as if, my life has stalled

bye bye.

2008-06-08T23:23:00.001+08:00

responsibility is...

2008-06-06T01:29:00.002+08:00

the willingness and ability to assume full source and cause for all efforts and counter-efforts in all dynamics.

relieved!

2008-06-01T01:43:00.002+08:00

i've finally completed MAS-ESS essay comp with a grand word total of 2988, just 12 words shy from the 3k max. though the deadline's supposedly 31 may and i submitted on 1jun 1.12am, i don't care hah. one of the more slipshod works! in fact, i've been procrastinating for damn long a time. so much so in the morning, i told myself just give up on it and go with Dad and Sis for lunch. but then my Dad told me not to eat and finish it someway somehow. so here i am, at least i'm relieved i didn't chuck it like what i did for budget 08.

time's been wheezing by. had TCC and now embarking on MCW. having mixed feelings - apprehension, doubt yet with that doggedness that i will work things out somehow. time will be the best witness, so lo and behold.

saw myself on tv and looking fat. that's bad so it's high time to train up since i've registered for ippt with poh and gang.

loving and living life to the fullest. way north we go!

清风著...

2008-05-14T23:10:00.001+08:00

当一个人没有了未来，他要如何去为未来奋斗呢?

let it be.

2008-04-30T00:00:00.004+08:00

too many entries,

pondered, scribed, proof read but never published.

too many ideals,

crafted, manifested, exhilarated but never realised.

please, help me to... reconcile.
(prays dearly)

i'm cracked and incomplete...

2008-04-21T00:37:00.009+08:00

Read something motivational at sgforums that i thought was worth the sharing.

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the House, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of it's own imperfection. And miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path,but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw. So I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house?

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got
to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape. Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life.

and i remembered, i read an article by corrinne may about celebrating diversity.

therefore i shall continually tell myself,

"down with homogeneity and conformity, it's now i do what i want and have to"

let's start from here.

2008-04-20T01:23:00.002+08:00

solace, release or escape?

2008-04-19T01:39:00.004+08:00

having downed about 5 mugs of beer and completed a seemingly unending application for the spring scholarship, it's a wonder i can still be here blogging.

before i go into this posting proper, i have to routinely recap on my life lest age catches up with while memory falls far back behind me. nothing really major took place this week except an interview with tnp on mon and YAH recruitment @ RP on wed and thur. recruitment was much more pleasant and bearable with the nerdy and chirpy girl a.k.a. Felicia. had a great time yakking with her over a plethora of topics at the "booth" and over lunch. but a slip of the tongue made me reveal some of my unglam past lah! (sshhh)

and to the posting proper. today was another day of work as a sales rep. i really relish the flexibility and opportunity to meet business owners and to pitch to them. but i believe the greatest takeaway is being fed with so many insights and advice from them about their entrepreneurial challenges in their respective industries. only and (perhaps, the biggest) drawback - many of my prospects haven't been 'closed' because they are unsure of the efficacy of the advertising platform i'm promoting since it hasn't been launched, as yet. * bummer *

in the evening, i met up with my secondary school scouting buddies - seng and ey. walter and nick was supposed to join us at timbre only later then, but i left early. given the fact that i haven't seen them since j1 years, it was somewhat a warm get-together nonetheless, reminiscing about the good ol' times we had in scouting.

after a simple zi char dinner, we stepped into a pub called 'Club Instinct' along purvis street. not that it had appealed to our senses or instincts, but we went there largely because of the cheap drinks as my friend was a regular there. none of the fanciful or over-the-board decor or music, instead the background music alternated between chinese and canto pop in a simplified setting.

and so we dropped our physical burdens i.e. bags and what not (but probably still laden with emotional ones) and got ourselves started with a jug of tiger. as i was savouring the bitter malt with its crisp aftertaste, i glanced around. a few guys sat in front of the bar with their only companion - alcohol.

i then returned to conversation with seng and ey. we caught up on each others' lives and occasionally seng went out for a puff or two. and ey told me seng is always the happy-go-lucky big brother that will be all ears for everyone else's problems but doesn't ever impose on or let others into his untold difficulties. perhaps with the exception of nicotine and alcohol, that are privy to or rather acquainted with his inner world.

i did attempt to "deftly" pry open the can of worms thinking that the onslaught of alcohol would come in handy, but seng just laughed it off when questioned. in the end, i succumbed to the resigned realization that maybe ignorance is bliss after all. looking at the many wearied souls around me once again, i wondered what kind of place does alcohol has in their lives and mine.

and somewhat in a contrived manner these few sentences insidiously came to my mind,

plagued with differing struggles,
congregated yet with a common resolve,
hence typifying a solace, release or escape?

then again, it could really be the tiger at work.

good night.

' teach me how to let it go'
- a random picture taken at *scape -

hugs

2008-04-11T00:16:00.002+08:00

this was what was screened during the workshop i attended yesterday. a simple gesture that's so uniting given the fact that we are growing physically distant when we are becoming increasingly connected.

so when was the last time i've met up and had a good chat with you?

overwhelmed in a day.

2008-04-10T01:27:00.005+08:00

it's been quite some time since i last blogged. took a short hiatus from blogging perhaps my life hasn't seen much of a breakthrough or major change lately. fortunately i won first runner up for 'green wall' and waiting earnestly for my n73 though japan airlines (jal) scholarship was a bummer ): but i'm hoping makiko san can be my coach for a japanese speech competition that i'm intending to join! dai jyo bu yo. sou ka.

and today i've started my sales job officially. it's been an enjoyable and challenging experience for me. went to central on a shop to shop basis, asked for contacts or pitched directly when the decision makers were around. pitched 3 times on my first day, am satisfied. hope it'll be a close, while i wait to follow up. *fingers crossed*

was really one hectic and exciting day too, to speak of. after sales for say slightly more than half of the day, went to halogen to settle accounts with junn again. in fact, i dread going to halogen for the purpose of creative home accounts. but knowing and learning from junn is an experience altogether. from stammering on the phone while speaking to her initially to periodical meetings with her to update the accounts to knowing her on a deeper level and being invited to her wedding. really learnt a lot about accounting from her, at least in the practical sense.

after that, i met this middle-aged guy who interestingly started talking with me at the B2 of some old shopping centre. his conversation went,

him: "do you work here"
me: "no, i don't. i happen to have a meeting around the area. hah, why do you ask?"
him: "my wife said this area has quite a lot of gays and one tried to hit on me."
me: *tried my best not to be skeptical about this and to suppress my raised eyebrows*

and then we parted. then i went to mac to chill out and consolidate my leads. then this guy came and i smiled. so we ended up talking for the next 20mins or so. and i got to learn that he's actually the district director of alexandra aia. then his friend came and he talked with him. and ended up i talked with his friend for another 15mins and he was sharing with me opportunities to be part of a MNC that does the sales & marketing campaigns for various industries.

and to wrap up the day, i headed to smu with kenneth (oh) for a workshop by eric feng again on 'how to become a people magnet, building a personal network you can count on' hah, it's hard to find like-minded people of my age that are interested and willing to invest money and time in themselves. and im glad he shared this lobang. thanks bro.

i wouldn't say it's totally content packed. certain things taught are readily apparently but not readily practised on a daily basis. learnt about networking, improving inter personal relations, business networking and even how to create a name for yourself in whatever line you intend to embark on. was definitely worth the price i would say.

and we ended with a "free hugs" activity, was a v sweet parting gesture. and i met so many cool people. 3 people from Walton which I happen to know of the land bank investment opportunities from Edgeworth. 1 wealth management consultant, software engineers, bank sales consultant, fengshui consultant, telemarketer and what not. also, this lady who looks amazingly young to be a lecturer for culture & comms at RP. hah, have touched base with her and hopefully will catch up next week at RP for YAH recruitment :)

most interestingly, i met this lady who's also into volunteering and social enterprise! well i've been always been passionate about the prospect of setting up a social enterprise and micro credit facility in a 3rd world country. and when she told me she and her friend are intending to set up a micro enterprise facility in myanmar, my face lit up! and it brightened up a few more watts when she was looking for partners too. hopefully, one of my dreams will take off soon.

till then, let me immerse in the excitement and dynamism of this stage of my life.

~ Carpe Diem.

* so sorry for being so narcissistic >.<"
i didn't mean to be a killer, at least not a narcissistic one to start with.

it has, once again

2008-04-05T00:50:00.002+08:00

this song has once again, found it's way to my heart.

and when silence can be deafening too.

why my own?

2008-04-04T01:34:00.002+08:00

freedom.

fly by.

2008-03-27T23:34:00.007+08:00

wells, i just returned from the night safari. it's a place i haven't been to since primary school i reckon? but i went there with jing to catch up with sharika, vimala mum and mr. kamal. just yesterday, i dropped by river view hotel to catch up with mr. mishra because he had to fly back earlier to settle other commonwealth matters.

and it's all good catching up with them! and it seemed as if it was just yesterday when we were sitting together, 3 long tables joined together with numerous indian cuisines - BUTTER CHICKEN, BUTTER NAAN!?! and just a while ago, we are back at a round table again (eating) and reminiscing about the times in delhi, a month ago.

this week was yet another week whereby i spent almost every night out.

mon: evening was spent with this emo boy. had dinner, walked from lau pa sat back to city hall mrt in the rain and then realising the times in cambodia was hell of a fun with the three troublemakers. now that one has settled down in australia, the other two just feel that the equation is incomplete.

tues: went to smu to do my "green wall" presentation. was quite a refreshing experience - apprentice boardroom style with 3 profs and 1 nokia personnel i think. three year 3, one year 1 and one year 0. *fingers crossed* i'm desperate for the phone as i need dough for taiwan BADLY. owing ah kok money for travelling and rita san for my japanese lessons fees.

wed: simple evening to catch up with my grandma :)

外面风大雨大 - 真想找个停泊的港口，一个只有我和你的避风港。

你...却在哪儿呢?

transfixed.

2008-03-24T22:13:00.003+08:00

stop and stare (and breathe)?

2008-03-14T01:46:00.006+08:00

(caution! this is gonna be a long post)

i've watched Step Up 2 today and i was just blown away. it was waaaaaaaaaayyyy coool and plain neat. oh man, i'm like "sot" by the female lead - briana evigan. i so like her feisty and devil-may-care attitude. and her smile is like etched in my mind. and there's a part she said that i particularly like -

"it's not what you've got, but what you make out of what you've got"

before i go all besotted and ga-ga with her, i'm so glad i've rushed out one of my much over-due "writing pursuits" the title sounds corny but what the heck? i'd like to think that the higher beings are rather fair (so to speak) as I've told mich. since i'm not blessed athletically, artistically, musically (or perhaps even aesthetically), i just have to capitalize on my ability to write lotsa bull. well, briana taught me that, didnt she?

and here's it, if you may be interested in reading, i managed to cap it to 300 words exactly (phew)!

I have named the Green Wall as “Breathing Drapes of Nature” mainly because it somehow represents a gentle awakening and cognizance that amidst the hustle and bustle of school life, we students do need to find time to “breathe” like how the ‘creeping vines’ are.

From a functional point of view, these vines can be likened to drapes that provide the buildings with screening shade. Together with the complementing backdrop of garden courts and roof gardens, it is indeed “a signature for SMU’s ‘Campus in the Park’”

However, I like to believe the ‘hanging creepers’ exists for reasons more significant (though subtler) than that. The fact that the ‘hanging creepers’ line the normally cold and unfeeling skyscrapers in the SMU campus in harmony, goes to show that our environment and the urbanized landscape need not be mutually exclusive.

On the contrary, it instead reminds us that we are not only stakeholders in the modernized landscape but as well as in the environmental realm. And that the ‘creeping vines’ are shading us from the sun yet enveloping the warmth from within reiterates the dependency we have, on Mother Nature. Therefore, environmental awareness should indeed be a common shared concern and not be detached from us in our rat race. If not, we may literally be “burnt out” by the sun first before the heat from the competition even gets to us.

Last but not least, it’s back to the point of ‘needing to find time to breathe’. Caught in our constant pursuits to attain and then maintain impressive GPAs, seize the coveted places for exchanges and scholarships and what not, I thought that many of us (perhaps, including myself) sadly have not much of a life or time for ourselves.

We could have forgotten how to stop and stare and breathe.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and like OMG, ed shared with me another youtube video for me to bask in the mood of love. guys and girls, you are in treat. it's like so damn sweeeeet can?

i'll finally find...

2008-03-12T09:38:00.004+08:00

this song somehow keeps tugging at my emotional chords, of late. from that saturday night i listened to ling & owie (?) at National Museum with the other 163B folks and then it has been playing almost everyday on 98.7 when im at work. guess the radio provides me with the best solace after all.

and it's all the more interesting to go to youtube and read the comments from other users on the music video, especially since this was part of the ost for the movie - serendipity.

ryry16123 (1 month ago):

The first time I heard this song, I was with a girl i liked and everytime i hear this, i think of her. If i would ask for her hand in marriage, i would play this for her. This song makes me want to cry, in a good way.

then i realised it's HIGH time i catch a movie and vicariously bask myself, in love. hahhaha, sorry.

feeeling random lah.

sabbatical... where and when are you?

2008-03-11T10:32:00.007+08:00

just on sunday, i went to laine mei's 21st. caught up miss angel doc and mun mei after having not seen them for like at least a year plus. glad to know they're still looking and doing good hah! anw... was talking to mun mei, then we were comparing work life and school life. and i told her candidly, "you know, i actually have an urge to start school like immediately" then she told me that it's very natural for me to think so and then when i'm in school, i will then look forward to work life.

so ironic, isn't it? i'm just the kind of person that will contend with status quo unless status quo can really keep me satisfied and moving. but so far, i haven't found that source to ignite the volcano with me. so till then, i'm still pretty... dormant? so to speak.

actually, i'm feeling quite sian diao. despite the completion of CH, we still have accounts unsettled and most importantly, no liquid cash to settle payments. and there's this lazy prick that suggests "helpful" solutions and even is more "helpful" by shuffing spreadsheets for me to churn the data out for him by lifting his heavy fingers to do some clicking and typing. like what the feng right? lol, the amusing thing was that i was still quite impressed by him, in fact. the way he presented himself and his ideas, the contacts he had and his extensive involvements etc. but it didn't take too long for me to realise it's nothing more than a farce. duhh... of course when my plate is getting fuller without me leaving my buffet table.

lesson learnt: don't pass premature judgements, good or bad, no matter how telling the appearances can be at first sight. time is the most telling, isn't it.

naive benjamin, is finally growing up.

settle and henceforth...

