund managers etc. also, dr. money's there. for those that dont know him, he's the guy that gives periodic financial advice to the new paper. and apparently, the talk was conducted by the famous sudoku guy, the ceo of ntuc mr. tan kim lian. guess finance is really something that intrigues me.

in the afternoon, i met up with bunny, hz, junhan, bunny's cousin vincent and grace for lunch at crystal jade. mr birthday boy was giving his treat woo and pooled at tpy. so we pooled till arnd 5.30 then went our separate ways. weird thing is we met again at 10 for... durian -_-. bought durians but cannot find durian spot so decided to take bus to bunny's home to eat durians. but then the fields in to his house were soaked so lucky bunny's mama fetched us right home. so that's about the itinery for today, 29/04/06.

back to the entry i typed yesterday night. training at lim chu kang camp 2 is gonna get more intense. already being taken by sergeants having underwent special ops training, we thought things couldnt get worse. instead, our training sergeant, 1sg TEE told us to prepare 4 packet drinks full of sand. so come tuesday, we'll be lugging our webbing with 2 x full water bottle and 4 x sand packet for chin-up regimes and runs. gasp. soon, i'll really be booking out in pieces on friday. but i'm shure this training will be good for us in the long run. i think it's often too tempting to look at things as per status quo. we overlook what holds in the future and in the end we make regrettable and foolish decisions. will we only learn when we fall hard and lose what's precious to us?

bleahs, late night ramblings. ignore me.