2008-03-08T22:18:00.005+08:00

i haven't been here for quite a while and but i'm pleasantly surprised by the new tags on the tag board. thanks for them =)

well, life recently has been hectic that's as usual (i realised i use this adjective ever so often)... but it seems that i'm really flushed and inundated with emotions, desires and adrenaline. having two keynote commitments off my shoulder and soon to be a third one (my intern which i have already tendered for), i really have much to settle and recollect, in a retrospective and introspective manner.

and what logical ways to continue my entry than by sharing the two commitments that were polished off my plate. yesterday (07 March 2008) marked the culmination of my involvement in Project Creative Home after 8 grueling months since July'07! Looking back, there were indeed many highs and lows. as to which were more frequent than which, I can't really put my finger down on either as yet. numerous meetings, bunking in at my event site @ scape's red bus, interacting with my fellow comm members and volunteers and participants, the numerous accounts spreadsheets i've generated, letters drafted for sponsorships and adoptions and many others - all will stay dearly close to me and my hard disk. my 'creative home' folder is a whooping 293mb.

and during yesterday night's grand finale, it was really a relief for us in the comm. finally it puts an end to receiving 20-30+ email from our creative home email daily (during the peak periods) and event management. but for me, i'm still down with 4 reports to do and only when i'm over and done with them can I put a nice big fat black full stop to Creative Home. but in the interim, i'm contented that the events proper have all been concluded. we've indeed moved a long way since conceptualisation and it's amazing how Creative Home has become some sort of a family for me and many others.

undoubtedly, i would really cherish the creative home experience even though i gong gong took up a lot of extra saikang. this is because creative home was my springboard towards my current involvement and really opened my doors. it landed me in YAH and my CYAPL and then my current position. in terms of personal development, i've really learnt much and gained some finesse in micro managing people especially working with my volunteers to meet tight deadlines. that's definitely something which i have NOT learnt in NS. moving forward, i will continue to scale up and progress to managing on a macro level, steering teams and pushing for and with well-intended initiatives. after all, i've been living with that inertia for 20 years too many already. too many, at least by my definitions.

another commitment that swallowed a HUGE chunk of my "time pie" was a recent entrepreneurship program i attended. i would say the takeaway from this 3 full day programs is also likewise immense. but with a Japanese tesuto tomorrow morning, i'll just cut to chase though you would have realised i haven't really done so, if you are reading to this paragraph thus far.

in a nutshell, i've acquired some hard skills and polished my soft skills and the ideal training grounds for me to hone them. so what lies ahead is to just leap before looking. a leap of courage, a leap of faith and a leap of change.

and also i'm very fortunate in my team - Go-Getters. this team of mine is real diverse, from existing entrepreneurs with their own startups [richard, siva] (having turnovers of 15mil pa) to a 2nd gen engineer [bryan] in a family business to a financial services consultant [bernice] to a teacher [mavis] and to one of my better friends, an accountant [eva] whom i'm always chatting with on msn.

but they have been really supportive and affirmative of me. as a team, we have bagged the winners for best presentation, sales, flyer and 2nd best booth for a biz opp. fair that we've ran today. of which, i played the main role for clinching the first 3 assignments (: and the cool thing was we played with real cash - $200 to $300 sgd as the game loot. and we were so wee bit close to clinching the top prize for the last assignment as the 1st runner-up, so close to winning 7.2k as a team. still, i'm more than heartened.

more importantly, i've really forged strong friendships with these bunch of people which I normally wouldn't have the opportunity to. of course initially, it would be expected for others to size (not literally) you up. but in scaling the steep curve to change their perceived value of you for the better has allowed me to grow. thanks really... for fetching me home, the white wine and the robert kiyosaki cds and materials.

now with so many takeaways, i'll take a short sabbatical to really recollect. henceforth, it's north bound at full speed!

がんばりましょう!

living on the fringes.

2008-02-28T22:01:00.002+08:00

when we get too accustomed to an environment and our learning curves plateau. the only recourse - to depart from it and bash through new grounds. well, many people may have many different opinions of my tendering of resignation for my internship. but i will still remain steadfast to these convictions of mine for i will no longer contend with stagnation. and it does make me feel heartened that my boss is supportive of my decision and told me where my strengths lie and that he was impressed by me when he first met me.

well in a nutshell, i just want to live my life feeling fired up and driven.

even if it warrants me to live on the fringes.

because only there and then, i'm really... living.

An inDELlible DELhi experience

2008-02-20T00:08:00.007+08:00

This entry came late but I'll still try to keep it a short one nonetheless because time (and age)'s catching up on me! Back from the exotic India for three days and the unimaginable times we had there is still lingering. And it doesn't help that I had to report back to work on the following day. Well, seems like you can't have the cake and eat it.

Anyway back to my workshop proper, if you guys haven't already know, it's the regional training workshop for the Commonwealth Youth Ambassadors for Positive Living (CYAPL) - haha, I hear booos and jeering. And like I mentioned in my valedictory speech, I wasn't exactly feeling completely upbeat but rather it's more of ambivalence. Was looking forward to it because it would be my first exchange but at the same time, I didn't know my Singapore counterpart (Jingyi) before the trip. And it doesn't help that from my Cambodia experience, it was a personal revelation for the fact I thought I was the kinda person that needed lots of personal time. Barring that, I'll retract into my recluse and start emo-ing.

But it turned out all the mumbo jumbo bull was nothing more than a demoralising self-fulfilling prophecy. I had so much fun with my new found friends (and wife! =X). That I'll talk about just in a while.

Back to the workshop proper, it was really an overwhelmingly fruitful and inspiring experience. We had country presentations, discussions, debates, field trips, excursions and what not. More importantly, I saw the passion burning in the eyes of the many other representatives from the 6 other Commonwealth countries (India, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, Maldives, Malaysia, Brunei). Learnt much about the technical aspects of HIV/AIDS, the implications, stigma & discrimination and advocacy methodologies. Really hope I would be able to put what I've learnt into practice.

Lots of them are working with the ministries and NGOs in their own capacities. But nonetheless, towards a common goal. And somehow it made me think of the local volunteering scene. Perhaps, our standard of living does not warrant people like them to really work their arses for our people at the ground level. And I did feel very minute when I listened to their sharing and experiences. But perhaps because of this, I'm like fueled once again in my volunteering pursuits.

Visiting a local NGO where they were seeking to contain the spread of HIV/AIDS in the local community where there are Intravenous Drug Users (IDU). The scene of some addicts injecting themselves with drugs was just chilling and heart wrenching. It was as if I wanted to go forward to stop them yet for all I know, I could be stabbed with the needles. It's like they're mired in this downward spiral and the odds are so against them for recovery. This thought of mine was all the more reinforced when a resource person from WHO proposed that drugs should be administered to the IDU coupled with proper education as a solution. True enough, but how long and much can we help them? And it made me realised that egalitarianism has no place in the few third world countries I've been in recent years.

One moment I see Audis and Hondas cruising past me in the taxi with Indians reading the papers idyllically. Then in the next, a frail looking young boy carrying a baby was knocking on my door for money. But of course, if these poor people do not have the access to those fundamental needs, how can they possibly uplift themselves from the pit. And yet again - the rich gets richer while the poor gets poorer. Passe perhaps.

Last but not least, I've made several new friends from a strategic regional alliance between Singapore, Brunei and Maldives. These people are a bundle of joy to be with and we all thought the experience wouldn't complete less any of us.

following my heart.

2008-02-05T00:52:00.000+08:00

just had a long msn convo with mich. she shared with me two anecdotes that were vastly different in terms of origin and time yet amazing similar in meaning. glad and thankful that she has shed some warmth on my soul that turns jaded and numbed during such emotionally trying times.

Michael Jackson - Heal The World

will let this video do the talking.
will let my heart do the guiding.

every farewell, a new beginning.

2008-02-03T23:09:00.000+08:00

I've just returned from the Footprinters' farewell dinner at Darren's house. It was a simple affair, no fuss and nothing really "emotionally heavy" took place. But as I recall my entire day, it seems that as if the divine beings (up above) has something to tell me.

So perhaps I should rewind the narration to the start of my day's programme when I brought my grandma to visit my grandpa. For the uninitiated, my grandpa's been residing in a home in Pasir Ris because of his slight dementia and inability to control his bowels. My grandma on the other hand, decides to move out to live alone at Toa Payoh. And her justifications - she isn't contributing in the household and is afraid that she'll be the cause of intra family tension. And it seems that I'll never be able to accept her "ramifications" as rightful justifications... maybe until I live until as old as her. If i do.

Anyway, bringing my grandma from Toa Payoh to Pasir Ris even by cab, is by no means a simple affair. I've to buy my grandpa's favourite hainanese chicken rice (duhh... it originated from us people) and a can of sarsi - now you know not only young kiddos have that occasional cravings. Then my sister and I have to cautiously help her to the main road and into a cab, while watching she does not hit her head while entering the cab. When we finally arrive at the home, we will be in the guest room awaiting the missy to push our grandpa in on a wheelchair. Watching him savour the mouthfuls of his favourite cuisine while seeing my grandma hold his wrinkled and weathered hands with her conspicuous teary eyes, it's more often than not heart wrenching. But staging this reunion (albeit short lived) is more than worth the effort.

Imagine a couple married for close to 70 years with 5 children and 8 grandchildren. Imagine the hardships they have went through when they lugged their baggage and were chucked in a dinghy from China to Singapore, like those in 雾锁南洋. Imagine the times of draconian oppression during occupation, like in 和平的代价. Okay.. that's enough, i think it's drama overkill now.

And then I walked around the home, looking at the elderly folks all around. They were mostly watching the television, fiddling with toy blocks or just gazing endlessly and aimlessly. And my heart really goes out to them because sometimes when old age diseases strike, what choice do they have but to age idly (gracefully). It's as if when we age, our bodily functions deteriorate and our energy level dwindles; we can do nothing but to just wait for the life invigilator to utter, "Time's Up". If that's aging for me, I'd rather opt to hand in my scripts when I'm well and happy with what I've done in the examination of life.

Just some time back, I was watching a youtube video of this older friend of mine speaking to his group of volunteers before they went to Philippines for ocip, a prep talk kind. And what he said left a deep inkling in my mind since then.

"Let time be your witness. Do you want time to wash away your history or let history attest for your time?"

Life's too short for us to just while it away. Likewise, we've got to make hay while the shines bright and warm. In about a week to go, my good ol' primary school buddy will fly all the way Down Under to further his studies. And I'm sure he will do himself, his family and friends, proud over there. This farewell for him will represent a new beginning - an exciting chapter in his life where he'll blaze new trails ahead. Myself, I'll be flying to India for my virgin youth conference cum exchange. What lies ahead I have little idea. But I guess that's immaterial compared to what lies inside myself - my ideals and ambitions although tinged with unbridled rashness at times (as described in my previous entry).

Most importantly, I have made a pact with history so that when the inevitable "Time's Up" is uttered, my alibi will be there by my side, testifying in my favour.

Have you?

Beyond - 海阔天空

reddish brown... white.

2008-01-15T16:03:00.000+08:00

I shouldn't be blogging right now in the office after a hearty lunch, but what the heck. I need to pump some blood to my brain lest i get drowsy with the downflow of blood to digest all the (sinful) food.

And you maybe thinking, what the hell is the title about. I have little inkling as to that, maybe my creative juices are not that plentiful as before. But as you can see, this is the first time I'm actually putting some effort into punctuation. Not that I'm feeling abnormal but rather, I'm feeling kind of perky today. Read on and you'll know why.

Anyway, I was walking towards Hong Lim Complex having heard of the famous Char Kway Teow which people will die to satisfy their palates with. And as I was crossing the road, I saw an old man whose back was facing me. The first thing that caught my eyes was that his long black pants was below the waist and exposing his underpants (or those traditional type of boxers old people wear). To make things worse, the second thing I saw was his hands were as if held together at his crotch from the back and jerking (damn, no pun intended). I was like thinking "What the hell?!?" And so I tried to pull off an ingenious subterfuge to know what this elderly man was actually doing along the road outside Hong Lim Park. I took a 180 degree turn to pretend to "beo" at the young lady who was just some distance down the road, behind him.

I saw his hands this time... not at his crotch as I thought, but rather his trembling hands were struggling to fasten his belt and pants that were falling. I walked a few more steps, hesistated for a while, then I walked back to ask if he needed help. Not that I'm medically informed, but I guess it should have been Parkinsons or some old age related ailments that were causing the deterioration of his movements. In any case, I pulled up his pants on both side so he could fasten his belt. Subsequently, I hailed a taxi for him and helped him in. And throughout the whole process, he was drooling uncontrollably. So much so that the taxi driver was kinda pissed. And so much so that I could feel the vulnerability and helplessness emanating from his aged and frail physique. Then I left for Hong Lim Complex for the raved rice noodle, feeling a tad heartened with my act.

And during lunch, I somehow ended up in small talk with the sugar cane aunty who was telling me about her difficulties in running a stall at Hong Lim Complex despite her sugarcane drink being famed as the most "xiang" and "tian". And then as I was polishing off the remaining bits of noodle on the plate, we ending our conversation with her advising me to be a filial son and that no one can be closer to you than your own mother. Wise words of wisdom indeed.

Also, I realised that Hong Lim/Chinatown area is actually a landscape typified by the aged. For example, I saw old uncles and aunties cycling precariously with stacks of cardboard to a central collection point for some dough. Then with every few steps I take, I see people with natural white hair. And it dawned upon me that white is a sign of fraility, acquiescence and a kind of poignance that draws me towards it so insidiously.

Then what does reddish brown signify? Compassion, idealism and ambition but with unbridled brashness at times?

You tell me then.

i'd never let you go, would i?

2008-01-10T21:32:00.000+08:00

a special friendship.

2008-01-03T03:22:00.000+08:00

when you're going to start a new internship term for the very first time in your life in 5 hours time and yet you realised you have just spent the past few hours drinking and clubbing, you will kinda be hesitant as to whether you should actually go to sleep now lest the 'snooze' function on your phone becomes your next best friend. but that's surely not the special friendship i'm talking about.

a self-confessed mild conservative (but no where near a prude), i was and never am a party animal. but i'm pretty open to drinking and partying as a form of winding out, though sometimes i seek it as a form of liberation. anyway, that's besides the whole point.

at this point of time, i really feel very glad to have my first best female platonic friend - qh. and i think our friendship has really transcended beyond that of normal friends, be it of the same or different gender. so much so that we have grown to take care and be there for one another when the need arises. she has become my image consultant, which requires not much deliberation since it was never top on my agenda list. while i've become her listening ear and nanny, to keep her in check especially when she drinks. little would i have imagine our friendship will have developed to such a stage whereby we can be reiminiscent of our past, conscious of the present and hopeful of the future. and that she would dig out my unglam track record by telling others i tried to ask her out to donate blood for a first date (quit laughing).

and this would be the kind of friendship i believe will stand the test of time and distance, especially so as she'll be travelling to the states for studies. as much as i would like to have this special friend with me in sillypore, i believe the world is really our oyster and that we should seize the opportunity when it comes or so i thought - carpe diem.

to my special friend: hope we both can learn to be more aware and accquainted with our true selves and that we can find fulfilment and happiness in whatever we undertake. indeed, our friendship will last beyond mere ocips and for the many years to come! treasure the few months ahead to catch up before we won't be seeing each other for quite some time ha.

take care and avoid feeling spaced out, every so often.

parenting - a process to nurture or a slippery slope.

2008-01-01T02:24:00.000+08:00

having touched down at 10pm on new year's eve, i wouldn't really expect myself to be blogging now and about such a weighty, i mean burdensome, issue. (i've learnt my lessons on puns after realising that there are ppl like moonkey that will take note of the finer nuances even if they come unintended)

well, this issue came to me in fact after sitting in a discussion of my cousins with my family. apparently, my cousins somehow are all residing in rather "incomplete" and "unwholesome" families, so to speak. and that apparently, we've became worried as to how and what kind of individuals they'll grow up into. that is not to say my family is an ideal and conducive one. in true fact, i do have much gripes about how i was brought up. but maybe, i like to look for solutions more than solely (thanks anonymous for your finesse in spotting my typos =p) deliberating on the cause and effect cycle in itself.

and as the debate progressed, i was interestingly changing my sides between my parents and siblings. my parents being conservative and bred by the old school kind of parenting, like to impose their old lifestyle and habits on us. on the other hand, my siblings are fond of making comparisons with their peers and fixing the apparent flaws of my family from the standards of their peers yet again. for me, i realised long ago if it's broken, fix it. but if it's broken beyond repair, it's timely to shop for a new one. seriously, what's the whole point of brooding over the past when the wisest thing to do is to pave a future that is laid with the foundation from the mistakes made in the past. and hence with my belief, it was interesting to see how the debate becomes heated and the dichotomy between the two camps.

notwithstanding, i think parenting is really a journey of life in itself. one which you start to mould and nurture a new life, one that is prone to making wrong turns at the crossroads, one that may be potentially rewarding or regretful. just looking at the news itself - the divorce rates, latchkey children, youth at risks, unwed mums and what not. and it seems to me not everyone is aware of the heavy responsibility one will undertake in bringing a new life to this world. not that i've fully grasped. but as i grow to be more aware, i've also grown to be more apprehensive of life 10, 20, 30 years down the road especially when i will take on more functions in life. will i falter in my functions or take heart that i've laid the tiny stepping stones that lead in the right direction.

or maybe, i'm thinking far too far ahead.
oyasuminasai.

a fresh awakening

2007-12-30T05:29:00.000+08:00

here i am... 0830h sydney time, 0430h singapore time. back from a morning run around my aunt's neighbourhood. i guess it's the first time i WILLINGLY woke up so early for weeks, not taking into account days for my Cambodia expedition where reveille timing of 0700 were the norm. these few days that i've spent at australia were really carefree... and cash free too (nothing beats holidays that are hosted by your relatives =))

for the large part of my time in Australia (sounds kinda long but it's only been a week ha) so far, the pace of life has really gone a notch down, vis-a-vis that of mine in Singapore. and it's summer and daylight saving here so i can indulge in literally, "daydreaming" or euphemistically speaking, "pondering over weighty life issues" or yet in a very common lingo for my Cambodia expedition - "emo-ing"=p

and when you talk about the state of "emo-ing", somehow this time for my trip in Australia, it took an interesting turn for me. previously in Cambodia I was the "emo-er", now over at Australia, one of my cousin took over the title and somehow i've become like Darren (oops, luckily he won't read this) - sort of flamboyant, boisterous and pesky =p. and it's interesting to really look at this "mirror" (although i wasn't really emo to that kinda extent) and realise how distant and withdrawn i was at times. not that it was by circumstances but rather, it was by choice that i chose to have more "me-time" and then what came to my mind was what a guy from Samaritan's Purse, David Fisher said about having multiple functions in life i.e. he was a consultant to help the needy at Cambodia, father in the UK and etc. you get the drift. so i thought i should learn to be more flexible at times and not be restricted to my narrow mental confines.

continuing from where i left off from... i'm back from sydney opera house and shopping at paddy's market. now enjoying a bottle of carlton cold beer and surfing the net. life's great when you're not lugging any baggage of any sort...

shouldn't it always be so?

khymer rouge transiting at sillypore, then to down under.

2007-12-21T22:15:00.000+08:00

i deliberately used such a long title so as to avoid the hassle of blogging multiple times. looking back on the past few weeks, especially after ORD, my life has been real hectic. like clearing and delegating everything under my portfolio for creative home then zipping to REACH for cambodia trip and catching up with friends and all... and now, i'm back at home - feeling really liberated and light (pun unintended because i definitely gained much pounds from the trip!).

and unlike my blog entry for the previous philippines trip, this entry of mine shall describe more of my self discovery and revelations rather than depicting the day to day experiences. in a nutshell, i much enjoyed this expedition. team dyanmics was much better because there was more bonding and greater diversity with less "cliquishness" and of course, there were my two buds - jc and darren on the trip. we made hell lotsa noise during the expedition and cracking our own insider jokes like "gei jia tang"

on the downside, i was supposedly one of the few that were expected to rise up and lead the team. but, i was kinda subdued and cooped up in my own mental dimension most of the times. so much so that during the appreciation night, i earned the title of Mr. Senti-Emo. act i was like telling joanne and jc... my habitual tendency to dramatise my emotions and then sink in a melancholic and melodramatic emotional rut. it's like my second nature! ironically, for people that have worked with me on an adhoc basis like Creative Home, they don't see the "emo" side of me rather the professional and deliberately blur side of me. and then i rationalise, justifiy and gather that i am the person that needs lots of "me time" the lack thereof - i'll just "drift" away. but i'm glad i got to see and know myself better. i need to and will change for i won't be contented with taking the back seat for the rest of my life, especially after 20 years of doing so. it's high time i take the reins and grasp the steering wheel, it's now or never.

fortunately on the upside yet again, i've really got to improve my relationships with several people. one of which is qianhua. we've came a long way back since philippines last year. from me harbouring a crush on her to revelation night at mt belumut and then to our catching up for the recent camodian expedition. and we concurred, the fact that nothing can work out between both of us in a platonic setting all the more will make us treasure this friendship of ours. though initially it was annoying when people were talking behind our backs but then we started to laugh it away at their attempts to complicate matters that were crystal clear and simple!

also, i will really reminisce the times we (darren, jc, me and lil ben), the project heads, had our late night meetings with aunty joanne at lucky star hotel. during those nights when we crack lame cold jokes to make fun of each other and the daidee sessions... the nights never were lonely with them ha. not forgetting mich, corinna, staff joe and doctor joe... they were the few that i could really connect to and confide in. the conversations that we shared, the advice that they dispensed with and the common experiences we all went through together. i believe they'll come surging back to me in time to come.

i've really learnt and enjoyed myself at Cambodia. let me catch up on some work (japanese test tmr, applications for youth grps and other commitments) on my transit at Singapore, en route to Down Under. then i'll return - rejuvenated with fresh perspectives, settled and upbeat emotions and a greater than ever thirst for success for my many ambitious pursuits in 2008.

c'est la vie - carpe diem!

bye bye MSC, bye bye bravo flt, bye bye 163, bye bye NS.

2007-12-06T14:07:00.000+08:00

ytd was the last day for me to be donned in all green. as it always is, time passes by so fast that you dont even realise that you have been through it already. ytd held many significant "last times" for me. though i know before long, i'll be stepping back again into lim chu kang camp 2 for reservice. but till then, i'm very much a civilian. no more of doing ridiculous things at unearthly timing e.g. no-duff activations, playing push up dai dee and watching old mediacorp dramas. aww...

i wonder if it's human nature to always detest being in the process and to so look forward to culmination. then on culmination, you realise things weren't that bad afterall in looking back. in fact, you begin to reminisce about those "awful" times you've spent together and wish you have a chance to replay the entire the process (maybe snipping off those truly nasty times). and then i realise, isn't it so much so for life, in general? hahaa... random musings, while i take a break from work at scape.

anw back to our ord celebration dinner at MSC yesterday. it was real heartwarming to see those the familiar faces once again. some you wished you had took the hpi cranking handle and then wield it towards their head - okay, im kidding. don't really have one i hate to that extent. others you know crap talk follows promptly on meeting. e.g. cpt chua.

and as msn nick speaks - it's an emotional imperative to appreciate and be appreciated. isn't that how life should be and the premise by which, it should operate with? we had good food and sharing during dinner. then shortly after, encik jaswant asked us to share the experiences we had in bravo flt, dispense advices and then comment on the management. i only touched on the first two and none of the last, perhaps i'm resigned to the way things are operated in bravo. talked about "choosing the right partners during guard duty" (- gwee, really want to see your reaction to this, but you were overseas), "being gam with the others in bravo flt" and "treasuring the friendships forged during our short stint"

now that i have ended my NS stint, what holds for me in the near future. the completion of creative home?

end it... not. :(

staying out days

2007-11-28T20:06:00.000+08:00

these few days have been real madness. even like now, i'm blogging at REACH FSC. i feel so detached (ha, how apt from my blogger nick) from my family lah. but i think after this period, i'll be completely liberated from creative home, albeit only for the time when i will be off to Cambodia and Down Under.

creative home has been a real growing experience for me... working with nice people like uncle kiong and chin who really go all out to support us in our project makes me realise that at times when i become unnecessarily edgy, it's just not worth the effort. and of course, you get to work with no so nice people. and then you learn how to take things in stride. yesterday's midnight at scape was hilarious. kumaran and i were like laughing at each other while the other 4 were discussing matters. it all happened because there's a guy called "bang" from homeclub and they were like using it interchangeably with my name. and then, it sounded freaking obscene.

to be frank, i'm kinda like numbed to the fatigue already. sleeping for 3 hours for the past two days, freezing in the red bus yesterday and then tonight i won't be able to sleep for much (like again). hopefully, the creative people dont get me to stay over for monday night too.

today's jlpt was really wonky too, like i told my friends. section 1 (vocab) - half of the questions were okay, another half was russian roulette. section 2 (listening) - i dozed off. section 3 (grammar) - apparently, the section i felt most confident of. i'm mentally prepared for the worst, but if can scrap through a pass, it's a bonus after all.

and in fact during the jlpt, i was like smiling at myself. maybe because at my helplessness and partly at my attempt to script an interesting msn nick that somehow was reflective of my emotions for these few days. haa, i know i have grown out of that phase, yah but sometimes you just have the urge to drown yourself in a melancholic mood.

cause it takes more than being straight for me to straighten out my thoughts.

a thankful evening.

2007-11-18T00:40:00.000+08:00

i'm so heartened at the way things have turned out this evening.

1) to jonathan especially for helping out with the attendance. my, i can't thank you more man. without you, i guess the whole attendance taking will be a disaster. thanks for your photographic memory in recognising the guests e.g. those from paragon. thanks for working throughout without dinner. thanks for holding the fort when i was absent.

2) to all bravo dudes that came and my ajc fac buddies. i'm so sorry if i'm a poor host but as much as i wished i could split myself, i couldn't. thanks for coming anyhow. despite promising you hot chicks and great booze - of which, neither materialised, i hope you enjoyed the performances that we've planned for the evening. sorry for the bland coke, haha next time open my own club, i'll ensure QC okay.

and maybe i'll do a run-through of my schedule too, as per usual. went with smu earlier in the day for a NS men jamboree. i think the whole jamboree is a farce man at least before the breakout session for our school talks. like girls wearing mini skirts, female dancers gyrating and what not. i do understand it's a sausage party but yah, we can do with less of the visual "distractions" or maybe as i've said, i'm like desensitised to such sights already.

at the smu talk, i had the great opportunity to talk with a 4th year smu student who was previously from 163sqn as an officer. talked with him about the challenges of even qualifying for an investment banking intern and then subsequently doing more than what was expected of an intern. frankly, he really demystify the preconceptions i had about investment banking and all. the imminent fate of landing at most in middle office, m&a, p&l, trading and derivates and all. i'd really like to be in thick of the moment. and it was wonderful that he got me started to think how i should pave my way ahead.

then at the pre launch, it was plain hectic. luckily, i stole time to ta bao some dinner with the "淑女". and not forgetting the suggestive eye signals aunt shanz was making at me when i met the gang along the way. it was nonetheless interesting talking with "淑女" about her change and all, since jc times. which leads me to wonder - why didnt i realise i needed to step out of my shell and change, like so much earlier? then i also caught up with jingwen (from sph) for like 20mins or so. imo, she's one of the nicest sponsors i've met. we chatted from zouk to journalism slants to the nuances in whole chain of pr/mar comm/a & p to even concluding that we have a common penchant for watching movies alone. she even kindly offered to help me if i had difficulties for my pr intern next year.

all in all, the creative home journey in itself has been taxing but nonetheless - rewarding (tangibly, intangibly, psychologically and emotionally). =)

late night burp supper

2007-11-16T00:33:00.001+08:00

oh my. it's been a long time since i committed such an evil and sinful act - supper at prata house near my house. and if you're expecting a sequel to my previous entry. I'm very sorry, nope. No harry potter theme song and no guest appearances and definitely no freak encounters with god forbid * volder_ _ *

i met coco tan, my good old buddy for prata at arnd 10.30. we ate some oily loads of prata (actually only 2 x gosong) and downed them with teh tarik. we then walked to the playground and just sat on the swing and talked. it's really gratifying to catch up with your friends after such a long period of absence. yup, absence makes the heart grow fonder and perhaps emptier. ha. and so the topic started with him being in Sunshine Empire (SE). as much as the natural skepticism was acting up in me, i listened to him intentfully as he rationalise his presence in SE. all in all, in a capacity of a friend, i'll still reserve my trust in him as a trusted friend and a mature adult - i'll be truly glad for him if he does make it big and money roll in (maybe some to my pocket) and also lend him my help if things do go awry.

and then with the stars and moon smiling at us, we deviated to our future plans in life. then as we were speaking about our grandiose plans and all; the feeling that we have grown and mature so much, was just so liberating and all the more, poignant. it was as if yesterday that we were at the same old playground vexing about mundane misunderstandings, complex boy girl relationships (though they still pretty much are to me) and pretty much holding a astigmatic view of matters in life. yes yes, you may break out in a cynical laughter and in a condescending manner, say "ow wow... our benjamin here is starting to be flighty and disillusioned already"

my reply to you (barring copyrights from ac),
- the best is yet to be.

=)

How are YAH

2007-11-14T13:32:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling kinda drowsy as i'm typing right now. must be the local anasthesia the missy administered on me, prior to donating blood hahahah.

anyway, i started the day with an interview with two pretty nice staff from the HPB because i wanted to join the YAH (youth advolution for health) exco. the session went on pretty fine and it lasted about an hour. will hear from them soon, i think. just hope that what i'm seeking will concur with what they need and will provide. but the entire exco team is like all from smu lah huh -.-

then shortly after the interview, i decided to donate blood at the bloodbank since i was alr in the area. went in there - all good. registration and screening was prompt, got attended to by missy in a jiffy and talked to her about my internship and apparently... her daughter -.-. dont how how she link also. then *plays harry potter background theme song* came lord volderMO. haaaha, what a place to meet him. previously, i met him at SAFRA yishun while signing up for a course. now at bloodbank.

where's next? Prata House?

2007-11-07T22:20:00.001+08:00

lingering behind my wonderwall.

2007-11-06T00:23:00.000+08:00

as i am typing this entry, i'm like half intoxicated and half wasted - eyes heavy, disoriented and somewhat conked out. what started out initially as a innocuous dinner for 8 163 SQN BRAVO personnels end up to be a chillout session at PATIO with rum coke, vodka red bull and vodka orange. like i've said, it's the "time of the month" for me when i just wallow in my emo state of mind. the blues are allllll i see mann.

LOL.

pardON MY CAPS, I CAN'T realLY SEe thE cAPS CLEARYL righT Now. anyway, it was great just chilling out with live music. maybe it's there to fill the void that's there eh. and so the BRAVO dudes went up to sing WONDERWALL and thaT YOU'RE GONNA BE THE ONE THAT SAVES ME.

AND DO YOU HAVE TO, do you HAVE TO, do yOU hAVE TO LET IT LiNGeR . . .

when 04th nov is a special day for more than one.

2007-11-04T21:45:00.000+08:00

today was a long and hectic day for me. but to sum it in one sentence: it was worth all the while. and it so started with our ch meeting on friday, as blogged about days ago. and so i thought i did something special to make someone's day. especially since the last time i did such a thing was like in jc2? yes, yes, suggestive or not. i reserve my comments (pardon my somewhat limited lexicon) . like what i told my friend, i'm a poor manager of my emtions and actions. sometimes to the extent of acting irrationally and rashly. but i think i did something positive this time.

anyway this was what i did. ytd night, i wrote some simple greetings on a card and placed an envelope in the card. then this morning i went to my friend's house and left it in her mailbox personally. and then i wrote a mysterious weblink for her, of which i created the night before. all in all, i'm glad she was overjoyed though it was after all a contrived attempt at a vicarious experience.

later on in the day, i was at the julia gabriel's festival at orchard forum to present my essay for a contest. glad that i earned some much sought after dough and vouchers. and my recent enthusiasm towards the toastmasters which was amplified by rj during the absd survey was somehow evidently much warranted for when i saw the many young children present their essays. they were like so natural public speakers and they somehow crave and enjoy the attention on stage. but i'll work towards that, i've grown from being apprehensive to speaking with minimal kinks now. let the final step be speaking to connect, educate and inspire.

also, there were several insignificant incidents that failed to be fodder for this entry. but i'll still mention them briefly with pictures...

both are just personal ego boosters or rather placeboes, for that matter. for the latter - right, i know it's a downright scam to cheat celeb-wanna-be of their hard earned money for some makeover package. but it's just plain gratifying to sometimes lie to yourself that you dont need "baby ass smooth skin or model hot bod" to be approached by some conmen.

and i'll end my entry soon if you already impatiently awaiting the end of this long tunnel.
jc asked me some intriguing and thought provoking questions.

1) why is it that people born on the same day can have so different character?
my answer: because we are different.

2) why has the batch of us (crewmen) drifted so far apart especially when we have ord or about to ord?
my answer: because we are just too different.

birthday @ creative home.

2007-11-02T22:53:00.000+08:00

today's creative home meeting was kinda different. sheila had this new hairstyle that looked made her look like a japanese doll (nin gyo, iirc). oh, and we celebrated her birthday since it was around the corner. then she carried a sesame street oscar doll and took a photo. like a doll holding a doll -.-

anyway... as far as i remember, birthday celebrations wasn't really much of a culture in boys' school (or maybe for my circle of friends lah). my days of schooling in 10 year's of boys school was brash, lackadaiscal and plain... brainless. like smearing chilli sauce on your shoe soles and leaving your victorious imprint on someone else's uniform. messing up someone's nicely gelled up "kali pok" hairstyle into mee goreng. tactically and strategically "bio-ing" at "bio-able" female teachers. ha, some of these acts have followed me on in the later parts of my life while others have been relegated to days of yore. as to which is what, i leave it to your imagination. right, now someone is acting coy.

and back to sheila's birthday celebration. me, her and crispin were like waiting for a cab opp. funan. then we were poking fun at cris in his "pursuit of happyness" (an internal joke) then somehow the topic fell on me and i was asked by sheila whether i have found the right one. maybe, she should ask whether 晴晴 has found the right one instead. lol, i was stunned like for a moment. then while she said "the most ideal kinda lover is the kinda that you were qing mei chu ma with and will marry eventually"

and then i replied, "yup, i'm also looking for her"

bitten by the love bug (again), and ouch

2007-10-30T23:15:00.000+08:00

pohly pocket poh sent me this mv even though my one hell of a jj-lin fan sister bought it from the crazy cornetto royale promotion. and yes, watching the video makes me want to fall in love (again) - again, not as in i have fallen in love and want to fall in love again but rather i have the desire to fall in love again. okay, balderdash. i still remembered vividly my classmate's msn nickname during our j2 valentine's day - " Love is in the air... But it sucks when you're not one of the pair"

how very apt. lol, nvm i believe my 晴晴 is out there waiting for me. stop seeking high and low, give me a call okay? i'll meet you straight away. no qualms.

sowing seeds.

2007-10-08T11:37:00.000+08:00

i'm so glad i'm blogging on a monday morning because this means that i've survived yet another extremely hectic week. rushing from one locality to another like a headless chicken, not having enough time for meals and stealing some snooze on the bus whenever i can. but i must say, i'm feeling rather fufilled this time.

we had our facilitators' workshop yesterday at nyc, scape. initially planned for 25 facilitators, but only around 15 turned up. but well, if you ask me, the numbers are not indicative of anything at this stage yet. to be frank, they were quite "coagulated" in their cliques and all. however after we had a sharing with Mr. Martin Tan, everyone started to open up and the slab of ice turned into a melting pot.

if you havent already know, i like reading self-help books because contrary to common belief, self-help books arent just quick fixes to problems you face... they explain the workings behind human relationships and delves deeper into what is not readily apparent to many of us. and in my usual fashion, i'll share something that i've read. there can be two ways of deriving happiness - working towards attaining a goal and helping others derive their happiness. i.e. it's the pursuit of happiness and assisting people in their pursuit that can make you happy.

with my own readings and martin's questioning during his inspirational speech, i have suddenly found a direction ahead. ask me about it and i'll tell you :) and as it is, i'm extremely excited with the propsect of growth (not in the physical sense, dudes.) in our project. i've had a girl who joined our project because she said she wanted to be a more sociable person and that she want to walk out of her shell. and i was assuring her that there will be tremendously many opportunities for her to walk out of her comfort zone.

now, i've realised there's indeed nothing more empowering and fufilling than to witness self growth and helping others grow.

leftover shotgun shells.

2007-10-03T23:48:00.000+08:00

of late, i made some rather rash and tactless decisions even though with no genuine malice intended, i was misconstrued... tension rose, relationships sour and i realise that i really need to recollect myself since i tend to become easily unsettled at times. someone told me the fact that we are already young adults and we need to understand that our actions have considerable consequences. how fearfully true. approaching quarter life crisis and i'm glad i was jolted out of my guileless playground, though in a way that brought about reprisals and much ill sentiment. what hefty tuition fees i paid to my tutor - Life.

that being said, i realised that it really takes more than compromise and accomodation for team dynamics to work out. of course being in a millitary context as conscripts, we all come in with different mindsets and live our short-lived stint with different objectives. hence, it's almost impossible to align our values and actions i.e. there are definitely more differences that exist between us than commonalities. all in all, maybe i've just grown more acquiescent and jaded. now, i just look forward to cambodia yep to find myself again and my aus vacation to pick myself up for my life ahead.

and from now till then, maybe i'll continue to look for my first love ha...

trapped in a washing machine.

2007-09-15T00:34:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling highly emotional now. and it's times of this in the month when emo monster creeps up to me, gives me a tap on my shoulder and release the floodgate for a deluge of emotions - both good and bad feeling ones. so get ready to be drowned in my monthly (though sometimes being more frequent than usual) verbal diarrhoea now.

this two weeks has been a rather mundane period of time without any significant high or low points to speak about. except the fact that i shuttled between my house and A&e twice because of tear-jerking abdominal pains. the first visit i was thankfully accompanied with my elder sis at 5+ am in the morning while the second one, i went alone not wanting to wake anyone up at the same wee hours in the morning.

and as the usual introspective albeit reticent person i am, i always treasured personal space as one of my perennial innnermost needs. i'd rather plug in my mp3 and listen to emo songs like when you're gone - avril or on the side of me - corrine may and just observe and think than find someone to accompany me wherever i go just for the sake of companionship. but the bad thing is it doesnt help when i get easily affected, emotionally... by my observations.

in fact, i was having a long talk with my project friend in CH. after listening to his experiences and description of his relations with the others in the team made me realise how distant i've become with so many of my other friends. it made feel how surface i've become in terms of relationships, favouring width instead of breadth when it comes to the pursuits in life and feeling so... detached. and i begin to question myself - are my ambitious pursuits and desire to feel happy so mutually exclusive? must i really forsake one for the other? beats me.

people around me think well (or at least what they claim) of me because of my tight schedules and ceaseless commitments. but i cant help but put up a meek and forceful front when i know the mr.-networker in the making-social worker-aspiring entrepreneur to them is just an alter ego of myself. please tell me it's the real me when the subdued one comes to life in person when you see him yah.

and you will ask me why so angsty one my blog. why arh. i also dont know leh. sometimes i rather people dont read my blog because they'll think, 'aiyo, dont read already. his emo-ism is so contagious and it makes me feel sad also' and this could be the reason why i need to put on some celebrity look alike pictures to balance the overall mood out and not that i hanker after the minute of fame! ha, lame excuse. *punches myself*

and this entry is really disorganised. so i thank you if you do bother to read till this point because i really am not in the mental state for any order whatsoever. though in less than 5 hours time, i'll be travelling back to camp for the last guard duty of my life. =)

maybe till after that, i'll be in a more conscious state of mind to realign, reaffirm and react.

nitey,
my friends.

too bored.

2007-09-10T19:03:00.000+08:00

when i've got nothing constructive enough to work on... (cool, i look like song dao cai cai zi on the 2nd one)

if you have asked.

2007-08-16T23:40:00.000+08:00

ever since i entered the service, i realised that there's no better sanctuary than home. sure there's the saucy gossiping, pseudo-jitters about earning the holy bullet and cracking lewd jokes (or rather witnessing lewd antics in full play) every now and then in my "second home" aka lck camp 2, but nothing beats the goodness of being at home - the hot water, the occasional late supper at prata stall and the sleeping in without the 6.30 am reveilles.

actually i've no idea why i am blogging lately. when asked by my camp mates, i was lost for words. is it because i have no one to turn to when i am down with a bad emotional verbal diarrhoea or i just dont have the desire to "verbalise" my thoughts. and if you realise or maybe i'm assuming, i'm more inept at speaking than writing. maybe that's because i have grown so used to the veil that i retract under when i'm facing nothing but my monitor. none of the awkward pauses, the eye contact, the body language and what not. and to this, i have grown so helpless too.

awfully so.

but as i'm blogging this angsty (if you realised, most of my entries are likewise) entry, i'm really in one of those emotionally jumbled moments. read weishan's blog and she was blogging about her inability to win the rag championship for her hall because of her perceived "incapability and lack of talent and confidence and hope" and it haunts her badly enough. the inability to match up to expectations, the rung which you can't touch no matter how hard and far you reach out for and the invisible ceiling that runs across even though you thought it only applies for the career women.

and girl... if you are reading this (but i doubt you are. we've drifted so much since jc times sadly), you're not alone in this nightmare. i'm sure we'll find our own answers one day.

i'm still reading neil humphrey's notes on singapore and although i agree with rj's thought that neil dramatises his content, i still find myself laughing and questioning and reflecting as i plod through the pages of the book. and in his illustration of singaporeans, he wrote about the obsession of the quantifiables in life.

and his writing did find his way to me again. and if people do read my blog and come to know me in reality, they'll realise what a stark difference there exists in my virtual and actual persona. my friends often ask me to live for the moment and leave the questions to tomorrow.

but the fact is i often do the reverse.
and that's perhaps the reason why i'm always squatting by the road of life while others cruise away?

friday nights - sabbaticals of another sort.

2007-08-11T00:40:00.000+08:00

here i am, blogging after a long day of well... fun and work i must say (sentosa -> kbox -> CH meeting) reaching home at timings close to midnight are slowly becoming a routine of mine as i religiously pledge my commitment to Project Creative Home. haha, i'm sounding so cult-ish and random. but as my title puts it aptly, friday nights are sabbaticals of another sort, to a ever-so-uncontented me.

and if you can pardon me for littering the phrase "project creative home" so conveniently in my previous entries, let me do a little bit of introduction but with lots of brevity (lest i fall asleep typing this entry of mine hah :p)

i'm currently in the project as a project director in charge of the accounts. basically, this project promises a tangible change to the society as we encourage youth expression through arts. and what better way to make their expression ubiquitous then to paint dustbins with social messages that they strongly want to convey to the rest of the public. from inspirational talks and technical workshops to the actual painting process to the grand finale of concert and prize presentation in a span of 5 months, we seek to involve youths in having a stake and say in the larger society. after which, 88 bins will be placed permanently along orchard road and the esplanade!

sounds succint enough? ha. tried my best to be non verbose even though i've always been in speech and writing.

and! a writeup of mine has been recently put up on the youth.sg website. do take a look here!

and perhaps why you want to ask me why involvement in CH will be a sabbatical of another sort. as i was sitting on the train along the north-south line with my project mates (miak and crispin), it's really refreshing to talk to them considering that one of them is a ntu comm studies undergrad while the other is entering the same faculty in years to come. so to speak, most of my friends i have are from science streams. and while i dont trust stereotypes that much, my "sciency" friends are those that tend to be more analytical and no-fuss whilst my project mates being "artsy" people have a natural appreciation for the philosophical side of life and tend to be more introspective and pensive.

and so we talked about arts appreciation (though, i really know nuts about it), raved about good books for long travelling on public transports like those from neil humphreys and shared about the misconception most people have about emo-ism - in particular their culture and way of life. and through my speech with them, i feel so inadequate again though in a postive sense. i realised that's so much more to life that what i think of life. and this is what makes life exciting - the vibrancy that diversity brings.

ha, i feel alive once again.
do you?

drunken on moonlight.

2007-08-04T20:23:00.000+08:00

just yesterday, i was at miss clarity's cafe for a late dinner with some of new project mates. quite like the ambience - partly because of decor and the music that was accompanying in the background. it's a great place to dine and just chill without feeling any obtrusiveness or inhibitions. but i guess most importantly, it was the company of the new friends i have made through Creative Home that made me feel this way. and as we concluded, we are a quite a "rojak" team given the diverse backgrounds and work we are involved in. but i guess we'll all work steadily towards every phase of our project for the good of the beneficary. the buildup to the finale is always tumultuous and painstaking as for everything in life. so keep holding on yah.

and then we all enjoyed the signature desert unequivocally. mud ooze as it was named - a generous scoop of vanilla ice cream with swirls of chocolate syrup that lined the mountain of white randomly. beneath it was warm and moist chocolate shortcake that was filling to the edges of the cup. wielding your spoon into the frosty mountain then into the hot melting lava and there you have it - an uber sinful... sinfully irresistable treat that is bound to bring some much sought-after warmth when you need it in low and unhappy and emotionally needful times. or so we call it, comfort food.

and it's times like this,
when i just want to be drunken on moonlight with a pint of melancholy.

everything else... on hold.

2007-07-15T20:22:00.000+08:00

my oh my... it's just feel so darn good to be doing nothing on a sunday night. if it was as per normal, i would be packing my booking in stuff, trying to load my clothes and study materials into my bag. have a quick dinner with my family and off i'm back to lim chu kang camp II for yet another week of montonous work routine. gladly, i'm on off tomorrow. a much awaited and celebrated sabbatical (considering i haven't been on one since a month ago).

seriously, 5 days work week sucks and it sucks big time. being at the lowest hierachy, we are relegated to the task of guard duties. and somehow although it's supposed to be a volunteered task which isnt part of our vocation, there are bound to be unplesantries in the course of our duty. like having other NSFs who think that their rank bestows upon them a greater status of existence and hence their blatant misuse of their powers. but oh wells, i could flaunt my army lingo but basically it all sums up to one phrase - suck it up!

and a peep at ns.sg, to my revelation =)):

Your estimated Service Balance is 152*.
Your projected ORD date is 08-Dec-2007*.
This record is updated on 09-Jul-2007.

so liberation is approaching after all. it wouldnt be soon before i yell 'ORD LOH' as i walk out of the shit hole.

dating backk... on friday the 13th, i was doing guard duty at my camp. i witnessed a vehicle colliding onto a dog just outside my camp gate, just right in front of my eyes. although i dont have any pets, i really felt for this little dog. you see, this dog happens to be related to another in my camp but it was just outside my camp and barking to its mate inside. albeit irritating at times, my heart somehow softened in a melancholic manner when i observed the wistful look in its eyes. i opened the gate in a bid to let him in but it just didnt budge. after the accident, i quickly got the spca number from laine mei and was directed to a 1800 hotline - most prob an organisation that handles such cases.

i waited an hour and a half for them to come to my damned camp (they promised to come by half hour) although it was supposed to be my rest time. then the dog got ran over yet another time. this time i witnessed the final struggle of the little dog. he flinched a little and his limbs shuddered for a few times before it finally laid down on the side of the road motionless. a pool of dark red blood was visible on the middle of the road even from someone inside the camp and it trailed all the way to the carcass.

and they eventually called me to tell me the dog has been cleared at around 9am the following day, i thanked them. and like what i msged laine mei, i dont know what to say, how to react or how should i feel.

maybe... i've been left feeling so vulnerable and jaded, from realising the sheer fragility of life.

an ultimatum

2007-06-27T12:07:00.000+08:00

haha... i've been issued with an ultimatum just today. and the consequences arent terribly pleasing to a National Service Fulltime whose freedom hinges on what little days of freedom and blithe he already has. sometimes, it make me wonder if all these threats and the final whammy - the ultimatum, is hardly necessary? i thought if we could perform our nation defending duties well and good, we should have a relatively "enjoyable" and "peaceful" time? but it seems, the title of my blog - "as if, my life has stalled..." still has its relevance after all. *pats myself on my shoulders* ha.

but on the other hand, maybe things arent that bleak as i construe it to be. one thing for sure, the jadedness in me is dragging me down lol. i'm just a paradox and freak of nature. like i dont really understand myself at all. maybe no one does still.

i read my friend's blog just some time ago.

she asked, "what makes you happy?" it's somewhat rather rhetorical from the banal "getting your A's after your months of slogging" to the ambitious "landing yourself in an i-banking job" to the rather random "gratification from having sex"

you tell me. ha. while i try to unravel what the word "happiness" entails.

=)

silly quelf.

2007-06-20T00:05:00.000+08:00

geez! i'm back from a 22/04 class gathering. today was a long and hectic day for me and everything prior to the gathering really drained me. and with the less than pleasing turnout from the guys (bunny overseas hol, chris route march, boss pungseh, hao ge and kelvin mia) i thought the gathering wasn't going to be a fantastic one. however, it was one of the better class gatherings we had.

let's see. i booked out from tekong like 10am. rushed to j8 and bought myself a pants, boots and socks by 11.30pm. was supposed to meet billy lee at singapore cricket club by 12.30pm. well i really have to thank my mum for getting me this contact. he introduced me to the rotary club (raffles city) when i went there, it's really like an exclusively "rich men club" over lunch, i was introduced to the director of the rotaract club (meaning rotary club for the younger adults below age 30) and several other renowned rotarians or so they call themselves. it was certainly very intriguing listening to these people share about their projects and experiences. more so with the fact that they are professionals in their respective vocations - lawyers, dentists, consultants, ceos and what not. billy lee told me he's semi-retired, but he's on the board of the director of 7 public listed companies. he also used to be the ceo of sembawang corp. -_- like omg.

but one thing that i felt was especially poignant to me was the advice he told me "it's not about what you know but about who you know" i realised i dont belong to the scholar calibre, neither will i content to be a farmer for the rest of my life. therefore, i really need to network and differentiate myself.

after that, i met up with my ex college mates. some of them changed so drastically that i couldnt even recognise them lah. like huiyi, i thought hey who's this girl? new classmate arhs lol. we have girls becoming more feminine, more demure and more attractive lol. but guys arh, still same pattern i think. we played several board games within our group of 10 (3 guys, 7 gals) like truth or dare jenga, quelf and saboteur. but half of the time, my mind was shut off because i only got like 3-4h of sleep during duty. lol. but nevertheless, it was damn hilarious to look at us do our silly forfeits like "one-eyed mimes", "playing invisible piano" and the infamous "omg, shit is coming, quick run!"

all in all, it's good times teasing my friends, linking them up with their dream half lol. it's amazing that for some of these people, i never really talked to them during college times. it's only when we meet up once in a blue moon, that we reminisce the good old days. :)

本来

2007-06-09T17:27:00.000+08:00

yup, i haven't been adding new content to this personal virtual diary of mine for the past few months. and i am uber glad that there's an auto save function for blogspot right now. it's like the panacea to my cranky ie that crashes ever so often. anyway, that's besides the point.

if you haven't already know, i just returned from a mountain climbing trip to mount belumut. like any typical reach activitity, there's bound to be lotsa takeaway for me - both tangible and intangible. maybe that's precisely the reason i'm still volunteering actively in this organisation. on the whole, this expedition really made me realise that there's always a fragile moment in everyone. i witnessed guys and gals that still slip and off along the track and there came my helping hand! ha. and i thought human beings arent that infallible anymore. we are made to be dependent in some way or another. if not, it only nullifies the existence of friends and families that form the core of your support network.

we washed up under the rapids at the waterfall. i tell you... the feeling of the fresh water gushing down on you that threatens to wash your shorts and underpants away while you cling on precariously onto a vine was one one of those feelings that made me feel alive, really alive. in the process of the trip, i was talking to this good friend of mine about the deeper nuances in life. like how we so conveniently numb ourselves with our work or school routine that we forgot the presence of mother nature. anyway, we concluded that any getaway from our routine makes good times ha. conquering mount belumut, the following day we shopped at jusco and ended our trip with a go-kart racing. another mind blowing experience when i experienced the nerve wrecking process of "drifting" albeit with a 80cc kart only lah.

but i guessed the highlight of the trip was a late night sharing at the mount belumut campsite. only 5 of us were gathered at a campfire while the others were snoozing away in their tentages. we talked about everything under the sun from religion to the meaning of life to sexuality etc. then there was this girl i had a fancy for since the philippines trip last year who was within the 5 of us at the campfire.

in front of the other 2 girls and a guy, she asked me "ben, did you like me in philippines since last year?" i was like gosh. shouldn't i be doing the questioning instead. and the rest of the conversation was history as i realised we were not meant to be after all. after the trip, i thought to myself what a failure i am. a girl who's 2 years younger than me, can be so frank and forthcoming about her feelings and all. me? in the past, i had a crush on my classmate in jc but i only had the courage to talked to her through the net and over the phone. when she was with her clique, i darent even talked to her let alone know how i felt about her. this time, i made seemingly abit of a progress. during our trip last year, i spent some personal moments with her at the mountains taking in the scenery there. but eventually when i had planned to make known my feelings to her at the airport, i chickened out. i threw in the tower. i waved the flag to surrender... in cowardice.

and so i thought, when can i ever face up honestly to my feelings. sometimes, it just feel so bad to let everything get pent up inside. i can pour out my emotions and thoughts to my close friends and aunt agonies but eventually i'm still just stucked within this shell... for long. but i'm glad she took the initiative to clear the air, if not i'll be clinging on unrelentlessly and hopefully. i'll pick myself up and get my priorities (SATs, JLPT, NYAA etc.) right... once again. believe me.

来不及了
长长的简讯对象
已经不会是我

* please ignore my ranting because i just have to *

love is but an expensive and effortful affair

2007-04-16T16:25:00.000+08:00

blogging in camp when i will be stucked in lim chu kang camp II for the whole week since i'm not on tekong duty. ever since my last post on april's fool day with a picture that struck a deep chord within me, i havent really had anything significant to blog about. but i guess, there's always a need to maintain a channel to release my pensive thoughts.

anyway yesterday, i was out with coco tan and old quek. actually it wasnt exactly a meetup since we only went for a brief lunch and was engaged in a love mission. you see... coco tan was celebrating his one month anniversary with his new found lover (half). and so he was showing us a hand made collage of their "memories" but the not so pleasant revelation was that his photos in his collage were falling off. and so after having our very brief lunch, we proceeded to popular to get some glue and scotch tape for some emergency tasking - to ensure that the collage was repaired in time for coco's meeting with her significant half to movies and a date at the night safari. and so in my usual jest, i was suanning him all the way e.g. " i want to go to night safari, but no one wants to go with me :(" and etc. you know it. old quek was even more hilarious, he blewn 2.5k in soccer betting because it seemed all too tempting to just up the ante when you don't see the cold hard cash in transaction. seems like his officer's salary has been put to pretty "good" use =X

back tracking to another day before... on saturday. we had a vertical marathon at tpy but although it was organised by me, my role seems to be downplayed :( not that i'm a power hungry individual but i guess recognition is one tangible motivation. but it's alright, i believe the opportunities ahead are plentiful. after that, i attended a "BREAKOUT! BE A TOP ACHIEVER" seminar at suntec. in retrospect, i felt that the $190 spent on the workshop was more inspirational than informative lest the first portion on memory tips like pegging. the other segments of the seminar entailed building meaningful relationships and conquering your destiny. i realised that i'm a confrontational person when it comes to managing conflicts. shan't elaborate about that.

most meaningful take away from the seminar was definitely from the last segment... because i have learnt to...

- celebrate what's right in the world and to truly believe in it so i will be able to see it materialising eventually.

up ahead, i guess there's many more challenges coming my way like my fundraising issues. i'm thorned between implementing one effective and impactful fundraising affair. just hoping everything will come clear to me as time goes by!

but no, it has to!

2007-04-01T00:24:00.000+08:00

more awaits me ahead.

2007-02-26T09:50:00.000+08:00

it's been a long time since i've updated. lately after the makeover "debacle", i've been juggling more and more tasks on my side. talking about the makeover, i realise they are really putting in much effort in publicising this makeover affair. now i really wonder how i got myself into such a fix.

anyway, as i was saying... i'm piling up a lot more responsibilities on my shoulder. firstly, i'm taking up the role as the adventure team leader and i'm leading a team to mt ophir in june. like 'huh', you will ask. since when have i become the adventurous person and leading a team? haha i really don't know anyway too. but i guess the only constant is change. ha.. what a cliche.

besides that, i'm travelling to vietnam at the end of this year for another overseas community service trip. this time, i'll be a sales executive for the fund raising effort. a rather novel opportunity to take on tasks that i'd like to envision myself taking up in the future. just last saturday, i went to farmart in lim chu kang for a short introduction course. basically, this farmart place is a huge entity that houses the many community development (CD) concepts that can be applied to aid the needy in the 3rd world countries. we were introduced to ideas like the faith (food always in the home) garden, self reliant house and vip latrine - all of which will increase the self reliance of the users and ensure sustainability in the long term so that we are actually teaching them to fish instead of just giving them a fish to last a day. the former perception was what i had actually harboured for our previous expedition. as much as we did achieve our objectives like construction of toilets and water pumps etc., alot of the work was done by the local carpenters. there were little if not no technology and knowledge transfer. so this time, i believe after equipping ourselves with the CD concepts we learnt from farmart, our experience and presence in vietnam will be a more meaningful, fufilling and lasting one.

yesterday, during jap class our sensei taught us origami. haha, she was still saying some guys can be good at origami eh. (otokono hito wa origami ga tokuyi desune) - ya i'm shure lah. at least, she's not referring to me. i only know how to fold straw stars but other than that, i'm just too clumsy when it comes to artwork lol. i'm glad my japanese school takes effort to add some spice to our curriculum so learning japanese wouldn't be just learning the grammar and vocabulary all the time.

last but not least! my pen pal has replied to me. ha if you have read my post about my trip to philippines last year, you would have remember that i made a penpal from garing national high school. so as i was waiting and waiting, finally i received the reply from kimberly. well well, she told me that the boy we helped to deliver the drawing and letter over to his mum in singapore wanted to thank us all for what we did. i guess the biggest consolation of it all is that such gratitude is what really motivates and keeps me on to volunteer when the passion and interest is waning. it is all the more heartening when you know you have become more than a volunteer to the needy but as a friend and an aide that they can confide with.

i'm more than contented! =)

made over, though not thoroughly lol.

2007-02-07T20:07:00.000+08:00

okay, today was the actual madeover session. okay lah, actually i dont feel exactly made over. mainly coz i couldnt dye my hair but only cut it short! stef, the female contestant dyed then permed her hair. made her look like some princess lah. okay not that i will look like a prince if i could play about with my hair but i believe i will certainly look different with longer and coloured hair. haha. did my hair at chapter 2, marina sq. and coincidentally, junhan and jun jiat was at there shopping also.

did the photoshoot at *scape, opp ceneleisure. was quite a good experience lah, just that i'm not one that's used to photo whoring. so some photos were nice, others not so lol. nevertheless, it was great fun lah. abit surreal like on tv but not as extreme only. hope the photos will turn out fine! dont know what's the voting thingy about but if got prize to win maybe i go ask everyone to vote for me. hahahaha. if not, i hush hush... coz so paiseh lah.

omg -_-.

2007-02-06T17:13:00.000+08:00

shoots. of late, my rather mundane life has taken a quirky twist. one day as i was randomly surfing around on the net, i chanced upon a new event www.youth.sg was organising. so it says "A free make-over from Youth.sg" Since i had nothing else better to do, i sent in a haphazardly taken picture and a short writeup of why i needed a make-over.

shucks. and guess what? i was promptly notified that i was among the 3 male contestants selected for the make-over. so today, i went shopping for 2 set of clothes with the organisers and daphne khoo, the sg idol yah... she was there as some critic lol. i thought if this was a simple one-off makeover session, well and good. i get a free haircut and some fashion know-how. clothes i think they are only loaned for the photo shoot. not a bad trade off.

but my worst nightmare had to come true. im going to get featured on the youth.sg site as one of the contestants and get voted for the favourite makeover contestant. like what so favourite not favourite lah. omg, this is so embarassing.

2007-01-14T00:10:00.000+08:00

a personalised souvenir!

teen no more!

2007-01-13T23:19:00.000+08:00

well, bidding farewell to 2006 and ushering in 2007. can't help but feel insecure at times especially after what i realised during my short stay at footprinters' chalet just now. it's 0620h now and i just came back from the footprinters' chalet at downtown east.

i can't help but feel that joining REACH has made me learn and mature. i was talking to edmond, joe and joyce. apparently being the most senior youth mentors there, we were talking about our dreams and aspirations though it's rather usual cliche stuff yah. it's been long or rather i've never really had the oppoprtunity or rather the right conversational partners to talk about such topics. maybe my life had been rather banal before 2006. so we chatted all the way till joe fetched me to tpy and joyce to nus back. as i was talking with joyce just now, she told me she said we really age very fast, now we're 20 already. for a moment, i thought i was still 19 ... till i realised it's 2007 AD already. aghast, shocked, apprehensive or ambivalent? so many feelings lah. quarter-life crisis really sucks. to make things worse, joe and edmond were asking us what we want to do in the future and if we were to look back at what we are doing now when we are at 40... will we be happy? i guess i'll really relish this experience and the friends i made at reach thus far.

for those that don't know me well (not many do anyway), i guessed ns made me changed a whole lot. now, i no longer contend living the day as it is. somehow i'm starting to tweak my psyche to that of achievement and goal oriented and focusing on the end at the beginning of every new endeavour i undertake. nyaa gold's almost done, planning to take my jlpt 3 at the end of the year, volunteering at reach again in 2007 and joining a business startup competition. i don't know if it's healthy but what really keeps me going these days are such tangibles. admittedly, sometimes i do have an agenda for doing something. but during the days at cebu, cip hours and testimonials were definitely the last thing on my mind. afterall, that's a firm personal conviction of mine.

have i grown more jaded or angsty? i seriously hope not.

maybe... it's because, i've aged.

end of pensive mood

2006-12-30T15:43:00.000+08:00

my "pensive-ness" is somehow drained because of the frustrations caused by the lag. there were instances when i tried to blog an entire post then i click post, an error page shown then i click back, everything's gone. anyway, footprints expedition'06 will definitely hold a significant place in my heart.

read an interesting poem on the forums... hhmm

The greatest irony of love

Loving the right person at the wrong time,
Having the wrong person when the time is right,
And finding out you love someone right after
That person walks out of your life.

And sometimes, you think you're already over a person,
Until you see them smile at you again,
You'll suddenly realize that you're really not.

For some, they think that letting go is one way
Of expressing how much you love the person,
By sacrificing your happiness for theirs,
Without realizing that the other person's
Doing the same thing for them.

Most relationships tend to fail
Not because of the absence of love;
Love is always present,
It's just that one is being loved too much
And the other was being loved too little.

We always fall in love with the person we think we love,
Only to discover that what we loved about them fades.
Bad experiences are always remembered,
But it's the wonderful memories that are captured
To remind us that there are brighter days ahead
And that happiness exists.

You need to learn to let go when you're hurting too much,
Realize that sometimes love just isn't enough
And accept the fact that things aren't always gonna be the same.

There is someone out there who will love you more.
It's all the thought you put into your decisions
That impairs your judgement
When your heart already knows what you need to do.

Listen to your heart. Even though it's on the left side, it's always right.

day 4,5

2006-12-26T12:33:00.000+08:00

Day 4,5 (Garing National High School) "The warmth and hospitality in a familiar setting"

From the slums to a high school, it was as if we endured the tough times and here we are at an environment that could shower us with more hospitality. The first programme was sort of an opening ceremony to welcome the REACH team. The high school students put up many entertaining performances for us. Indeed, I don't think they will pale in comparison with us. Duets, monologues, songs and dances. In fact, the grade1 class i took for Mathematics later in the day had one multi-talented student! She was the top grade one student, school monologue representative and in the dance team. The latest news i heard on the second day was that she was taking entrance examinations for a scholarship to college.

We were received like VIPs and our resting quarters was actually the Principal's Office. She was one very motherly figure and we can really see her genuine care and concern for the school population, teachers and students alike. In the office, we were inundated by the endless supply of food and tibits. And there were student leaders to help us. More interestingly, I made a new friend with one of them, Kim! She was like carrying the plates in and out of the office every now and then, yet with a smile on her face always. We promised to keep in contact through writing! There, a new friend found :)

I taught a grade one class mathematics, specifically the concepts of gradient and graphs. Fortunately, they were quite keen on learning. After that, we played 7-up with them. And i made them perform for us as a form of forfeit. Interaction with them was great and they were not in the least bit bashful or reluctant.

And we all had a souvenir to remind us of the days at Garing. A personalised tee shirt with our names printed on it. Will always remember Garing National High School for their warmth and hospitality. :)

day 2,3

2006-12-26T12:05:00.000+08:00

Day 2,3 (Lapu Lapu City, Canjulao) "Deep into the slums, in the face of stark reality"

The day commenced with grey skies and light drizzle. And the news of the impending Typhoon Seniang (Durian) in Cebu, Philippines made many parents of the trippers worry about their safety. Fortunately, the progress of our construction projects were not hindered. So we arrived at Lapu Lapu Slum and the first task on hand was to carry hollow blocks from the alley all the way to our toilet site. For the many girls in my group, they were rather unaccustomed to the terrain and the heavy load. To make things worse, the rocks were slippery and many of them slipped and fell. Meanwhile, i tried to slow the pace down hoping this will keep spirits up.

In the afternoon, we mingled with the kids and taught them simple english. What hit me deeply were that the kids there can be really easily contented. When we started to give out sweets, all of them and i really mean ALL of them will rush in a horde towards you for the sweets as if it was a forbidden fruit or something. After Pastor Alex led the children in grace, we started the feeding programme of Day1 and we fed around 100 children a simple meal of chicken porridge and banana. Joe said his eyes were teary when he saw the look on the childrens' face, the look of sheer gratefulness and joy. At that moment, I thought to myself "With only SGD $20, we can run a feeding programme to feed 100 children and they are truly thankful" In retrospect, I can't imagine that materialising in Singapore, not in that magnitude or even the way that the children here will receive of it.

We wrapped up day 1 in a debrief at a "seafood restaurant" And during my debrief, I i stepped on the toes of the younger mentees. Sometimes, the way you relate your thoughts and views may not be as what intended. This made me learnt that I'm still really raw in the department of communication and more generally, soft skills. Like what I was sharing with Joe and Edmond, I believe i can lead my team to achieve the objectives but when it comes to managing the team dynamics and getting them to gel together, i still need alot of honing.

Day2 was almost about a mirror of Day1's programme just that we were more involved in the construction of the toilet cubicles. We were led real deep into the slums this time by Pastor Robin. Because of the rainfall the previous day, the slums became like a kampung. I had a short talk with Pastor Robin and he told me that the slums had no proper drainage system because there are no proper channels to dispose of the waste water. Petitions to the government are also ineffective because of red tape. How could the children live in such conditions? Yet, i saw the children having fun trying to hop precariously on the stones and even enjoying themselves when they step into the muddy waters.

After our feeding and food giveaway programme in the afternoon, my group people played basketball with the teens over there. They were aggressive but real good at the game. When we were walking to our van to depart from the slums. The teens came up to us and asked us for our mailing address and mobile phone numbers. Deep down, we had really built a emotional rapport with them. For me, it was with Amid and JanJan! Two days of brief contact with the people in Lapu Lapu Slums made us realise how fortunate yet uncontented we are. Maybe it's time we start redefining how we view genuine happiness.

day 1

2006-12-19T12:42:00.000+08:00

Day 1 (YMCA hostel, Cebu City) "Checking in"

When we touched down at Mactan International Airport, we were welcomed with a banner and the warm locals. We checked in at a budget tourist inn - YMCA Hostel. I guessed many of the footprinters were aghast at the living conditions in the hostel. The extremely cramped living quarters, the dim ceiling lights and the whole overall feel of the hostel as if, a remnant of the world war proved to be the first shock to the footprinters.

Pace of things picked up very quickly as the respective project I/Cs were tasked to discuss the project details over breakfast. I met my pastor in charge of the Lapu Lapu project - Pastor Alex. To be frank, until now I still have not a clear character judge of him. However throughout the whole trip, he was like a mentor to me guiding and watching every single detail that can possibly go awry. On the other hand, the other trippers have an impression that PA is taking advantage of us. Whatever is the case, I guess as long as our primary objective is fufilled - to feed the people on hand and assist in the construction, everything has worked through.

Sitting in the rear of the mini cab was as though sitting in a lorry in Singapore just that i felt the air in Cebu was more polluted. In the afternoon, we proceeded to purchase the raw materials required for our feeding programme and construction project. Everything was falling into place from the planning that started about a month ago and i was glad no major hiccups occured thus far. My other team members and i went to the actual site to do a reccee. The undulating terrain, the slippery descendings from rocks and what not - all were part of the path that my entire team had to trek through for the construction project tomorrow.

Sunset in Cebu was something that took us a while to get used. At around 1730h, the sun was already setting. And at 1800h, the skies were as dark as what we have at 2000h in Singapore. After clarifying any other doubts with PA with regards to the construction project, we dragged our fatigue selves back to YMCA Hostel. Following which, i did a project briefing to my group members on what to expect the following day. An early rest for two days of toiling was certainly warranted.

Phil trip - prologue

2006-12-16T21:30:00.000+08:00

Footprints '06 Expedition in Cebu, Philippines
(The Prologue)

Maayong Buntag! (Good Afternoon in Cebuano).

I have just returned from a 10 days, 9 nights expedition cum community service trip in Cebu, Philippines. This short trip was more than just a blue sky holiday for me, it was a trip of personal growth, thoughts and reflections. Indeed, i feel extremely fufilled and rewarded both in tangible and intangible terms. If i were to blog my entire Cebu experience in a single entry in one single attempt, it will be less than complete and certainly too lengthy for me and you yah. So i've decided to blog this wonderful experience as if i'm writing a novel. As of now, we are consolidating the pictures from the trip and i'll start posting entries in chronological order for you to sneak a peek at what i did in Cebu and for myself so that down the road one day when i am reading these entries, the memories i had in Cebu will still be fresh and vivid!

Contents

Day 1 (YMCA hostel, Cebu City) "Checking in"
a) Touched down in Philipines at around 5.30 am. Travelled to our living quarters at YMCA and project I/Cs started to discuss with their respective pastors about the greater details of their project.
b) Went to Lapu Lapu Slum to do a site recce after purchasing the raw materials required for the programme the following days.

Day 2,3 (Lapu Lapu City, Canjulao) "Deep into the slums, in the face of stark reality"
Led a team of 9 other mentors and mentees to
a) Assist in the construction of two toilet cubicles and two toilet pumps. These infrastructure will serve the 300 families living in the slums.
b) Run a feeding programme to feed 100 children for two days and a give-away programme on the second day. Feeding programme on Day 2 consisted of a bowl of chicken porridge and a banana each while Day 3's was a bowl of chocolate porridge with banana. The give-away programme for 100 pax consisted of a food pack of 2kg rice, 2 packets of instant noodles and a can of sardines.
c) Played simple games, sang songs like "london bridge", "twinkle" and taught them simple English songs. Not forgetting playing basketball with my buddies over there at Lapu Lapu - Amid and Jan Jan!
d) Home visit

Day 4,5 (Garing National High School) "The warmth and hospitality in a familiar setting"
a) Assisted in the construction of an extension of a school shelter and school clinic.
b) Taught grade one students (equivalent of Secondary 1) Mathematics, more specifically gradients and graphs. After that, we played with them games like '7-up', 'charades' and musical chairs
c) Shared with 100 over students about my dreams and aspirations.
d) Home visit to a grade one student's house. Communication was all thanks to my favourite and trusted fourth year student leader, KIM! She was really nice in telling me more about the school and being our translator during the home visit! Fret not, you'll always be remembered and contacted by me! :)

Day 6 (Jesus Healer's Fellowship Church) "Sunday Service"
a) Attended service but more as of an observer. Tears welled up in my eyes as Joe was praying for those Christians that went up to him.
b) Watched 'Casino Royale' with Joe and some other mentors.

Day 7, 8 (Cantipla Mountains) "Where sheer grit and determination overcame the chills"
a) Assisted in the construction of a water tank and laying of ridiculously long water hoses. Undoubtedly, the most physically demanding project of all. Had to help in the moving of hollow blocks, sand and gravel. Then we helped to fill the embankment with soil for what lasted like 3-4 hours.
b) Ran a Christmas party for the 100 kids and their families. Crowd control for me was a nerve wrecking task in face of these kids!

Day 9 (On the sea) "The getaway on a yatch"
a) Sightseeing along the Coast of Manila (not too sure about the name)
b) Snorkelling in the sparkling clear waters and saw the spectacular starfishes and corals. As though i tuned into Discovery Channel!
c) Jetski with a close friend that i made during the trip. The reflections of the rainbows on the water surface and the feeling of having wind blow into our faces at high speed - all etched deeply in my memories. Second jetski attempt with Guiquan was nerve wrecking and horrendous. We overturned three times and the instructor was even laughing at us. Worst thing was we got stung by jellyfishes!

Day 10 (Cebu Shalom Centre, Lapu Lapu Slums) "Departure day, of tears and unwillingness"
a) Did a final site visit to both project sites of which one i was taking charge of. Saw the constructed toilet cubicles and water pumps and was showered with words of thanks and gifts.

Indeed, the impact i left in the lives of the people i've touched in this short stint at Cebu was far greater than i had expected. Apart from the gifts i had bought for myself, friends and familiy in Singapore, I brought a big pack of gifts. From the well thought-of letters, intricate gifts and warm smiles and handshake from the people alike, we were not just mere volunteers from Singapore. But we became their "special friend" and "best friend" and they even promised "they will await our return to Philippines one day"

As a matter of fact, I've heard many quote worthy statements during this trip. Perhaps i'll share one to close this prologue of mine. This was from my social worker in charge, Joe. He said,

" the greatest gift you can give to the people is yourself, not the bowls of porridge, food packs or even the presents you brought for the kids. "

In this aspect, i certainly believe we have all succeeded. We gave them our heart, love and attention and we were duly reciprocated with the warm handshakes, grateful words of thanks and the loads of gifts. Touched and grateful we are for our efforts in the physical work and attempts in human interaction paid of!

Footprints' 06 Expedition at Cebu has made me realise and know of Philippines not only as a land where domestic helpers in Singapore hail from but more so; a land of smiles and hospitality, cherished experiences and fond memories.

(To be continued!)

to te mo tired.

2006-11-13T19:53:00.000+08:00

i'm so tired, bleahs. workload from everywhere's piling onto me or maybe cause im a poor manager of time. but im as usual, feeling rather ambivalent. on one hand, i should feel very fufilled because my time inside camp is used up wisely by my commitments outside. on the other hand, i feel quite empty even though im so tied down. i dont know whether that's characteristic of a sagittarian ehs. let's hope not.

my friends in camp have said they pale to me in comparison to them in terms of how we all utilise all time and spend our lives and they said i live a rather fufilling life because my time is spent on volunteering, planning for my trip and event and learning japanese. sometimes, i dont know the reason for engaging so many different tasks at the same time. the ambitious streak in me? it strikes ever so often, especially so lately. as if my schedule is not packed enough, i signed up for a fund raising workshop next weekend from 9-5 each day and making up my japanese class which is supposedly on sunday, on my birthday.

next week proves to me to a hectic one for me. tuesday, i've to present a proposal to the commanding officer (co) and all the other big shots officers about the kayaking competition which im pushing it to a squadron level event. presentations shouldnt be too difficult for me lest the minor hiccups here and there during my presentation that i hope will be kept to the barest minimal!

also on my to-do list...
1) to find the quotations for logistical transport and trophies for my event.
2) liase with pastor alex for the project i'm taking charge in philippines (to build a toilet cubicle, 2 x water pumps and running a feeding programme - porridge with egg for 100 families!)
3) doing up a master log list
4) sourcing for sponsorships for prizes and thinking of possible prizes
5) trip preparation in terms of exchanging currency
6) get vaccinated.

that's for my expedition alone. what's more, i'm also the treasurer for de:xufto 07 camp for scouts next year and i'm procrastinating much on this. havent done up the template and started budgetting.

as of now, i feel like a giant balloon waiting to be pricked. so full on the outside, but so empty in the inside? i bought fish leong's latest album, it's great to listen to these therapeutic tunes.

hodgepodge of muses.

2006-10-17T07:16:00.000+08:00

today wasn't a real pleasant one for me. i got wronged for something i shouldn't be faulted for and i had to take the rap lest there would have been worse repurcussions. fortunately or rightfully, i didnt received any punishments in form of extras or anything. but i believe it's alright, tomorrow shall be a better day :) shall always take heed of what i learnt from qianhua jie jie i.e. to face the worse with the best feelings.

that aside, my life has gotten a tad more fufilling. jap classes started last sunday and i'm glad i had started all over from elementary 1 because my 1.5 year of jap basics barely allowed me to get through the first lesson. seemingly, my class profile is also rather cosmopolitan in the sense that we have malaysians, indonesians and singaporeans studying jap. apparently, my bunkmates have said that i'm hardworking and really into the process of self enrichment and they seem inspired too. good thing eh, i'm a positive externality!

speaking about economics, i borrowed two books yesterday. one's freakonomics while another is about hard hitter selling. i believe these two genres in general are really intriguing and appealing to me. freakonomics has been a good book so far as the author, steve levitt, deciphers certain myths from an economic point of view and using economics as a social science to investigate certain conventional wisdom. and did you actually realise that 'the apprentice' season premiere commenced on sunday night too. impressive credentials (harvard biz sch, young entrepreneurs, attorney and what not) were but ubiquitous in the show. but what really wowed me was that they were vocal, confident and had this air of professionalism and 'zai-ness' around them, especially when they were hawking memberships as part of the first round competition to consumers. sales and retails, remain as one of the field i'm passionate in. i believe it's a challenging one as you have to take into account many factors e.g. product knowledge, body language, communication competency etc. so that your consumers will be bought into buying your product! and my second book does shed some light on it. haha, but i hope it wont be yet another leisure read and may i pick up another thing or two.

something that left me thinking occured yesterday while i was leaving from my grandma's house after visiting her. an old folk was pushing his cycle while the front basket was filled by items like screwdrivers, pot and a saw. he gave me a meek smile while i tried to give way to him along the narrow path. he then tried to mount on the bike but lost his balance in the process and fell sideways. fortunately, it wasn't really a bad fall. but it dawned upon me that as one gets older, one becomes more vulnerable and precarious to accidents. what if this old folk (touch wood) had a bad fall into the drain and no one noticed? i shudder at that thought and the very sight. in fact, all the while i always have this sort of emotional attachment towards the elderly. be it during dramas or in reality, they always display this sort of vulnerability and the desire to be taken care by someone but it doesn't really happen. and when it really doesn't happen and something bad happens to them, there's always this feeling of 'xin suan' or rather your heart feels for this old folk and that you feel you should do a little something for him or her. yet all the more, i (we) often negelect my(our) own folks and take their presence for granted.

轻轻的亲亲
紧紧闭著眼睛
是你不是你说不定
还不一定.

stalled life no more.

2006-10-03T22:12:00.000+08:00

it's been some time since i last updated my blog. of late, blogging or rather writing in general has taken a toll on me. in camp, i'm inundated with tons of documentation to be re-written and re-forged. and it doesnt just ends there. everytime changes are made, my friends and i have to repeat the whole process again. just hope to get things done and over with.

yesterday, i went to delfi orchard to sign up for my elementary 1 japanese course. i'm so motivated to master japanese and attain my qualifications. also, i was informed by joe from ReachFSC that the dates for the ocip has been finalised. it's from the 4/12 to 14/12 at philipines, cebu! i have no idea what will be in store for me over at cebu, but i'll be certain i'll go there with an open heart to look, learn and empathise. afterall, what can beat being there and understanding the situation in first hand? not the excerpts from those that went before nor the documentaries on television. more importantly, i hope to gain a new direction in life, to be more aware of what i want and what i have.

a-k-e-e-l-a-h

2006-09-09T03:26:00.001+08:00

finally the three gruelling days of range is gone. missed my marksman and 200 bucks bleah.

day shoot - 8/16
night shoot 10/12

4 short!

anyway, i watched akeelah and the bee on wednesday. really liked that show alot for it's really inspiring and it makes you learn.

taken from the movie,

"Our Deepest Fear" by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate -
our deepest fear is that
we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be
brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'

Actually, who are you not to be?

of tears with a bitter aftertaste

2006-09-04T18:53:00.000+08:00

my first aunt passed away last week and just yesterday i was at the columbarium at guang ming shan with my family and immediate relatives. in fact, i was also there to be part of the chantings for the dead on saturday night. to be frank, i am not very closed to this first aunt of mine. but this incident made me realised my usual rather fragmented extended family (meaning my aunts, uncles and cousins) arent that distant afterall. i didnt really cry and my elder sister always say i can always maintain my composure or put it in a crude way - i'm callous. but that aside, i witness the softer side of my relatives that attended the wake.

i guess my grandma was the most affected one. imagining sending your own daughter off or rather what the chinese say "bai fa ren song hei fa ren" it's not frequent that you see one's eyes red swollen and teary but it kinda hurts my heart to see such a scene too. fortunately my grandpa who's in an old folks' home isnt informed as he's suffering from mild dementia. maybe it proves the adage - ignore is bliss, is true afterall.

when the floodgates break open, tears just keep pouring.

People Rest I Do Extra

2006-09-02T16:09:00.000+08:00

i was shaken by my sergeant's answer to my question, "why do you want to apply for SOF" - "because there's no pride here" it made me questioned myself, is pride accorded by the environment one is in or manifested in your own actions and beliefs. gradually, i believed the latter is just a self-fufilling prophecy because i'm losing much of what's in question - pride, afterall.

=/

will you love me in the morning?
forever and ever.

insensitive me.

2006-08-11T19:09:00.000+08:00

i just committed something very insensitive, though it wasnt on purpose. today's bookout day on usual and i was on my way back home to bishan. an army friend that lives in bishan too was feeling hungry like me. so we went to macdonalds and had our meal as per normal.

then i popped a question (in chinese), "how come you eat out, no one's cooking at home" he replied " who's there to cook for me". i said "your mum? she's working ah?" he told me "she's already in heaven, how to cook" then i sort of changed the topic. in the midst of eating, i sneaked a peek at him and saw his eyes were red and watery. i realised i just released the floodgates to his memories. sometimes insensitivity can really hurt, and i realised im guilty of that this time.

when i went home expecting home cooked dinner by mum, i realised she's working. fridays are normal off days but because of her annual golf sales, she's not taking any off days as a sales supervisor. no off days for the whole of a month and she's practically working 5 1/2 days. i feel it's so absurd to do so but she's plain stubborn. it's like she's reaching her threshold but she just doesnt relent.

i read a movie review on the movie "click" a few days ago. the lesson they reviewer said viewers ought to take home should be not to take things around you for granted.

how true is that... for negligence can only result in pain.

doodles.

2006-08-05T01:33:00.000+08:00

i just watched tokyo drift with quek and ys at tpy and it bears resemblance to initial d lah. but nevertheless, it's those kinda movies you get a kick from the action and that adrenaline rush from the dolby surround sound systems hahaha. after that, we went to eat mango ice and chit chat. and yet after that, we went to lorong 8 to have supper. apparently, i know two of ys's church friends. one was my jc classmate and another is my army senior, it's freaky how intertwined our lives can be... but gladly in a positive way!

this week passed seemingly peacefully or rather, i'd say it's yet another week in the army. except that i picked lots and unforunately became a toolbox i/c. what luck hor. also, the ICTs came in for their reservice and my friend and i were like teaching/refreshing them on our daily checks. and my flight oc was talking to me and my friends over lunch. he's quite a nice and warm superior considering his background - a scholar who got his bachelors at edinburgh and masters at yales in econs. in fact, he was asking if we were interested in going on an overseas exercise in thailand for the whole of january next year. a remuneration of 750 bucks but at the same time, the whole of cny will be burnt lah. moreover, i reckon i'm not the outfield kinda guy.

had our usual flight run which was around 3-4km but i thought i could have lasted further at the pace. am feeling so motivated to run and pump! let's hope this motivation that's brewing isnt a fleeting one! :)

pedals up! gobble down!

2006-07-23T00:57:00.000+08:00

put it simply - today's a rewarding day, both physically and emotionally.

i went dragonboating with the reach mentors and mentees today. it was whoppee great fun dragonboating and i think i prefer dragonboating to kayakking because the former really brings out the competitive streak in us. i must say i do have an innate fear i.e - public speaking. it doesnt happen when it's like for a small group of people but when everytime i'm made to say something to a large crowd, my face will get flushed and butterflies start popping out of the cocoons in my stomach. it ends up with me giving an abrupt and disorganised delivery of what i've to say. in fact, i've read a book by adam khoo recently. it's the kind of motivational books and gives you advice and tips on how to maximise your potential blah blah blah. as a matter of fact, many people are skeptical of such theories in the first place and i happen to be one of them too. however, i'll learn to overcome this fear through the old and tested formula - practice!

putting that small worry of mine aside, i'm uber glad i've got a new mentee under my care. well fortunately, i think we hit if off quite well lah. he's a nt student still in secondary school taking n levels. after chatting with him, i'm glad (yes again, sorry for my lack of vocabulary) that he's kinda driven and motivated lah. he told me that he aims to get into infocomm tech in ite then to temasek poly after getting an average of 70 in year one of ite. i had him to promise me that he'll call me whenever he needs help in his academics and i'll be tutoring him every weekend as much as possible. suddenly, i realised it's comforting to know that your little actions can touch the lives of others but in a positive way of course.

after that, i met up with the my old gang mates again. nominal roll: bunny, chris, boss, victor and hongzhou. gy's stucked in ndp with saikang and we did expressed that we missed his crap nowadays lol. ironic huh. i guess the best part of our get together was during our way to and during our steamboat dinner. i think marina bay really holds some special meaning to this group of us. our post prelims class outing, numerous gang outings and not forgetting the dare which i made to the gang to go to marina bay for steamboat after our GP BRIDGE session. and yes, everytime on the way there we'll meet the 'zhenfa huo hai xian' aunty who tries to promote her free transport cum free drink deal. and today, i acted as a sichuan tourist from china lol and hop on the van anyway. end up we didnt patronise zhenfa coz i think it's too crowded and the food so so only.

it's times like this where we get to blabber about anything and everything in our lives - past, present and future. the topics never run dry and in fact, fond memories just gushes out as if from a floodgate. laughing at the silly things we did in the past and bitching about our lives.

it's times like this when i realised im in bliss.

it's a real small world.

2006-07-21T19:56:00.000+08:00

has anyone mention that this world is real small? so much so that it sometimes leave me wondering whether there really exist something as fate or even if that life is but a play orchestrated by i-dont-know-who. who knows one of these days, i might meet my long lost neighbour and fall head over heels for her. hahaha.

anyway, remember i had previously mentioned two of my primary schoolmates are now my bunkmates. just a few nights ago, we chatted late into night about our old primary school days. from recollecting the days when our stern yet fatherly form teacher holded us in class during recess time to updating each other on the lives of our other classmates. catching up on old times brings back fond memories especially when it's a dig at you. for e.g. something my friend, darren said. "ben loh you arh, last time always walk around like a fat boss because you were so very happy that your exam results won ben sim" however, anyway, that is really so untrue of me. then came a barrage of digs and sarcasm at each other.

but all in the name of friendship :)

sasha bears!

2006-06-30T19:19:00.000+08:00

hey people!

okay i'll go straight to the point. im currently planning a project titled 'to "bear a cause" take a look at sashabear (collectible teddy bears!). i happened to know some people on the forum online and apparently someone has the contact to the representatives of sasha bear.

so we are coming up with a project as titled "bear a cause" now we are still in the process of forming the committee. in this project, we'll find volunteers to join us in a workshop conducted by sashabear reps then handmake our own bears with own designs and such. then we'll sell or auction them to the public and donate the earnings to some homes or organisations.

interested? if you are, drop me a sms or tag at my tagboard!

saturday

2006-06-25T00:55:00.000+08:00

urgh.. back from late night movie with quek and ys. shagged and sun kissed (burnt) are written on my face. watched RV with them! haha it's one great movie i'll personally recommend for laughs. no movie spoilers this time. but to think of it, living on a caravan/RV vehicle can be darn cool too. like in the show, the family went to RV parks and made new accquaintances and leaving footprints and etching indelible memories of the different places they visited. definitely something i will want to experience! *gotta bring your kids to road 66!*

today, i went kayakking with reach mentors and mentees. during lunch, it was interesting to listen to two senior mentors, one 26 and another 29, share about their love lives and their take on relationships and marriage etc. lol, it's rather tickling to know that a table of guys with varied profiles (from age 13 to 29) talk about bgr and such. intriguing stuff =)

and... i found a video which captures glimpses of my life hahaha.

gas

2006-06-23T22:21:00.000+08:00

this week is post pass out week. well, it's definitely a whole new ball game when im no more a trainee! haha.. moved to our seniors bunks and it's well-equipped, shant post it here lest i get flamed.

well today, my 3 days Basical Biological Chemical Defence Training (BBCDT) culminated with our gas chamber test at a facility near sispec. so we had to donned the whole set of equipment including the coveralls, slacks, mask and inner/outer gloves. prior to stepping into the chamber, i had this morbid feeling or rather emotional connection. i somehow could feel what the victims of the holocaust experienced. in the chamber, we did some exercises that were meant to "stretch" our gear and well... test whether our gas mask was working well. we then carried out our canister changing drill while holding our breath and keeping our eyes shut (gasp)

fortunately, i completed the drill without any hiccups. the bad thing was sweating like a piggg under the sweltering heat because of the layers of clothes. the worse thing was i breathe in a few breaths of the CS gas. the worst thing was being in the chamber actually creates a claustrophic environment. now i could really empathise.

the test ended with me taking out my mask and reading aloud my nric, rank and name to my instructor with my eyes opened. then i staggered my way through. wahhh the stinging feeling is damn intense! as if dipping your face into mala huo guo (steamboat) filled with chili padi and getting sprinkled with pepper powder. the instructors said my facial expressions were very classic and told me not to make monkey faces if not they will take a photo of me -___-

nevertheless, this is one hell of an experience in my 2 years stint before i yell 'ORD LO'

passed out

2006-06-16T23:04:00.000+08:00

goodness gracious, i've passed out from my 3 month course today. not much noteworthy lately so i've not been blogging... oh i mean crapping lately... hor, doctor! last sunday, i went to the cc to learn more about how i could help out at the cc as well as watch a performance by smu's samba masala, their drum ensemble. quite a crowd that night, go youtube them and you'll be impressed. in fact, i was told i can plan a performance myself too, how cool. next week, im gg for a kayakking session with reach mentors and mentees. hope my kayak dont capsize and my skin wont peel.

many a time, im torn between passion driven aspirations and the need for plain realism. but more than not, my self deprecation somehow always gets the upperhand. so dont blame me for the past few angsty entries eh. im generally an easily satisfied person, so to speak.

and my appreciation for the chinese language got re-ignited when my course sgt was having difficulty reading some chinese poems on zaobao and he asked around for help, but not from me. haha, i not from cheena high so cheena not as good as them mah haha. that aside, i came across something interesting from another blog...

烟花

等了很久
烟花还是没看到

有人说
烟花是要他人放给你看的

他也说
我一直没等到因为我是放烟花的人

我不要
我不要

我只要看烟花
我不要放

可以不可以放一场
让我享受一下
让我沉浸一下

可能太期待
烟花就美不起来

或许烟花的绮丽
只在于等待

haha, are beautiful things made shortlived? maybe.

not convinced? ask my hips then.

why? coz my hips don't lie.

it's over

2006-06-10T23:50:00.000+08:00

finally, summary exercise a.k.a summex is over! and by next week, i would have passed out from my course! (whooopppeee) glad to bid goodbye to those horrible tasting combat rations (which they have the audacity to mention that the palatability will be preserved by date... is there even any to start with!), the painful stinging heat rashes and my soaked and wrinkled feet. in retrospect, the summex wasnt that bad afterall it was quite bearable in fact lest the heat rashes that brought waves of pain coz of the extreme weather changes.

i also learnt a new lesson. that inter personal relations is a very delicate issue to grapple with. some of my fellow coursemates and i have came to a common consensus that our superiors do indeed favour some people i.e. bias. not that im green about that or that some of them do pander or not towards superiors, i feel that when it comes to inter personal relations, i still have much to learn. as of now, im not the type of surbodinate (in army) that superiors will especially take note of. in fact upon entering the army, i have toned down very much. kinda drawn further into my comfort zone which is unhealthy i admit. i'll have to learn to open up one way or another.

but at the end of the day, i certainly aint a sucker for companionship. period.

thoughts.

2006-06-02T19:49:00.000+08:00

this week passed by rather fine, as usual... not with any major hiccups or surprises. finally, next field is my first and final outfield deployment exercise for my course. gonna last around 4 days 3 nites. not that i've never stepped outfield before, but having "nua-ed" in camp for the past 10 weeks will require myself some adjustment to for the upcoming week in the jungle feeding mosquitoes.

i finally read "Tuesdays with Morrie". it was a very nice and light read like five people and it's written in the similar way with interchanges of the past and present. but it's more thought provoking. so much so that i kinda lost sleep yesterday night. after reading the book, i was somehow compelled to question myself if i am going to end up living like mitch - a high paying journalist then with a fat paycheck that came with sleepless nights at his office desk, drowning himself with caffeine. materially fufilled and complete albeit disillusioned and driven by wealth as dictated by the existent socio-culutral mores.

it's very much like what the book shared about the difficulty in striking the balance - "the tension of the opposites". it's as if a mental struggle... the rational and practical me is telling me i have to get a degree, a job, financial independence and so on. besides, living in my self enclosed ivory tower of idealism does not equate to survival in a pragmatic society. the idealistic me tells me i should attempt things i never dared to and always wanted to. what that encompasses, im still on my way in my journey of discovery called "life". when i have consolidated that checklist, perhaps i might just dump everything aside and pursue them. meanwhile, i can only grapple with what life throws me and tackle every ordeal that comes my way a step at a time. giant leaps i may not be apt at but i'll thrive with every baby step i take.

come next week, i'll be meeting wenqian for farewell lunch. this buddy of mine i've made since my scouting days is going to uk's imperial college to study chemical engineering. how cool. it'll certainly be long before i'll meet him again.

goodbye to you my trusted friend. take care.

over the hedge

2006-05-28T15:55:00.000+08:00

rj! hammy! verne!

realised it's so much easier to bring out that smile when i was younger.

2006-05-27T22:47:00.000+08:00

happening

2006-05-20T22:53:00.000+08:00

today was a happening day indeed. just got home from bishan cc and i'll be off to meet quek and tys for midnight activities lol. so it seems that this world is really a small one or that the people i meet are often accquainted with me in one way or another. take my current course for example, 2 of them were my long lost primary school classmates for 2 years then. imagine meeting them 6 years later and becoming buddies again. and just now one of the other winner is actually hao ge's junior from bp now at hc - alison. hahaha, i find it weird also. cck people join bishan east cc competition then come all the way here lol.

in the early morning, i went to an interview for volunteering. turned out the programme is actually quite an interesting one. besides the usual volunteering which involves youth conselling, mentoring and tutoring, the volunteers get to learn some new skills like kayakking and there's even an overseas cip trip at the end of the year. im kinda interested and if i successfully complete the course i can clear several components for my nyaa gold. hmm but only thing im afraid is i cant commit because of duties after i pass out. guess i can only think about that when it really comes.

after that, i went to donate blood. had an interesting talk with the staff over there coz now they give out the 'squeezing ball' based on seasons. she told me during cny period, the 'squeezing ball' was a mandarin orange. and i got one soccer ball because the world cup fever has apparently strucked the bloodbank too hahaha. as i was leaving the place, got one old indian woman that donated blood suddenly fainted lah. then the situation was so hectic, lucky the doctor propped up her a stretcher and i think she should be doing fine. went to marina sq to walk walk then eat carl's jr. damn ex. but damn full also. first time a junk foodie like me will surrender when facing fast food. then visited my grandma after that.

evening was the ceremony at the cc with the mass parent's day held in tandem. so the event was kinda senior citizen oriented lah because alot of elderly people took part. but it was fairly entertaining i must say. got song performance, dance performance and even fashion show. most imptly got to know the others that joined the comp too and the organising comm. people. and i talked much with this senior frm ntu lah. she's already a 3rd yr civil engineering student and she was sharing with me how much a struggle it was for her in ntu. all because she hates physics and she didnt make it to biz then. haha a fellow anti physics comrade. actually im anti science. talked from ntu env to hall life to a lvl econs to overseas exchange. it'll definitely be an exciting life after ord!

and a meaningful one before ord. i hope. =)

high arh!

2006-05-19T22:11:00.000+08:00

whew, another week has passed. this week's especially noteworthy for me, how was it for you anyway? actually i was "arrowed" to be the course i/c for this week. this week's supposed to be the deployment week and it's meant to be a hectic one but because the equipments required werent available, it ended out to be quite a light one heh.

first talk about my experience of being i/c in my new camp. i think being i/c in bmt was still much slacker though i had to take care of 50 ppl instead of only 20 now. over here at lim chu kang camp the worst thing i experienced takes place in the morning. generally all of my coursemates are light sleepers but there are 4 heavenly kings that really can sleep. even when i switch on all the lights, they'll still shut themsleves out of reality under their blankets and pillow. so i've to like give them a gentle tap and remind them in a gentle tone 'sir, it's time to wake up for our morning run and breakfast' yeah seems like i have the makings of a servant, a very dedicated one so to speak.

i received a call from family on monday that i actually won the first prize of an essay competition. f.y.i this was actually a competition i joined out of fun last december on 'how to improve your CC so that more youth can be attracted to it' apparently, the notification date for the winners was in march. so i waited and waited and sent them 2 letters to enquire about the progress. for once, i thought it's like the scholarships applications i've sent despite my mediocre results - 'yi qu bu hui tou' hey hey, then came the results out of the blue. tmr's the prize presentation ceremony followed by a dinner with mr. wong kan seng, org. comm and other winners. and they described it as an excellent socialising platform, bleahs a brain-dead nsf does need some socialising. besides, what i get to use is lush greenery, greenery lush, lush lush, greenery greenery. also scheduled tmr is an interview i gotta attend for being a volunteer tutor at some family and youth centre. it'll be a hectic day tmr.

then comes mid week on wednesday where we had our night's out. so i went to lot1 with my fellow coursmates and did the usual things like makan, shop around, play arcade. then i broke off from the main group of arnd 10 to join another 3 friends. lol suddenly one of them said he felt like drinking beer. so the four of us bought a can of heneiken each and drank outside lot1 7-11. the beer was cold and bitter and we stood outside and talked crap for around 15mins. the feeling's something i've never experienced before. it's one of the times that i really felt so light and freed of any baggage. and we actually carried out a stupid mission hahha... maybe cause of the drink, we were kinda high while walking on the long stretch of road under the gentle moonlight. we even started acting as if we were drunk in front of the other guys. this is really what i call chilling out!

last but not least, i've learnt some lit from my commanders. here it goes...

where art thou...
here i am you fat cow. (then follows some hokkien language that i couldnt catch hahah)

youtube

2006-05-12T20:07:00.000+08:00

a touching mv. (might take a while to load though, best let it load once through then play again if not jerky. )

fufilment

2006-05-01T11:20:00.000+08:00

hahaha... no lah, im not trying to play you out! im trying to restore my reputation which has been tainted lor. my reputation of a studious and obliging college student. besides that occasional pranks i committed like sergeant muthu that scared the wits out of boss or impersonating muikoon to lure love besotted chris. yeah just to name a few. yesterday morning when i woke up, it was funny to hear ming han (bunny's bro) say "claps" as a form of retort. EHS! i should start claiming royalty for my taglines lor.

to backtrack abit, somehow i have something to share about 22/04/06. it was aj family day then and coincidentally, 2204 class birthday if anyone does remember it anyway. met laine mei on the way to mrt and we exchanged a few sms-es. haha i still rmb a year ago, we were gathered at the canteen for pizzas and that gy's little antic of koping the last slice of pizza irked so many of our class ppl lah. now, the girls are working and guys are slogging, so distant we are now. and bunny and i was talking to mr. chan on that day. in fact, we were very glad to realise that he's not only just yet another pd tutor per se but is still very much concerned about our class ppl too. so we talked outside the general office for quite some time about our future plans, how our class people are doing etc. oh yah, mr. chan said he wanted to give me a box because i got a "c" for physics lol. i dont know how i managed to do that anyway. last but not least, he said we can visit him come x'mas or cny for a gathering to catch up. well, i'll definitely be looking forward to it if it's organised.

speaking of my future plans. im accepted into ntu (acc) and nus (biz wif acc spec) but smu appln is still pending. i think most prob they have rejected me coz i wasnt very convincing during the interview when i was questioned on why i chose accountancy. frankly, im more inclined towards choosing smu becoz firstly i dont really wanna live away from family. it will be so for ntu/nus as i'll be living in hostels. secondly, i'd prefer a more spontaneous learning setting i.e. no more lectures please. but now, im thrown with yet another choice. my parents asked me to research on the cost of overseas education. as usual, i retorted and questioned if they have enough money. they told me that if they dont have enough money, i just have to study full time and work part time. they said i should venture abroad when im young and that so many youngsters have done it, there's no reason why i cant. for once, i thought my dreams of an overseas education was dashed once i received my lack lustre results from mr.chan. but now, it has re-surfaced as a viable option. as always, i'll really look forward to the exposure and experience of living and working alone, especially in another country (kinda contradicting ehs). moreover, i believe the three or four years of my life elsewhere will definitely be worth my time and effort there.

bleahs, so i really need to give some serious thought to this now.

meanwhile, i'm kinda gluing my direction in life to a word - self-fufilment. watching bunny spend his 19th birthday and age, i realise that soon i will be nineteen too and yet a little longer i will be a teen no more. life is incredibly short and time really fleets like i always say. there's so many things i want to do and achieve, if i dont do it now or soon, i'll be facing my mid-life crisis in no time. it's now or never. hence, i will really have to live my life feeling fufilled and enriched.

and i hope you will too.

late night entry

2006-04-30T00:58:00.000+08:00

apparently i typed an entry yesterday night (friday), but my computer suddenly sot and died on me. okay so now im blogging not at my own home but at someone else's. and it's none other than... bunny chan yan han. and i found evidence of his crime lah, in his msn login records. so he is the mastermind behind chanyukchuen@hotmail.com! ... becoz of this gay, i dunno for what reason became the prime suspect of the creator of this spam mail account. just because i played many pranks like muikoon@hotmail.com or impersonating sergeant muthu to scare the wits of our beloved boss, that doesnt mean i should be the black sheep of all crimes right.

EVIDENCE (MUAHAHHAHA)

dots, thanks hor. but nevertheless happy 19th birthday babe if you happen to read this. may your blessed one pop around in your life at the right time soon! =D

so... im glad miss witch and bunny are the new visitors of my blog haha. im kinda surprised actually. =)

today's morning was spent rather productively. in the morning, i was almost late for a talk on financial tips for the young at ntuc income centre. almost lost my way there and i started running when i saw the time on my phone. and as expected, it's a talk on investment linked plans. although it's yet another promotional talk, i learnt abit about equities and bonds. equities having higher returns but coupled with higher risk while bonds are the converse. also realised that there are a couple "layers" of fees that you actually pay i.e. to agents, fund managers etc. also, dr. money's there. for those that dont know him, he's the guy that gives periodic financial advice to the new paper. and apparently, the talk was conducted by the famous sudoku guy, the ceo of ntuc mr. tan kim lian. guess finance is really something that intrigues me.

in the afternoon, i met up with bunny, hz, junhan, bunny's cousin vincent and grace for lunch at crystal jade. mr birthday boy was giving his treat woo and pooled at tpy. so we pooled till arnd 5.30 then went our separate ways. weird thing is we met again at 10 for... durian -_-. bought durians but cannot find durian spot so decided to take bus to bunny's home to eat durians. but then the fields in to his house were soaked so lucky bunny's mama fetched us right home. so that's about the itinery for today, 29/04/06.

back to the entry i typed yesterday night. training at lim chu kang camp 2 is gonna get more intense. already being taken by sergeants having underwent special ops training, we thought things couldnt get worse. instead, our training sergeant, 1sg TEE told us to prepare 4 packet drinks full of sand. so come tuesday, we'll be lugging our webbing with 2 x full water bottle and 4 x sand packet for chin-up regimes and runs. gasp. soon, i'll really be booking out in pieces on friday. but i'm shure this training will be good for us in the long run. i think it's often too tempting to look at things as per status quo. we overlook what holds in the future and in the end we make regrettable and foolish decisions. will we only learn when we fall hard and lose what's precious to us?

bleahs, late night ramblings. ignore me.

maiden entry

2006-04-21T22:40:00.000+08:00

it's been long since i last blogged. as to why i've stopped blogging, it's been a thing of the past i'd rather not wish to remind myself of. i'm using the same url and i wonder which of my blog visitors in the past will still pop by and read my log. if you happen to be one of them, plesase do tag ehs!

i've been having this numbing feeling these days every now and then, especially in this stage of my life. i have no idea how my peers are doing or how they perceive themselves in the present per se. but i'm kinda lost especially in this transitional period. the feeling of helplessness, insecurity and uncertainty. it's not here nor there, it's "in-between" in fact, i got this title after reading a forum thread mentioning that ns actually makes one feel that life has stalled and that we are brain-dead nsf. come to think of it, i havent been reading straits times and keeping to date with the "outside world" and it comes to a point that i somehow missed my GP lessons in my college days when reading periodicals is more a need than want. somehow now, the want factor overweighs the need factor.

disappointed i may be at my performance thus far, and perhaps this is a reason for me thinking that my life's stagnating, stalling and all in all - unproductive. i didnt get what i desire because i didnt work hard enough for it. but now, i'm not really bothered. my take on life has swerved from one of a result and performance oriented to that of being less demanding on myself and living to enjoy everyday as it is, albeit seriously lacking any reason for enjoyment in the first place. and life's a routine as normal- slogging for the weekdays and letting my hair down during the incredibly short weekends. i'm learning how to be happy and satisifed with the little things in life like meeting timed practical tests or just having some crap chat session with my fellow coursemates. insignificant it may be, but i guess it keeps me going on day by day. yet something i learnt from yin yue ri ji which is my best companion in a camp devoid of entertainment. nevertheless, i'll still push myself in my physical fitness. that's one aspect that i can never remain lax on.

but meanwhile, i'm really fatigued from today's pt.
nights out - 2330
reveille - 0830

=)